Good Lord people. Sometimes I just give up. I’m so used to the old adage about it raining and pouring that I actually welcome it because it always means something really good is on the horizon. But what if I desperately want TWO good things? Well, then I become melancholy.
See last week hubby withdrew from his recruitment with a local law enforcement agency. It just isn’t the time to start this type of career considering we will hopefully be pregnant or adopting in the near future. While this was a completely logical decision that is best for him and our family, this deeply hurt him emotionally. He was looking forward to the career change and really excited about it. So for almost a week he was pretty depressed. I can’t tell you how hard this was on me too. I have never seen my husband so upset. And so down for so long. But the one ray of hope that kept him slightly optimistic about his future was that I was close to my fertile window, which meant that we might make a baby soon! But given our track record with that, the safer silver lining to hope for was a new job prospect for me. I had a job interview coming up for a promotion working in the child abuse prevention field. I was so stoked!
So we were dealing with my husband’s depression, I was prepping for an interview and then I had some weirdness with my manager. It became really stressful you guys. But this week we got it cleared up-just in time to find out my grandma was rushed to the hospital by ambulance for fainting in the grocery store. She is oddly fatigued today and not feeling normal, but they released her last night saying she’s probably fine. Yikes!
Oh and the weirdness with my manager got cleared just in time for reference checks from that job! Eeek! They started calling today!!!! So exciting! BUT even though I want this job SO bad, does a possible job offer mean no pregnancy this month?
I know (rationally) that the two are totally unrelated, but I’m sure I don’t have to explain the looney in my head. I just can’t fathom two Amazeballs things happening at the same time. And while both are pretty spectacular on their own, I’d really be disappointed if one didn’t pan out.
And I’d REALLY like to run this week but so much keeps happening. I’m spending the night with my grandma tonight so hopefully tomorrow? Lol sigh. I doubt it. I’m sure I’ll let something interfere like I have the last almost two weeks. Waaaah
Eeek I’ve been away a really long time! Too much has gone on to really catch up so here it is in bullets:
-still not pregnant lol
-hubby is no longer pursuing a career in law enforcement (phew!)
-I’ve been attending really productive weekly physical therapy sessions
-I ran my first pain-free 4 miles since July!
-I’m signed up for a half marathon in March
-I met the OMG-too-amazing Jenny (and her husband) from The Stupid Stork
-I’ve had 3 interviews in 2 weeks (think good thoughts!) after only sending out 10 application packets!
-I’m planning 2 baby showers for really close friends and so far I’m totally okay with it. I still have to offer for my SIL. whoops!
-I had the craziest TTC-swap EVER when I joined Dreaming of Dimples’ Mug Swap
Zoom in to the picture by the handle. Now do you see it? My swap match and I sent each other THE.EXACT.SAME.ONE! Hahaha! It says “be happy” on the inside and I love it!
Thanks again, MTBM!
And thank you all for being here.
Have any of you read/watched this? It’s all about the Law of Attraction and using belief to attract what you want. Or don’t want. Well I just read the book and realized that’s what I had been doing since my last cycle. The positive affirmations and believing (to the point of feeling emotions about it) a BFP into reality was the same as this Law. With a tweak. I learned that I cannot worry about losing a pregnancy. I simply have to believe it will give me my take-home baby because thinking about a negative outcome can bring that instead.
So this cycle I have been believing again. I envision Jenny (from Stupid Stork and I with our giant bellies gallivanting around LA next spring. And that brings tears of immense joy to my eyes. I imagine going to my next acupuncture appt next week and announcing that I am pregnant and my beta was 123! Yes, that’s a boring number but it’s the one that came to mind haha. And the vision of texting a super dark 2nd line to my loved ones always pops into my head.
So I finally let go and am fully believing God is giving me my baby this time. I agreed to sell my marathon bib. I’m not even walking it because even walking 13.1 miles is too much stain for me to even think about putting on my pregnant body. I’m only 9dpo today but I let go of my doubt.
I was also concerned about running and working out since every emby has problems implanting, but a sweet advice nurse assured me that there was nothing I was doing to cause the failure to stick. Since I haven’t had any medically-recognized pregnancies I won’t be doing any testing so I’m just going with the thought that my embies were not developing correctly and they were just flukes, not an indication of something truly wrong.
However, I will try to get a beta done when it seems like my HCG level could possibly be a 5 or higher. That way if I lose it I can actually have 1 pregnancy in the books so I can do RPL testing sooner rather than later. So I’ll start peeing on sticks tomorrow!
Also, I’m reading (with great JOY) about all of your babies and pregnancies. Just haven’t commented. I just got 2 more IRL announcements within 5 days of each other and have another IRL Prego. These are 3 of the women I am closest to so they’re sucking up most of my pregnancy joy at the moment.
Oh and if you somehow missed the news, Jenny could really use your positive thoughts, vibes, prayers, etc for this IVF cycle. The journey has been super cray so follow the link above and read the drama!
I’m feeling good today. I took 2 days off of work and spent yesterday alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my TV. Alone with Candy Crush. Ha! I got some tears out and went through really numb periods. But I went to sleep with less pain in my heart and turmoil in my head.
Today Hubster stayed home with me and we spent some great time together. We slept in and snuggled reeeeally late – 10:30! – and then we went to breakfast. Well, more like lunch, but they have the best pancakes in town and they didn’t disappoint. We relaxed afterwards and then went off to acupuncture.
My acupuncturist is great. I brag about him all the time, but it still doesn’t give him the credit he deserves. Not only do his needles work magic and he includes mini therapy sessions during the session, but he’s SO cheap! Community acupuncture clinics aren’t completely confidential because everyone gets treatment in a room together, but it works and have I mentioned how cheap it is?!?
Anyway, I haven’t been since February which was dumb. Even if I wasn’t doing fertility treatments, the needles really help with my running injury issues. So my amazing acupuncturist could have helped me with my ITB earlier. Ugh. But he helped with that today as well as cleaning me out from the chemical and thick lining.
AND he reassured me. He reminded me that chemicals probably happen to everyone and that if I wasn’t TTC, I would have no idea they happened. So it’s not just me. It’s not a sign that I’ll never have a pregnancy stick. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever have kids. Doi! But sometimes I just need to hear it from a “health care professional.”
As soon as the needles were in I closed my eyes and I envisioned a child. A little girl who looked like me (because I have no idea what our children will look like) in a cute little 4th of July sundress for her birthday. I’ve always wanted my children to be born close to a fun holiday so they could have fun birthdays. My guess is because mine is so close to Christmas I rarely got fun birthdays, but it’s a fun idea. So as I envisioned this little girl at her super fun birthday party, I smiled. And then I almost LOLed because I was laying back smiling with my eyes closed in a room full of people.
Then there was peace.
We will do all in our control to make a baby.
And we will have our baby.
From now on I don’t think I need to know about these chemicals. Hell, doctors don’t even count these as true pregnancies do nothing will ever come from knowing right?
So I guess I’ll wait until my period is a week late to test from now on.
Hubster and I are devastated, but we’re trying to be positive. I mean I ovulated without Clomid or the trigger shot. And one of his swimmers danced with that egg. Without medical interventions. So I’m going to continue with positive visualization & belief. And Hubster will continue to be blindly optimistic lol.
After 2 1/2 years we thought we had our miracle. But it’s not our time yet. It sucks and we wish it were but I can’t get lost in the unfairness. We cried, we yelled and we held each other. We snuggled with our furbabies and we pigged out on homemade carne asada fries. Hubster worked out and I watched reruns of The Good Wife.
As difficult and painful of a situation this is, somehow we decide to survive. And we do. Together. We’re blessed that way. Sometimes I wonder if that’s the reason we don’t get our baby. Because who gets their real Prince Charming AND their take-home baby?!? Oh, that’s right. All of you. And we will too. We have to believe that.
I’m bleeding now. And cramping. No peeing on anymore sticks for me right now. I’m going to call the Dr. later for my beta number. Part of me wishes I went through my fertility clinic for this part, but with 2 out of the 3 doctors there on my shitlist because of their unsympathetic “care,” it’s probably for the best that I didn’t.
Thanks for all the love and support. I would never have made it this far without you all.
That’s all for now. I’m going to hide away for the weekend.
Yep, you read that right. Yesterday, at 16 dpo, I got a faint positive. At lunchtime. Then after work (after a 2-hour pee hold) I got another faint positive. And this morning another one. All about the same color, but they aren’t getting lighter. Considering my history, that is a plus! We have an ob intake appt this afternoon, which includes bloodwork. I’m a nervous wreck!
Here’s how it all went down (with all the deets about my lady bits):
10-13 dpo – daily headaches and extreme fatigue
11-14 dpo - really heavy & sore tatas and unquenchable thirst
14 dpo - headache went away and tatas are normal (I also felt really thin! I should have taken a “belly shot” lol); no sign of AF until I got some cramping that evening; also very teary
15 dpo – cramping is gone and tatas are painful again; no period
16 dpo – anxiously waited to check tampon (I forgot to put on a panty liner and all I had at work were tammies) at 10 am since AF always shows right around 9 am; at 10:30 I finally found the courage to pull that little string and almost cried when it was clean; Hubster and I ran to the $ Tree at lunch to buy some tests and the one I took had a faint line. Holy shit!!!!!!!!! I took a digi at 2:30 because my coworker pretty much dragged me to the bathroom to pee on it and it was negative. At 4:30 I peed on a trusty FRER and there was a faint line. I made an appt with my ob/gyn and requested a blood test from my PC. And SO thirsty and teary again!
17 dpo – I’ve only checked for blood twice today and I’m feeling really yucky. I am still teary, fatigued, semi nauseous and dying from these headaches. Oh and hungry every hour. But I’m enjoying not feeling well! lol
It’s weird to go through this process without my RE’s office. It’s completely surreal to even be going through this process right now. I think once I have the blood test done and see a good number I’ll be able to really embrace this…possible pregnancy? I’ll update you on my test result and I’ll write more about how I am doing emotionally with all of this after I know that this is really happening.
But for now, I’m being careful and not running at all. I squatted/lunged with 12.5 lbs dumbells instead of the bar last night and I’m walking a ton. I got over 8,000 steps in yesterday!
I just really want as healthy a pregnancy as possible to make as healthy a child as possible. So I’m going to try to continue to eat healthy and stay really active, while also taking it easy. And I have daily positive pregnancy affirmations being emailed to me.