A New Start

After 9 interviews and 3 second-interviews, I got two amazing job offers. YAY! I accepted the first one I got and I’m so excited about it. There will be a lot of traveling so Hubster is not 100% thrilled, but we’ll make it work. It’s only statewide travel which means he can join me for mini vacays when I go to fun places and can meet me when it’s time for Babymaking. Perfect, right? Well, close. My original start date of Monday was pushed back to today because their HR didn’t finish processing my paperwork. I already had my last day on Friday and I had 2 impromptu days off of work. I preferred to start my new job right away on Monday, but after the last month (3 of my interviews and the 3 second-interviews all took place within 2 weeks) I could actually use the break. And boy did I!

I ended up with a 4-day weekend of lounging, reading the Divergent Series, gardening, reorganizing parts of my house, running and spending lots of quality time with Hubster. The perfect balance of relaxation and production. Plus, I finished off my first round of Clomid in over a year.

Overall, I’m feeling pretty good on Clomid. I took 100mg to start off since the first time I took 50mg I didn’t ovulate. It’s hard to be moody, HOT, weepy and bloated, but I’m excited. I forgot how hopeful I feel on Clomid. I forgot how this tiny little pill that causes so much turmoil also makes me see not a light at the end of the tunnel, but a big beautiful rainbow. Especially now that I have a new job I’m so excited about. I’m seriously on Cloud 9 right now. That should help me get pregnant too, right? See?All kinds of hope pouring out of me these days!!!!

Oh and let’s not forget my mid-cycle ultrasound. I have 4 mature follicles!!!!!!! And a slight triple-striped lining. It’s not looking fabulous, but it’s good enough.

So now that I no longer want to kill myself everyday I leave work, I’m back and will be catching up with all of you lovelies.

Time to breathe

In the last 16 days I have been on 3 first interviews and 3 second interviews. I am SO tired. And I still managed to run twice and make it to yoga once this week. I think that exercise is what kept me going this week. But it’s all good because hopefully I’ll have a new job come Tuesday (Monday is a state holiday to honor the work of Cesar Chavez) AND I’m going on a girls trip to Disneyland this weekend!!!!!

Here are my Disney nails I had the nail ladies paint for me (please excuse my finger-toes)

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I’m so excited for our road trip. This will be the perfect way to keep my mind from symptom-spotting as I’m currently 6dpo. And this is my last cycle before I stay back on Clomid. Lol

Stab to the Heart

Hubster and I attended the Jason Mraz show on Monday and it was a completely amazing time. We were still a little buzzed from our St. Patty’s Day happy hour, but Mr. A-Z puts on a killer show even when you’re sober so that’s totally not relevant.

But since I do love to have my drinky time- and rarely succumb to my desires- I do have to digress for a moment and share about our Monday Nite shenanigans! Hubster and I bar-hopped and drunkenly happily made out a few times while skipping strolling hand-in-hand down the sidewalks of Midtown. It reminded of us of our early dating days and that made us feel so blissful. We got to forget for awhile that we’re an old(ish), childless, married couple who’s convos revolve around my desire for a new job and babymaking. We felt young and carefree again. How amazing is that?!?

Well that bliss was interrupted during the show. While Jason Mraz totally rocked my socks off,  poor Hubster ping ponged back and forth between deep sadness and mild enjoyment. See, in front of us sat a family of 6 (kids looked to be teenagers?) who were having the time of their lives. The father and 2 daughters were laughing and singing and being affectionate the whole time. And all of the kids got so excited when the dad brought out snacks and candy and were thoroughly appreciative. I enjoyed watching what seemed to be the perfect family night while listening to one of my favorite singers. And then occasionally an adorable toddler voice behind us could be heard. Seriously I was in heaven.

Unfortunately Hubster didn’t really feel the same way. It was heart breaking for him to be surrounded by adorable families doing the type of activities we want to do with our nonexistent family. So while he enjoyed the evening, he was pretty damn sad. And I’m sure you know what that did to me.

It killed me. His sadness was the sharpest stab that my scarred heart has ever felt. He’s feeling sort of better now, but he’s still hurting. I wish the prospect of adopting could be more of a relief to him than a last resort, like it is for me. I just think FINALLY we will have our family. If the coming rounds of Clomid don’t work, then we know adopting will bring those 2am cries that we long for. And I can feel joy when I normally would feel sorrow.

Sigh. This is never an easy process…even when it feels like things are falling into place…

Success

My appointment with my OBgyn went well and I start back on Clomid my next cycle. He’ll monitor at least my first cycle just to make sure everything is working the way it should and most likely not after that unless there’s a problem. Since my first attempt at 50mg didn’t work and not every Clomid cycle yielded several growing follies, I’m just going to start at 100mg. I feel optimistic and am now preparing my body and mind for the Clomid Crazy. I’m kicking my weightloss into high gear and will be cutting grains and sugar from my diet for 4-6 weeks (with 1 cheat meal/week), plus actually keeping up my running.

My half marathon training was the most inconsistent training I have ever completed and after finishing my race today, I’m totally inspired- not as down about my 2:15 finish time as I would imagine. I just know how much better I could have done if I completed my weekday runs and didn’t go 2 weeks without running every month! I could have hit my sub-2:00 goal for sure!

So from now on no more half-assing anything. I’ll be taking my DHEA to increase my ovary function and inositol+folic acid to keep my hormones balanced, and I will run 3-4 days/week, whether I’m training or not, because that’s what my mind and body need.

I’m going to sign up for another half next month (possibly) and for sure some 10k’s, with maybe a full marathon to end the year. But we’ll see where the coming Clomid cycles will take us.

Catching up with my OB/Gyn

I swear this is the weirdest step in our infertility journey to date. For several months we worked with an OBgyn who specialized in infertility. Then for a year we worked with an RE at a fertility clinic to make a baby. That didn’t work and we stopped going. Now we’re going to a regular old OBgyn. But that is so how my life works lol.

But it’s mostly because I have the most amazing OBgyn. He has been very supportive of assisting with our babymaking efforts, as well as leaving it to the specialists. Basically whatever I want he’s totally down for. AND after flaking on a follow up appointment and ultrasound after my last chemical pregnancy, I was really dreading having to apologize and tell him I need to start the process with getting my endo checked on.

But I didn’t need to worry. He was so understanding. And he had his office contact me (they called me about 5 minutes after they open!) to find out my scheduling preferences and then schedule my ultrasound with radiology and the follow up with him. I had to do absolutely nothing people. And this all happened from a short email I sent him saying I’m having increased endo pain and pain with sex. I never got this kind of service with my RE’s office. Not even remotely close. And my OBgyn works for a large teaching hospital!

Anyway, he wants me to come in to catch up and discuss our wishes for TTC as well as whether further evaluation (another lap) will be necessary. I also really appreciate him taking the initiative to find out where we are with that. I emailed him back to let him know we will begin looking into adoption this Spring, but that we are thinking about trying Clomid for a few months in the meantime.

I know. Stop the presses.

Clomid is a nightmare that I never wanted to do again, but I’m ready to give it one last whirl. Mostly for Hubster. I know he wanted me to go back on it months ago but respected my wishes when I very firmly said no. Now that he’s agreed to pursue adoption, I feel I owe him a compromise. So I have an ultrasound tomorrow (10dpo) and my catch up with my doctor on Thursday. I’ll keep you posted!

I’m PUBLISHED!

OK not really, but pretty much lol. I was asked if I would like to write a guest post for an amazingly talented blogger friend and I quite foolishly accepted.

I have been wanting to write this post for a year now, but I have neglected to sit down and actually do it. But after Theresa’s request, I ran out of excuses. And this gives me the motivation to really wrote again. Not just post little rants and updates.

So for those runners out there following me, please check out my post to see what’s under all the infertility rants and updates.

And for my fellow IFers, check out the post to see if running might be something that could be useful to you as you plow through your babymaking journey!

So now I humbly provide the link to my longest ramble online as of yet.

http://acoursetothefinishline.wordpress.com/2014/03/03/lets-be-honest-running-through-infertility/

I hope you enjoy! And follow Theresa. She has like the cutest twins ever and a totally amazing life. Even with being STILL stuck in the trenches, I  always find her posts to be lovely.

Oh and today is my 3rd wedding anniversary so I’ll be back tomorrow with a real post!

X’s and O’s to you all!

The Rope is Tightening

You know that rope we all have? That one tied around your heart that shortens inch by inch in that first year of TTC, but then rapidly starts shortening by yards and constricting so tight you have to struggle to catch your breath every month Aunt Flo comes calling? Well mine is about as tight as you can get.

In less than 1 week, it will be 36 months since I took my last birth control pill. It has been 27 months since I dropped my first Clomid pill in my mouth. We have endured 3 months of exciting BFPs, only to find out we wouldn’t be having a baby after all. And I have had 2 months of no HPTs but 5-day-late and exceptionally heavy periods. And like one sweet and very knowledgeable OB/Gyn doctor (who I wanted to choke out at the time) told me, it really is better waiting to test and not knowing then dealing with another failed pregnancy. And this is coming from a woman who must know everything. I mean even knowing about a good surprise, but not knowing what it is, is horrific torture for me! But after I had another really late and really heavy period this last cycle, I’m glad I don’t know. Because I’m done.

I’m done pinning all of our baby hopes on my body and Hubster’s performance. I’m done with the pills, the timing of sex, the fears, the frustrations, the anger, the bitterness and the stress. Since we have zero IVF coverage and I already seriously doubt my egg quality and womb’s ability to get and keep me pregnant, we would much rather spend that same amount of money on a sure thing. NOT another gamble.

So we decided to meet with an adoption agency in May. Hopefully that will get me through the torture that will be Mother’s Day this year. I have 2 really close friends and a SIL who will be giving birth this Spring by May 11th and I will be left with only 3 (out of about 8) really really good friends who don’t have kids. But because they are in stages of their lives where it would be crazy to have kids, not because they can’t. I will be the only woman-on both sides-who won’t be included in the “mothers photos” during family Mother’s Day gatherings. Again.

So I need something more concrete to pin my hopes on this year. Since my job entails reading crime reports and mental health treatment plans for children in foster care or have been adopted through the child welfare system, I know their struggles well. Too well. I know that type of adoption requires more than my husband and I can give right now. Don’t get me wrong, we would be terrific parents in that situation, but neither of us can be stay-at-home parents or work part time and I feel like most of those children need that. They need extra stability and bonding that we just can’t afford to do.

We looked into international adoptions next. Hubster’s full Chinese and I’m half Caucasian and half Chinese. However, with my dad being completely out of the picture, I grew up solely with my mother’s Chinese family. So all I know is the Chinese way of life. Being mixed and having naturally darker skin (SO weird) I was often seen as Latina. I really did look straight Latina all the way until about 25 when my features started looking more like my mom’s. And that was mostly fine, but sometimes not.

I wasn’t raised mixed. I was raised Chinese, but I didn’t look it at all for most of my life. All of my friends were Chinese because we went to a Chinese Christian church growing up. Most of my family members don’t speak (or speak very little) English. So I definitely had identity issues growing up that affected my self-esteem. So we considered adopting from Taiwan since that is almost like adopting from China, but much cheaper. Until we realized what that process entailed.

Once you’re approved with an agency, you wait until your name reaches the top of the list and then once a baby is born you’re matched with the child. At that point, the real paperwork starts and your first court date is set. But you don’t go to that. Because I reality, it will be at least 7 or 8 months until you can bring your baby home. There’s no way in hell I would be able to survive that long on just photos and the occasional Skype session. I want to bring our baby home as soon as the doctor clears the baby to leave the hospital. So we nixed that idea.

Next we had to decide on open vs. closed domestic adoption. I prefer open because I feel like this could help relieve some of the negative feelings our child might have about being given up for adoption. Also, I don’t want our child to feel guilty about wanting to know where s/he comes from. And the whole convenience of medical history, not having to search for birth parents, etc. My husband is more nervous about this route, but it’s more from the insecurity of there being a birth parent within our future child’s reach. What he doesn’t realize yet is that he will be such an amazing and loving father that he has nothing to worry about.

And I’m excited to formally announce that I found an agency I’m really interested in close to our city that specializes in open adoptions. I’m getting really excited! I don’t know how we’re going to swing the (at least) 20k it’s going to cost us yet, but I know we’ll work it out. And the best part? There’s an informational seminar the day before Mother’s Day. Yay!

We’re still going to try this month and next, but it feels damn good to have this plan in place just in case they don’t work out. Wish us luck and please let me know about any current adoption info or great blogs that might be helpful. Thanks Loves!

I’m back from (what felt like) the dead

The evil flu struck my husband. And the next day I fell victim to the cold from Hell. I’m not exaggerating either. I don’t know what’s happening where you live on this beautiful planet, but here in NorCal the swine flu is totally killing perfectly healthy people, bronchitis is everywhere and if you get a cold, you’re down for over a week. A WEEK!

January 28th, Hubster wasn’t feeling well so he stayed home from work. I went on an interview. It was HARD. One of the perks of working for the State is that hiring panels are generous enough to provide you with the interview questions just before you go in. The shortest amount of time I’ve been given to review them is 10 minutes and the longest is 20. This one? Zero. And they asked harder questions than any other interview I’ve ever been on. (This was my 6th during this job hunt.) And the writing exercise was difficult. I had 30 minutes to run reports on Access or Excel so I could answer as many of the 20 questions they had as I could. The reports used 2+ tables/sheets. I don’t run reports ever so I almost left before starting but I sucked it up and did what I could.

Then I went home and instantly became frustrated because Hubster was pouting about not feeling well and I wanted to pout about my interview. Not just because it was rough but because I’m still bitter I have to job-hunt because of new management when I actually really love the work that I do. So I sucked it up and took care of Hubster.

The next morning I woke to Hubster telling me he is really sick and he needs me to stay home with him. I instantly regretted my frustration from the previous night, called his boss and mine and settled in for a day of playing nurse. Intense chills came on so I took his temperature and it was 103°!!!! No wonder my poor man was looking so pathetic. It stayed between 102-103° for two days, even with Tylenol. It finally subsided and stayed between 99-101° for the next 4 days. And then came the worsening cough. Finally last Tuesday he went to the doctor and was diagnosed with bronchitis.

So while I’m trying to take care of him, the dogs and the house, I came down with a gnarly cold the very next day. Like I was completely down for the count. We pathetically slept, drank smoothies and ate pizza on the couch for 2 days. I foolishly don’t ask for help and this was the best I could do for the 5 of us while I was sick. On the 3rd day I finally had the energy to shower, wash dishes and make us actual (small) meals. The next day I was feeling really antsy because I hadn’t been out of the house and hadn’t exercise at all for almost 4 full days so I decided to walk to the grocery store at lunchtime.

It was super bowl Sunday so luckily the stores were pretty empty. I grabbed more meds at the drugstore and then hit the grocery store to buy POG (passion/orange/guava juice) for it’s 180% D.V. of Vitamin C. I knew I would need some extra since my immune system was down and I didn’t want to catch anything else. Ah. It was a really nice walk. It had rained lightly on and off that morning and since we are dealing with the worst drought I recorded history, I was blissful.

For another hour. Then I dropped like a fly again. Hubster and I are still working on shaking our illnesses and getting back to normal, but it’s been hard. I’ve been back to work all week and apparently my work performance has been unfairly judged below par (insecure manager+misinterpretations=vendetta) so I have to work twice as hard which means by the time I get home I am utterly drained.

Now my house is a mess and I’m 1 day away from the end of my cycle. Like the way I phrased that? Even though I’m beyond stressed and exhausted, my positive thinking has magically resurfaced again. But I’m still grumpy. And frustrated. And unhappy in general.

I went to a dear friend’s baby shower last weekend and am throwing one next weekend. I love them to death and thoroughly enjoyed celebrating. But the nagging bitterness and “when is it going to be our turn?!?” have resurfaced. Now I’m back to looking at adoption. I think I’m at the point of being willing to look at domestic versus County Foster-adopt. I just really want to be a mom. I want our turn!

Thank God we’re going to the ocean I a couple of days. 3 days on the central coast is exactly what I need right now.

Where has January gone?

Whoa, people, WHOA. How are we in the home stretch of January already?! I swear I just posted my new year’s goals like a week ago so how do we only have 10 days left in the month?!? I feel so behind and like I’m already seriously failing this year.

Goals update:

  • Weight loss: 0 (Gawwwwd I hate that you don’t lose weight the first few weeks you start building muscle again!)
  • Weekly running: I’ve completed at least 2 of my 4 workouts every week (semi fail)
  • Weekly strength training: I have practiced yoga at least once each week (semi success). If I son’t make it to my fave yoga instructor at the gym, I do Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown on Amazon Prime (it’s also available for free on YouTube!)

  • Running buddies: Been running with at least one other person at least once each week (super success!)
  • Racing: I’m signed up for a half marathon in March and a 10k on Super Bowl Sunday! So guilt-free eating that day, even though I’m not planning on watching. I’m being a sore loser, but if you watched that 49ers-Seahawks game, you’ll understand my pain. Bad calls and an immature quarterback killed me. I still need to plan the rest of my racing calendar ASAP.
  • Trips with hubby: we have a weekend trip planned for Valentine’s Day at a cute little dog-friendly (no restrictions and only a $15/pet per night fee!) inn in a cute little dog-friendly Northern California coastal town Valentine’s Day weekend. The BEST part is that after spending 2 nights at the ocean, we’ll still have 2 full days at home and are only taking 1 1/2 days off from work because it’s also President’s Day weekend!
  • Trips without hubby: So long as my nursing-student-friend’s school schedule permits, the girls are headed to DISNEYLAND for the weekend! Well Disneyland and possibly a hot L.A. club. We shall see. :) :) :)

 

The rest have been ignored. Whoops. I printed out a tracking sheet and vow to start using it this week! Next week I should have some better updates.

CD1 was on Sunday. 15dpo. It’s been like that every month but I still envision peeing on a stick at lunch time on 15dpo because technically I’m late. Clearly I’m also delusional if almost every single month I start on 15dpo. This month was sad for us, but ultimately ok. I reminded myself that it gives me time to get back to running, lose weight and start working on house projects (that I still have yet to start. Ugh!) And then seeing my mom change my little cousin’s baby’s diaper and feeding him on Monday made my heart break. She LOVES babies. And really loves babies related to her. And uber loves her only grandchild who lives 800 miles away. She wants a grandbaby here. She wants a grandbaby from me. And I so want to give that to her.

Today I feel better. It might have been my quick 3-miler (26:51!) after and exhausting and stressful day. Or just my faith that God has a little baby in His plan for me. But I do finally feel better and I’m really excited to try again.

While I’m pumped about my run, I still have a ways to go. On 11/9/13 I ran my way to my proudest PR since high school!

After seeing this, my cousin-in-law mentioned something about me being able to finish a half marathon in under 2 hours if I can run this close to a 7:00 mile. DOI! I probably can do that. So why am I running 3-4 miles at around a 10:00 mile pace?!? I decided I would stop being so darn conservative and aim for around 9:00 pace, except on long runs. I’m just under 8 weeks out from race day and I’m hoping that a new goal works so I’m a little behind in trying to chase that nice of a PR (my current one is 2:14). But that will be my year-end goal. By 12/31/14 I hope to run a sub-2 hour half mary!

Ok that’s it for now. On to crushing more goals!