Good NT scan and coping

I always wanted to be the person who beat infertility and welcomed pregnancy with open arms. And while part of me is like that, another part is not. I get so excited seeing my baby on the ultrasound monitor and tears slide out of the corner of my eyes out of relief and joy. But if I’m honest with myself, it’s mostly relief. And while I’m usually in shock throughout each appointment that this is actually happening, today’s scan was a new feeling entirely.

I finally realized that I never truly believed this day would come.

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I never truly believed a baby would grow inside of me. But holy shit, one is. I always tried to remain hopeful, but at a certain point, I think 3 years into infertility, I accepted that I would never experience the highs and lows of pregnancy. Even the days when I was sick as a dog, I was usually convinced it was leftover hormones from the pregnancy, but that the baby wasn’t still around. And don’t get me started on the morning after days I was actually able to eat healthy and walk more than 2,000 steps in a day. I would majorly freak out and feel guilty about wishing I didn’t look so fat* (I know I’m not actually fat, but the rolls-yes that was plural-on my back ARE fat and slightly disturb me*), while also trying to remind myself that I had simply had a healthy day and that’s why I look a teeny tiny bit smaller. And I avoid people. Because when I see them, all we want to talk about is my pregnancy and I somehow feel like an imposter. Like I’m just biding my time until this pregnancy goes away. It feels so surreal to me and no one IRL gets that.

Yes, I’m excited and feel so blessed to have come this far. I have started a private baby registry that I put my top choices of baby needs on so when it gets more real, I can actually sit down and make decisions. I have researched daycare centers because I only want my child with my parents-in-law to watch our baby 2 days a week (FIL doesn’t respect the parents’ wishes and let’s his grandkids watch as much TV/videos as they want and gives then candy at a very early age). We even went on 2 tours today and got on a yearlong waiting list and I was SO excited the whole time. So I’m planning on there being a baby here in October, and I so desperately want this baby, but it still doesn’t feel real.

I hope one day it will. So I will stop making everyone uncomfortable being so uncertain and seemingly less excited than them.

Ok, onto the fun stuff. I’m 12w3d and baby measured 13w1d. So staying consistently 5 days ahead. The NT measure was 2.2mm so within normal, thank God! The tech wouldn’t look for the sex so all of you finding out at your NT scans, I’m SO jealous! And we found our baby’s daycare center and met all the teachers. This one does the primary care system, where 1 teacher is assigned to your child, and then they move up with the child through the different rooms. They also separate the walkers from non-walkers in the infant room, which I really like. And they believe in whole foods, even making fresh baby food. Which is part of tuition so I’m glad I’m paying for foods I would actually cook for my child. Oh! The best part? It’s located about 2 blocks from my office! Which means that if I’m able to breastfeed, I can actually go on my lunch hour to feed my kid!!!! And even if I’m formula-feeding, I can still spend that quality time with Baby, obvi!

Oh and yes, I’ve had body image issues* from like 14dpt, but they are starting to resolve. I have a short torso (less than 2 inches from my last rib to my hip) and my weight always goes only to that region, so I always knew I would “show” early, but it was still hard to accept. Also, I have gained the aforementioned back fat and have lost all muscle definition in my arms due to being too sick and fatigued to work out. I don’t fit my clothes so I have slowly been buying maternity counted clothes online (I highly recommend Old Navy during their sales as they’re mat clothes are about the same price as the rest!) but haven’t fit them well. When I opened a package of dresses I ordered, I was quite alarmed at how large they were! I refused to try them on because I was afraid I would fit them and kept reminding myself that they’re not huge, just have extra material in the tummy. Finally, I came to terms with my body this weekend and tried on the dresses and fell in love with my body! Yes, they fit lol. But they also have so much room to grow. And by this time my shorts/Capri order arrived and I was THRILLED to look so cute.

But for some reason my maternity clothes make me feel like an imposter too. Sigh. Oh well, one battle at a time!

*Please, no lectures about pregnant bodies being beautiful and so forth. I know. And I’m getting there. 

One dream infertility has cost me

Running through my pregnancy.

I’m an avid runner & half marathoner (only one-time marathoner bc of TTC for almost 4 years) and always envisioned being one of those crazy women running with a bump. I have always wanted to get the running shirts that say, “running for 2!” and the ones that have a baby footprint on the belly.

But no. Not with this $20k baby growing inside of me. There’s too much fear and worry with this IVF pregnancy. And even though I long to run just 2 or 3 slow daily miles to keep up my fitness and cardiovascular health, I doubt I can get myself to actually do it and I know Hubster would never be ok with it. It seems like a small sacrifice, but as the racing season and the Boston Marathon starts ramping up, I’m dying a little bit on the inside.

And I know I can end the year with a race after having this baby, but it makes me so sad not to run with this baby in my womb. It’s just another one of those dreams that have been unfairly taken away and I just need to whine a little to people who might understand.

Anti-Vaxxers have terrified me!

I don’t want this to become a debate, but I just have to share (vent) about how fearful and angry I am at the anti-MMR vaccine movement. As you all know, being a parent is terrifying. Not only do you have to worry about keeping your child safe on the playground, but you have to worry about predators hurting them.  NOW I  have to worry about Anti-Vaxxers hurting my baby.

I always envisioned going to my friend’s Mommy FitClub with baby while on maternity leave, taking baby to music class at the library and starting swim lessons at 6 months old.

But all of that will not happen because my child won’t be immunized against the life-threatening measles infection until baby is 12 months old. I will be back at work by then so no Mommy FitClub for me, grandparents will take baby to music class at the library and swimming lessons will wait until AFTER summertime. Which means baby will be about 18 months old before taking a lesson and will only be able to go in my parents-in-law’s pool the first year of life.

We are a very active couple with a very active social life, but we will now be THOSE parents isolating their child the entire first year. That infuriates me. And I’m not being paranoid because I’m in California. The heart of the Anti-Vaxxers’ movement. Who knows how many children in my community have been exposed to measles and can spread it to my baby?

So yes, I’m ANGRY about this. I get that parents want to have the choice to make the decision they feel is best, but I don’t agree that they get to make this choice at mine and my child’s expense. It’s so much more selfish than they realize. IT’S NOT FAIR THAT I HAVE TO GRIEVE THE LOSS OF EVEN MORE HOPES AND DREAMS. Haven’t infertility and pregnancy loss already taken ENOUGH from me?

And like I said, there will be no debating because I have heard their argument for years. There’s no point and this is my blog.

Time with my ladies & other things that make me smile

A week ago last Sunday I went on a much-needed girls’ trip for 3 days. Work has been utterly exhausting and my dependence on Hubster has reached a terrifying new level. I’m not being dramatic. I love him SO much that I cannot get enough of him. I miss him while I’m at work and then the days we don’t carpool. Oh boy, I miss him terribly. No joke. I cried waiting for his arrival one evening. He got home like 40 minutes after me. Plus, I’m sure Hubster needed a break from taking care of me.

And work. Holy S! The demands on my unit have increased so much that I would have LOVED the frenzied pace, if I were not pregnant. And in my first trimester. Trying to get my ultra-fuzzy brain to focus, PLUS get top-notch work out with decreased timelines has been a nightmare. I go home feeling nauseous and exhausted everyday, but there’s nothing I can do. Everyone, including my boss, keep telling me to take care of myself and not to work too hard, but I can’t become a slacker. I found out that Hubster has TONS of leave and will have enough to donate 2 months to me  (one of the perks of working for the State) for maternity leave, which means our baby won’t go to daycare before 6 months old-my biggest wish! Also, I’m hoping that continuing to earn my reputation for being a hard worker will help my case for telecommuting part time when I come back from maternity leave. So, I have to suffer through this pace.

But even short vacations like one my girlfriends and I went on are the lights at the end of my dark tunnels lol. We swam in the heated pool, took lovely pics of the ocean

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and went on the nighttime tour of Hearst Castle!

Hmmm…I can’t remember what else I was going to write about. And I’m tired after venturing down to the gym in my hotel (yes, I’m on a business trip right now) to get my workout on. Here I am embracing my blump before working out at 11w4d:

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Ok, night night.

So.many.tears.

Wow. I always knew I was empathetic and emotional, but pregnancy hormones are no.joke. I cry for everything. I feel so much!

For those readers going through tough times, let me assure you that I have cried alongside of you. It breaks my heart, like it’s never been broken before (and I’ve done over 8 rounds of Clomid!), every time I read of your heartbreak. Even Hubster gets some major feels reading sad posts.

It’s like we’re outside of Infertility World now that I’m pregnant, but oh-so-right-there still. Failed cycles and losses happening to those of you still in the trenches all feel like they just happened to us yesterday. All the pain, terror and devastation you feel hit us like we were the ones to experience it. I know we all read these posts all the time, but please know that I’m still cheering each one of you on and praying you get your miracle so soon! Truly! I know what it’s like to be in your place. Just a couple of months ago I was one of only 4 bloggers in my original circle not yet pregnant… 3 years after starting my blog!

For those of you experiencing the unprecedented joys (and irritants) of pregnancy, I cry alongside your tears of joy from your BFPs to birth stories. They’re remarkably special to me.

I know this is a totally random post, but I just had to say something after I read this post on FB

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Ugh. I’ve been there. And I immediately sobbed for this couple. I hope they get their miracle one day. Please pray for them.

And now I’ll go cry over someone doing something on my TV. Sigh.

Baby is alive and KICKIN!

OMG! Every US gets more and more amazing. Baby is GIANT (measuring 5 days ahead) still at 9w3d and such a wiggle-worm. It was amazing to see the whole body move, then hands and feet going all over the place. My doctor is sweet and let us watch for awhile before I remembered to ask Hubster to record it. Then he let us watch/record until I said I was done. I could have watched s/he kick and punch all day and all night though.

Ok. I’m feeling a lot better about this pregnancy now. I know I’m not out of the woods yet, but I just have this feeling s/he is here for the long haul and that is strengthened every time one of these appts works out so well.

I guess it’s time to start sharing my bumpdates. I think they’ll be on a separate page, but we’ll see.

Another US tomorrow…

…with 2 perfectly normal ones under my belt and crazy morning sickness, why am I more nervous now?

Tomorrow I will be 9w4d. Holy cow! Getting past the 9-week mark is huge for me because I’ve not heard (first-hand) of many people losing a pregnancy after 9 weeks. Yes, it can still happen, but I think this US is a big one for me. I have been feeling more confident in this baby after each perfect US, but that confidence wanes after about 3-4 days. Then I’d have various chats and pep talks with Baby and with God and feel a little better. But getting to this point is both absolutely terrifying and exciting.

Terrifying because of the obvious. Exciting because if all goes well we get to see the heartbeat fluttering AND Baby moving.

Ugh. Come on 3:00 p.m.

Pregnancy Brain

Is my excuse for being absent! I literally forgot about this blogosphere until Izzy texted me requesting demanding an update lol!

So here I go:
Morning all-day sickness has hit with a vengeance. But I don’t actually vomit. Well, except for the 4 days I threw up as I brushed my teeth. Lucky for me, that has passed and I only spend 1-2 minutes dry-heaving as I spit and rinse my mouth. Every morning.

Keeping that nausea at bay has become my sole focus and pretty much a full time job that I work at least 60 hours a week at. It gets worse as the day wears on and if I’ve tricked my body into not being sick all day, I pay for it at night. Take yesterday as an example: I felt ok to great all day and started getting tired around 2 p.m. When I got home from work, I laid down for a nap. I had about an hour and 15 minutes until Hubster was due to arrive home and all hell would break loose (one of my darling furbabies ALWAYS barks like a mad woman when we get home!) and I wanted to take advantage. Sleep never came.

I got up, felt a little queasy and reached for my box of cheerios and my bottle of water. (Miraculously I was able to drink water yesterday!) After just a few minutes I felt fine again and ate dinner. A frozen chicken burrito and then Hubster made me a fried egg on toast when he got home. I still felt fine. And I was HAPPY! That was the first meal I had eaten all day. Prior to that it was water, cheerios, and string cheese. All day.

Then it was time to get ready for our big night out- a book launch party for one of my besties and a super fun concert. That’s when I started feeling really fatigued. Then nauseous. It was so bad and hit me like a semi. So I had to cancel and go to bed. It was so depressing and still is today.

But, I’m 8w6d pregnant and I wouldn’t give that up for anything in the world. I know it sounds like I’m complaining about being sick, but I promise you I’m not. I hate it and I’m miserable, but it is such a blessing. And honestly, I’m just more amazed at the strength and endurance of a woman’s body. To be able to feel this bad and continue to keep going after such a lack of nourishment is truly amazing.

So that’s where I’m at. I start my last bottle of PIO tonight (WOOOOOHOOOOO) and have an US next Monday. Then no more until the NT scan. I can’t believe that’s less than a month away. Because it’s rapidly approaching, I’ve been thinking about our announcement photos and debating on doing them or not. I was thinking about posting a warning when I got 13 weeks saying something like, “Trigger post coming next week. If you understand this, feel free to unfollow me now. If you don’t, you are probably safe!” Haha!

But seriously, I know a few FB friends reached out when I “came out” on FB years ago and haven’t kept up with most of them, but they haven’t posted pics of new babies so I don’t know where they’re at in their journeys. So I dunno. I have time to decide because I know I don’t want to do it right at 13 weeks. Maybe closer to 16? Hubster said I was crazy when I proposed 20 weeks so I guess I’ll do it before then. If I do. We’ll see.

One step at a time…

It’s starting to become more real

Everyday I’m super nauseous and feeling icky. Oh and seeing my GIANT baby and her/his fluttering heart on the US monitor on Monday was SO amazing. Hearing the heartbeat (171bpm) was beautiful, but something about seeing that flutter is what made it so real!

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Monday we had our intake with the OB department and my doctor was sweet enough to start the appointment off with an US. They’re not usually done this early but since I was an IVF patient, they made exceptions. Their count has me 1 day later than my RE’s office, but since baby measured ahead by 3 days, I’m sticking with my original date. Which makes me 7w6d today. Cray!

So I decided to purchase my first maternity clothes! Well, no, not because I was really believing I’m pregnant. It’s more because I can’t fit most of my clothes. THIS is because it’s feeling more real:

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I hope I didn’t jinx it!

Lucky Socks

Ok, I just signed up for another TTC sock exchange and I’m super stoked. If anyone wants to get in on the action, please check out the link below:
http://trialsbringjoy.com/lucky-sock-exchange-2015/

Wearing the 3 pairs I’ve received over the years each time I get in the stirrups brings me a sense of calm and peace knowing my TTC sisters have my back. And, honestly, they have become lucky charms to me as well. I can’t wait for a new pair as I embark on this new journey.

As far as giving, it is probably one of the funnest gifts to give. You can get silly, cute, empowering or fancy with it. Just knowing you’re giving a sister support when she wears them is amazing.

Hope you all join!