I feel so lost

I just don’t know what to do. About anything these days. I don’t know what direction I want to take our journey to parenthood. I don’t know how much I should continue to give of myself to my friends. I don’t know where I should focus my work energy. I don’t know if I should continue running.

I’m at a complete and utter loss.

All I know is I’m extremely emotional right now and feel so godamned alone as I come to terms with what is most likely another failed cycle. Period is due Monday so I guess I need to deal with it now, instead of waiting and becoming an uber bitch at work.

Even Hubster let me down. He gave me a 2-second half-hug when I broke down this evening. You know, the kind with one arm and feel more of their side than their chest? Yeah that’s the one I got.

Every single one of my closest friends has kids, is about to start trying or is hoping for an accident with her boyfriend of 4 months. Please can someone just shoot me now? Or kidnap me and drop me at some remote Island? Just saying…

That’s it. My head is throbbing because it won’t let me feel my pain. But there’s nothing I can do. It has shut me down yet again. No music therapy has worked and now there will be no writing therapy. Guess it’s time to pray.

Ignoring your infertility doesn’t really help

Now I’m just depressed.

But that’s really deep-down. I feel completely blessed to have such an amazing life that I honestly love. And fully enjoy. Like the weekend of the 4th. We spent Friday day and night with family eating and setting off fireworks. The next day we went boating on the river with my in-laws. Then running along the lake while Hubster went for an open-water swim.

Bliss.

Until it hits me.

I’m so sad that we don’t have kids yet and I’m terrified we won’t. All of a sudden the faith I clung so tightly to seems to have vanished.

Hubster and I agreed to do a home insemination this month because I guess my faith started dwindling. He’s been having issues with finishing since I started Clomid again and I just can’t go through the pain and discomfort only to not have any swimmers actually shoot into me. Plus we needed a way to get back to simply enjoying sex.

But then we hit a couple of bumps.

This month I didn’t take Clomid. I had a bad month on it last month so it was kind of a relief not to take it. And then I ordered our supplies (speculum, syringes & sterile cups) late so their arrival date was scheduled for CD12. And I usually ovulate before then.

So on CD10, when I saw this on my opk,

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I decided we were going to try after all.

Luckily we had sex (to completion) the night before so I told Hubster it was negative to try again. But then I foolishly told him the truth so it didn’t work, of course. Ugh. The next day I got another smiley and this time I did a good job of keeping it to myself and was rewarded with swimmers.

The next day we tried our experiment.

Hubster did his thing into a cup and we made our Cock Cocktail! Hahaha we were really amusing ourselves throughout this process. Anyway, I pulled up some preseed into the syringe, Hubster pulled up the swimmers and then we put more preseed in it. Once the syringe was ready, I lubed up the speculum, shoved a small sex ramp under my hips and instructed Hubster in how to insert it.

Poor guy was stressed.

That’s when I remembered just how crazy a speculum looks!

But it was fine. Once he opened me up I had him take a picture because I wanted to see my cervix and when would I ever have that chance again? And he was getting weirded out by it so I had to see it.

And it was weird.

So he shot the Cock Cocktail into me and then he snapped a picture. That one was even crazier!

And then I laid like that for 30 minutes while we chatted and laughed. It ended up being a pretty fun experience. One that I prefer over finding a new RE to do IUI’s in their office. No it’s not as effective, but this gave us some quality time and allowed Hubster to take an active role in the process.

But the excitement has worn off.

I started obsessing about whether we even really had a shot this month. Then I just gave up. I’m over the hoping and thinking positively now. I’m grouchy and stressed. And simply depressed.

I know I’ll be fine soon. For now I’m just going to wallow.

The most depressing cramps

I started feeling a little sad today. My coworker who knows about our infertility was asking about it and when I said that I’m still not sure I can handle IVF, she asked what it was so I explained everything as best I could. Remarkably, I was OK. I say that because today is CD31 and I’m still waiting for my period to start. I took a FRER yesterday morning and it was unmistakably negative.

Anyway, after our IF convo I finally started feeling sad. We’ve been on this road for so long. I don’t want to give up but it gets so hard sometimes to keep going. I have bared my heart to God, minus the tears I can’t seem to shed, and am completely lost.

Then the cramps came. And even though I expected them and hoped my period would show up before we leave for our weekend trip, these are the most depressing cramps I ever did suffer through.

#pityparty time.

Just when I thought my body couldn’t get any weirder…

It looks like I’m ovulating TWICE this month.

No, not releasing two eggs within 24 hours of each other, but I mean ovulating a 2nd time almost 2 weeks after the first.

Yes, digest that. It’s taken me about 2 days to.

So I got a positive OPK on CD8. Weird for being on Clomid, but normal for my crazy body. On CD16, I began having severe bloating and weird stretching sensations, as well as achy ovaries. Like they came in really suddenly in the middle of the night and it was so scary. I have never felt this badly before. And to prevent my natural obssesiveness (not an actual word, huh?), I haven’t been having mid-cycle ultrasounds. Everything has been normal so there has been no need. But this month I definitely needed one because I was freaking out about what was going on with my body.

Unfortunately I was on a business trip when this happened so I didn’t go in to see the doctor for a couple of days. By then the bloating had gone down about 80%. The doctor felt around on my abdomen and said everything felt normal and he didn’t feel any bloating, but almost every place he slightly pressed was tender. Which freaked me out even more.

When he began the ultrasound we had our answer. My left ovary had a 30mm follicle on it and a couple smaller, but mature ones, and the right had some more. So at first I wondered if the OPK was wrong, but he found the free fluid that comes from ruptured follicles. He told me that he’s not supposed to encourage us to get busy (not his terminology, of course) but that we might as well lol. Also my lining looks perfect at 10mm. So one ovary is over 6cm and another is over 4, which explains the discomfort and also means no running for awhile. 😣

So what the heck, you guys? This was a different doctor than mine, and I’m still waiting to hear my doctor’s thoughts, so what do you all think? I found crazy stories on Google, of course, but it still seems so far-fetched.

On a positive note, check out a few of our 13 veggie plants and 13 long beans sprouting.
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Living in the Moment

Wow. What a crazy couple of weeks. I had a 3-day business trip last week I was excited about for a couple of reasons: 1. I would be super busy learning my job, so it was going to be a great distraction at the end of my 2ww, and 2. a nice break from everyday life and Hubster. But of course all that perfection totally didn’t pan out. Guess who stated their period 4 days early? This lady.

The day my long-awaited first ever overnight business trip began, so did Auntie Flo. Which meant I didn’t get to have one-day emotional breakdown with Hubster-only a mini one lasting about 30 seconds before I had to dry my eyes and reapply makeup. So being the veteran Infertile I am, I put my sadness aside to make small talk with my coworkers and the program I was visiting and learn my job. Oh and I ate WELL for the next 3 days. Then I came home, picked up my Clomid Rx and settled into another cycle.

And OMG what a roller coaster this cycle has been. I have started 3 different posts this week but my mood would change so rapidly I could never finish them. Since my posts are usually all over the place I really didn’t want to write a completely scattered post so I gave up. Until today.

I’m on CD13 and until about 2 days ago, my emotions have pinballed between high hopes, detachment, giving up, excitement about adoption and dreaming about living child-free. I have alternated between feeling extra loving towards Hubster and snapping at him. And I have no patience for a few good friends of mine.

So what happened in the last few days? Vacation. A short getaway to the Pacific Northwest with Hubster and has given me the reset my brain needed. It has been stressful being busy with in-law obligations and another short business trip the day after we return, but good lord I needed this trip. And so did our marriage. I can’t tell you how loud my heart sang when Hubster looked at me after happy hour today and proclaimed this to be our best vacation because he’s had so much fun.

Portland has been fantastic and we’ve crammed a lot in these 3 days. We’ve eaten at a hipster-y restaurant, attended a super chill brew fest, ate at one of the many food cart parks and…..wait for it…..

The World Naked Bike Ride!

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Keep Portland weird!

Now we can say that we have lived.

And today I noticed that all of the excitement of this awesome new city has kept me from wondering what will happen with this cycle, what to do if it doesn’t work, how morning sickness and lethargy will feel like, when (and how) we’ll announce a pregnancy to family, and even adoption dreaming.

So this trip has not only been as fun as Hubster stated, but it has been thoroughly liberating, to say the least.

Now let’s hope the excitement of another business trip can continue this feeling. It’s to a super boring little town in Northern California so my hopes aren’t high, but I’m usually an irrational optimist, so maybe!

Well this sucks…

I achieved something I was working for and I realized I made a huge mistake.

I wanted to stop hoping and I did. I now no longer believe this cycle is going to work. I, again, never got my OPK smiley. We had lots of sex, but I’m sure that, again, this cycle will fail. I console myself with thoughts of adopting, but this yucky pessimism sucks.

So I’m trying to enjoy the rest of my life. I’m focusing on the positives of my job and how perfect it is, the fun life Hubster and I lead and how loving my doggies are. And they are all reeeeally great blessings. But deep down I’m sad.

So never again! Next month I will do my affirmations. I will envision the sperm meeting with the egg and the resulting embryo burrowing into my womb. Even if the cycle doesn’t work, it feels so much better during the process. Hoping brings feelings of excitement, joy and anticipation. And if my period starts, I have a day of sadness, but that is waaaay better than a whole month of it!

I choose hope.

(Now hopefully I’ll remember that next month!)

Ok enough of the depressing stuff. More for the fun stuff!

Hubster and I completed our first city-wide scavenger hunt. Super fun! We made top ten out of over 160 other teams and are pretty proud. We solved 12 clues to find 9 spots to take pics and complete 3 challenges. The route we plotted took us 6 miles and we completed the whole thing in under 2 hours. We had one bad spot of arguing when we got a little lost, but were much more supportive and encouraging the next time we got lost.

We were disappointed with our 2 boo-boo’s because we probably would have made top 3 is we didn’t have them, but ultimately we worked well as a team and had a lot of fun. It was great for our relationship and reminded me why I chose this man to spend my life with.

I strongly recommend looking into the Urban Dare near you!

Exciting Days!

On Saturday Hubster and I, along with my parents, attended an informational seminar at an adoption agency we’re interested in. It was FANTASTIC. They really educate people about adoption-from the perspectives of the birth mothers to adoptees to adoptive parents. As well as the benefits of open adoption. And it was nice to share this with my parents. Even though they would have been supportive no matter what, it is sort of a relief to see their complete buy-in as well.

Although we’re still trying with Clomid+timed intercourse and have decided on a more desperate sex-every-other-day-all-month-long basis, I actually feel SOOO hopeful about being a parent. Hubster wrote the most beautiful sentence in my mother’s day card he gave me:

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Even though mother’s day dinner with my in-laws again this year (big group picture of just the moms), I didn’t have to fight back tears because I remembered those words.

The best part of the seminar was Hubster’s complete buy-in. He feels much more comfortable with open adoption now and is fully accepting of this path, should we be faced with it. Yay! This makes my heart so happy. I’m going to be a mommy and he’s going to be a daddy.

The catch is money. We have to put down about $2,500 to sign the contract and within 6 months pay another $11,500. I think for now the plan is to fundraise, apply for grants and secure a loan in order to pay the entire join fee when we sign the contract and have the rest of the about $10,000 in reserves… just in case we’re a lucky couple that finalizes months after starting. Not likely, but it might happen!

So we have a plan, I’m loving my new job and I’m running a little bit more regularly. I have survived mother’s day and come out even happier than I could imagine. Before my life seems to crumble again, I’m simply going to enjoy. Now I’m off to run with a good friend!

Breakdown

Uuuugh it happened again. The first time I’ve had a massive breakdown in several months. Um maybe in over a year? But I’m ok with it. I needed it. And it probably won’t happen again for quite awhile.

In the last month my friend has given birth to her first child and my SIL has given birth to her 2nd. I started back on Clomid and it was a failed cycle. Oh and I spent the weekend with my family while Hubster stayed home – which meant lots of questions about our family-building journey (on CD2) that I just wasn’t in a good place to answer. Plus arriving home yesterday afternoon after a 7-hr drive not to the welcoming arms and hot shower I desperately needed, but to a frantic husband trying to finish tidying the house and wet dog hair all over my bathroom (including my shower).

So I completely lost it.

I am talking lost.my.shit. completely. yesterday evening.

But Hubster and I got through it and I pulled myself together enough to go to the hospital and snuggle my not-yet-24hours-old nephew. It was heaven until I got that question:

It hurt so bad, are you sure you want to go through that?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG A MILLION TRILLION TIMES YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!

I know childbirth can be traumatic, but why do people insist on asking that question?!? If I didn’t love this woman so much, I probably would have used a snippy tone while replying, “like you would give back your amazing children to never have gone through that?!?”

Instead, I simply stated that yes, I really do.

So we went home earlier than planned, I introduced my husband to Footloose and we went to sleep.

I got the tears out that have been building for months so while I’m not good, I’m better. Today I’m not going to ask “why?!?” Instead, I’m going to feel my sadness, while giving thanks for all of the blessings I do have and for God’s perfect timing, do what I need to do to feel better and then snuggle both of their boys.

Tomorrow is my yoga class. I just have to make it to tomorrow evening…

How I have begun to grieve the loss of bio kids

This is an adoption post. We’re getting close to our first informational seminar so it’s on my mind a lot.

I am really looking forward to adopting. It satisfies my desire to help people, especially vulnerable women and children, and my deep desire to be a mother. I am a very naturally loving person and when I come in contact with children, I usually love them instantly. Especially the ones I have cared for through babysitting, day care or while working in the social work field. And more importantly, the ones born to family members and dear friends. So I have no doubt in my ability to love any newborn I’m blessed to adopt. Same goes with my husband. He’s not quite as eager as I, but would without a doubt completely love and adore any baby given to us to raise.

We’re just SO ready to be parents, everyone. It’s been 3 years since we decided to throw out the birth control pills and almost 3 years since we actively started trying to make a baby. We’ve watched every one of our married friends try, conceive and birth their first babies and now many are trying, conceiving and having their second children. Even the ones who struggled to have their first have already had them. We are literally the last ones.

So it’s time to start the adoption process. Exciting but sad. So we’re still trying in the meantime because we would still really like to have bio kids. And part of that is just to go through the whole pregnancy and childbirth experience, but we both really want mini-me’s, or combo mini-me’s.

Being bi-racial gives me really unique physical features that both Hubster and I looked forward to possibly seeing in our children. And my husband’s really small eyes were something I have always wanted to see in my children. We also have some very opposite features that would be ideal if they were combined. We’ve talked endlessly about what we thought our kids might look like and if we adopt, we’ll never know.

And those are just physical attributes. That’s not what makes Hubster and I who we fundamentally are. And those are also special attributes we always wanted to pass on. Hubster is hilariously clever, artistically creative, highly intelligent and inquisitive, and broadly empathetic. Like in all ways he can naturally empathize with people. Basically, Hubster is nothing short of amazing and I have really looked forward to passing at least some of those traits on.

However, in talking a with a very close (fertile) friend about nature vs nurture and what we’ve seen in life experiences, I realized that even though passing on your genetic code is usually a very important experience for most people, including me, that’s not what parenting really is. Honestly, passing down attributes to your bio child is a crap shoot. So many people don’t look like either of their parents and/or have very different personalities from their parents. And a lot of what we hope to instill in our children can come from the way we nurture them.

Like teaching children to work hard for what they want, to take responsibility for themselves and others in this world, to care for people, other living organisms and the environment and to believe in themselves are things that can be taught. Right? Or am I being too optimistic?

And if that’s the case then with adopting, we’re not really missing out. In the end we will raise up an infant like we so very much want to. We will bring an infant home from the hospital, introduce him/her to our dogs and families, spend many sleepless days and nights bonding with and caring for this child and begin building family traditions with. That is so exciting to me! So I think I’m working out the sadness with giving up the idea of bio kids. When I think of what is most important to me, it’s not the possible passing down of traits. It’s the loving, guiding, bonding and building of family traditions with a new tiny addition to our family.

For those of you who have adopted, are in the process or have known people to adopt, any thoughts? Any other things to think about?

A New Start

After 9 interviews and 3 second-interviews, I got two amazing job offers. YAY! I accepted the first one I got and I’m so excited about it. There will be a lot of traveling so Hubster is not 100% thrilled, but we’ll make it work. It’s only statewide travel which means he can join me for mini vacays when I go to fun places and can meet me when it’s time for Babymaking. Perfect, right? Well, close. My original start date of Monday was pushed back to today because their HR didn’t finish processing my paperwork. I already had my last day on Friday and I had 2 impromptu days off of work. I preferred to start my new job right away on Monday, but after the last month (3 of my interviews and the 3 second-interviews all took place within 2 weeks) I could actually use the break. And boy did I!

I ended up with a 4-day weekend of lounging, reading the Divergent Series, gardening, reorganizing parts of my house, running and spending lots of quality time with Hubster. The perfect balance of relaxation and production. Plus, I finished off my first round of Clomid in over a year.

Overall, I’m feeling pretty good on Clomid. I took 100mg to start off since the first time I took 50mg I didn’t ovulate. It’s hard to be moody, HOT, weepy and bloated, but I’m excited. I forgot how hopeful I feel on Clomid. I forgot how this tiny little pill that causes so much turmoil also makes me see not a light at the end of the tunnel, but a big beautiful rainbow. Especially now that I have a new job I’m so excited about. I’m seriously on Cloud 9 right now. That should help me get pregnant too, right? See?All kinds of hope pouring out of me these days!!!!

Oh and let’s not forget my mid-cycle ultrasound. I have 4 mature follicles!!!!!!! And a slight triple-striped lining. It’s not looking fabulous, but it’s good enough.

So now that I no longer want to kill myself everyday I leave work, I’m back and will be catching up with all of you lovelies.