How I have begun to grieve the loss of bio kids

This is an adoption post. We’re getting close to our first informational seminar so it’s on my mind a lot.

I am really looking forward to adopting. It satisfies my desire to help people, especially vulnerable women and children, and my deep desire to be a mother. I am a very naturally loving person and when I come in contact with children, I usually love them instantly. Especially the ones I have cared for through babysitting, day care or while working in the social work field. And more importantly, the ones born to family members and dear friends. So I have no doubt in my ability to love any newborn I’m blessed to adopt. Same goes with my husband. He’s not quite as eager as I, but would without a doubt completely love and adore any baby given to us to raise.

We’re just SO ready to be parents, everyone. It’s been 3 years since we decided to throw out the birth control pills and almost 3 years since we actively started trying to make a baby. We’ve watched every one of our married friends try, conceive and birth their first babies and now many are trying, conceiving and having their second children. Even the ones who struggled to have their first have already had them. We are literally the last ones.

So it’s time to start the adoption process. Exciting but sad. So we’re still trying in the meantime because we would still really like to have bio kids. And part of that is just to go through the whole pregnancy and childbirth experience, but we both really want mini-me’s, or combo mini-me’s.

Being bi-racial gives me really unique physical features that both Hubster and I looked forward to possibly seeing in our children. And my husband’s really small eyes were something I have always wanted to see in my children. We also have some very opposite features that would be ideal if they were combined. We’ve talked endlessly about what we thought our kids might look like and if we adopt, we’ll never know.

And those are just physical attributes. That’s not what makes Hubster and I who we fundamentally are. And those are also special attributes we always wanted to pass on. Hubster is hilariously clever, artistically creative, highly intelligent and inquisitive, and broadly empathetic. Like in all ways he can naturally empathize with people. Basically, Hubster is nothing short of amazing and I have really looked forward to passing at least some of those traits on.

However, in talking a with a very close (fertile) friend about nature vs nurture and what we’ve seen in life experiences, I realized that even though passing on your genetic code is usually a very important experience for most people, including me, that’s not what parenting really is. Honestly, passing down attributes to your bio child is a crap shoot. So many people don’t look like either of their parents and/or have very different personalities from their parents. And a lot of what we hope to instill in our children can come from the way we nurture them.

Like teaching children to work hard for what they want, to take responsibility for themselves and others in this world, to care for people, other living organisms and the environment and to believe in themselves are things that can be taught. Right? Or am I being too optimistic?

And if that’s the case then with adopting, we’re not really missing out. In the end we will raise up an infant like we so very much want to. We will bring an infant home from the hospital, introduce him/her to our dogs and families, spend many sleepless days and nights bonding with and caring for this child and begin building family traditions with. That is so exciting to me! So I think I’m working out the sadness with giving up the idea of bio kids. When I think of what is most important to me, it’s not the possible passing down of traits. It’s the loving, guiding, bonding and building of family traditions with a new tiny addition to our family.

For those of you who have adopted, are in the process or have known people to adopt, any thoughts? Any other things to think about?