Baby book suggestions please!

Since Baby can hear now, I am thinking about starting to read weekly her/him. Somewhere I came across a great list of baby books and think it was somewhere in the IF-world. It didn’t include the more mainstream ones so I need help!

Any ideas?

I’d like to use this as our first book tradition so something sweet and loving, obvs! I feel a little silly doing it, but with all the movement I feel now I’d like to continue this blissful state. I think this will help remind me to enjoy my pregnancy, instead of stressing about what if. Especially with a very early baby shower coming up. That’s a whole other story, but basically we’ll have a baby shower with our families on 7/25. You know, like 27 weeks pregnant? Just the usual.

Anyway, back to my (hopefully) happy place, reading to Baby.

Thanks for any ideas you can share!

Consistent movement has arrived


Did I just write that? How is this my life right now?!?

But almost every time I lay back, I can feel Baby moving around. When I press down I can feel Baby kick my hand or just roll around. Sometimes, however, it’s a flipping motion I feel inside and all of it is CRAZY!

It kind of sucks that Hubster only got to feel Baby’s movements once before I left on what is HOPEFULLY my last business trip for awhile. It makes me even more sad to be away from him because feeling Baby’s movements is the only thing he can do to feel connected to our baby. But in 2 days I’ll be home so for now I’ll just focus on the positive.

Baby is strong and everything really is fine!

OB Saga Continued

After my meltdown, I got busy. I found a potential new OB at my current OB’s practice in interested in and 3 others affiliated within the medical group, but at other locations. The furthest is about 35 minutes away from my office and the closest is about 20 minutes.

Also, I’m waiting to hear back about whether he is moving away or just going to another medical group in the area. But for now, I’m trying to get my ducks in a row to stay with my current medical group, just in case. After searching lots of lists of interview questions, I found the one that’s really gets down in the nittty gritty of what I actually want to know (I already know how office appointments and L&D on-call staff works) and want to see if any of you vets have additions? Or comments on these questions?

1. What Are Your Philosophies And Beliefs About Birth? This open ended question is the most important question you could ask an ob gyn, as it will give you an idea as to how they see birth and how they may try and control the process. Do they see birth as: A medical process which needs to be monitored and managed continuously? A process which is fraught with potential minefields and requires preventative procedures? Or; A natural process where nature should take it’s course before interfering?

2. How Much Choice Do You Feel I Should Have In The Decision Making Process? Women (and their partners) tend to have much better experiences of birth when they are involved in the decision making process and are given options. Those who feel that they have no control over or are not informed or involved with decision making tend to have a less positive experience of birth and may even end up depressed or with post traumatic stress disorder. So it’s very important to choose someone who you feel will involve and inform you throughout your pregnancy and birth, without wanting to race you out the door in five minutes.

3. What Are Your Thoughts On Pain Relief During Labour?

4. How Do You Feel About My Birth Plan? Do You Forsee Any Problems? If you haven’t yet put together your birth preferences (birth plan) it’s a good idea to take a rough one with you when you interview an obstetrician. It can always be altered later, closer to the date, but it’s important that the person who is to be your primary carer can see what you have in mind for the birth – and its important for you to find out what he/she thinks about it before it’s too late. There’s nothing worse than being in a situation where you need to make a quick decision and feel like you don’t have enough time to discuss it. Ask the obstetrician to tick or initial each point in your plan and/or sign the end of your birth plan in agreement, so when you present it to the hospital or when you face deviations to your plan, you have something signed to show the hospital or the obstetrician.

5. What Are Your Thoughts On Electronic Monitoring And When Do You Think It Should Be Used? Intermittent doppler monitoring is standard care during labour, however some obstetricians and/or hospitals prefer to use more restrictive and invasive procedures of monitoring which can affect the way you plan to labour and give birth. Continuous CTG monitoring which involves you being stuck in one position, usually on the bed, and can be detrimental to the progress of labour.

6. What Is Your Induction Rate And When Do You Think Induction Of Labour Should Be Considered? Obstetricians will have varying protocols on induction, from inducing only days after your guess date, some 7-10 days post-dates, some 2 weeks, and some will allow more if baby and mother are well.

7. What is your caesarean section rate and in what situations will you recommend a caesarean section?

8. How do you feel about mothers being separated from their babies after a caesarean? What about immediate skin to skin contact if all are well?

9. What is your episiotomy rate and in what situations would you perform one? These days it is not common to find an Obstetrician who will do routine episiotomies, however they are still being performed during the birth.

10. How do you feel about vaginal breech birth? If you support it, what conditions do you have?

11. How do you manage the third stage? The third stage is the birth of the placenta. It may seem like something irrelevant, but there are some very important things here that affect your baby, remembering that the placenta has been the baby’s life support system for nine months and contains building blocks for your baby’s body. Firstly, in order to streamline and hurry things along after your baby is born, just about all hospitals and obstetricians will clamp and cut the cord right away, then give you an injection to expel the placenta (and also prevent haemorrhage which is an increased risk if you have a high intervention birth or induction). You can ask to be given this only if you do show signs of excessive blood loss or if you have had an induction, but for normal, healthy birth, haemorrhage rates are low. In a normal pregnancy and labour, there is no reason to hasten delivery of the placenta either. When you are given this injection, which is similar to what they use to induce labour with a drip (syntocinon) and make the uterus contract, it means that the cord needs to be cut straight away. Why is that undesirable? Because there are several studies now which show that where the cord is left unclamped until it has stopped pulsating (i.e. all the blood has gone from the placenta to the baby), there are less cases of babies with anaemia, blood transfusions and other blood conditions. The baby will get months of iron stores from this valuable blood supply and of course, all it’s precious cord blood and stem cells. If you cut the cord early or donate the cord blood, your baby doesn’t get to keep those super valuable cells – and it’s alot of blood volume for a baby. A physiological third stage is something you can ask for if you want the third stage to be completely natural.

Also, I’d like to forgo the bath at the hospital and just have the nurse do a wipedown.

Thanks for your help and your support in getting me through this!

My OB is leaving me

Ok, one of my worst fears is happening and even though I know everything will be fine, I’m really distraught.

I’ve not had the best luck with doctors since the one who diagnosed me with endo 10+ years ago. I found most don’t give you all the info about all your options, are annoyed when you do your own research, and have lacking bedside manners. So I’ve felt SO lucky to have a primary care physician AND gyno-turned-OB who are none of those. They respect me enough to let me choose the best course, but are competent and thorough so I often feel comfortable deferring to their opinions, and are so great at the bedside manner-thing that I’d love to be their friend! (Not exaggerating)

This was especially important for my gyno as I had just left my fertility clinic and at didn’t know where to go or what to do next. He made me feel comfortable immediately and even though he didn’t specialize in infertility, he completely understood the emotional aspects of it. That was huge for me!

And when we were fortunate enough to get pregnant, he agreed to follow the early pregnancy closely, acknowledging we were at a precarious place, and then once we passed the first trimester he again acknowledged what a huge feat that was. Talk about TLC at it’s finest! He has been a positive and supporting physician for the last 2 years and I’ve looked forward to the day that he got to meet our miracle (whether as the delivering physician or popping in to check on us, as is his practice of he doesn’t deliver) and now that won’t happen. He’s leaving my medical group in July.

The other thing that I’m dealing with is increased fear. I have felt better recently because he is so confident in this pregnancy. And I’m so confident in him. I trust him explicitly so knowing that if anything comes up, he’ll be straightforward and do all he can to help. Also, I trusted him to get me through labor and delivery. Yes, it’s likely he wouldn’t actually be there for the delivery, but even discussing our birth plan and options with him was something I really looked forward to. I have always trusted that he has mine and this baby’s best interest at heart.

Now I have to find a new doctor to replace him. How do I do that?

Mother’s Day


For those still waiting, hurting, or in disbelief (me!), you are at the forefront of my mind. You are the HARDEST working, the ones who have sacrificed the MOST, and have my utmost respect.

Please take care of you today. That’s all that any loving mother would want for you.

Mother’s day anxiety has arrived

So remember how I feel like an imposter lately? Well, it went away for a little bit, but it’s back.

I was texting with my sister and she said (excitedly) that this is technically my first Mother’s Day. And that scared the shit out of me! I mean, I tell pregnant women that all the time, but it’s ME. Am I really going to be a mother?

I can’t even let myself think like that because all of the years of heartbreak, fear, losses, and pain come rushing back. I mean, THAT has been my reality since March 2011. That is what I’ve known. I always hoped I would birth at least one child, but after so long you sort of just accept that likely will never happen. You get through so.much.pain by hoping your dream will come true, but ultimately accepting it might not be your fate.

So to actually embrace motherhood is scaring the ever living shit out of me right now. But how do I tell people that? How do I tell them that this mother’s day is the scariest one of all? I won’t. I’ll just put on my pretend happy face and hope I can be so convincing, I convince myself.

Infertility is not fit the faint of heart. And is not cured by pregnancy.

Thank you!

You are seriously the BEST, dear friends.


I cannot tell you what your support has meant to me the last 3 years. I think there have been so many more hard days than not and you all stood by me and cheered me on. You encouraged me to keep going and kept your faith when I lost mine. And when a miracle happened and we were blessed with this amazing little being growing inside of me, you continued to cheer me and Baby on. You continued sending prayers and positivity every time I worried. I couldn’t have continued on this journey without you all and please know I will forever be grateful.

Going public

Ok I’ve decided to do an announcement photo on Instagram and Facebook. And I think it’s going to be adorable. I’m mostly excited, but a little bit nervous. Spring brings lots of birthday parties and baby showers and I don’t want to keep hiding to fend off questions, so I’m coming out. I think hubby is ready also.

So, Saturday is the big day! I’ll be 15w1d and after my last OB appointment yesterday, I feel much better. Baby’s hb was 165, which is what I’ve been getting at home, so that  was a relief. And also my doctor’s reassurance was helpful. He has always acknowledged my fears and validated why I was feeling that way and basically yesterday said, ok enough is enough, in a very caring way of course.

So, no more hiding this beautiful miracle. We’re coming out!

2nd trimester and a giant belly

It’s so surreal.

And TERRIFYING because I’m planning on a baby being here in October. Since my “bump” is already ridic, I have to talk about being pregnant with EVERYONE I meet. I get excited and all caught up in my excitement, then terrified that I’ve jinxed myself.

But I’m doing a much better job of brushing that paralyzing fear off of my shoulder and embracing this pregnancy.

I still haven’t caught up on my Bumpdates yet, but I will. For now, here’s what I looked like on Monday of this week:


And here’s what I looked like after laying on my comfy hotel bed for 2 hours 2 days later:


Poor hubby is quite concerned about my body’s ability to carry to term when I arrived home last night and he saw how much I had grown since Monday (I look like this pic still). And I’m kind of wondering the same. Hopefully my doctor will reassure us some at my 14 week appointment on Monday.

You Are Not Alone

This might be a slightly different take on NIAW’s phrase for 2015, but for those of you feeling left behind in the trenches of infertility, please remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I think this was the most painful part of infertility for me.

I started blogging after a year of trying and a few clomid cycles and couldn’t believe my luck in finding such a great infertility blogging community, thanks to Izzy. I connected with several bloggers immediately and found a good number of infertility-besties. They were already IF veterans so they provided so much good advice and lessons as I started getting to a more desperate place in my journey.

And slowly, but surely, each one of them got pregnant and had babies, except for 3. My reader became so full of pregnancy updates and birth stories that I struggled with opening it. I put a filter on my email to have all blog posts sent to a separate folder because even my email was full of those posts.

And I took several breaks from blogging. I mean, all I could do was whine about trying and losses while everyone else (or so it seemed at the time) began their families. And that is what pushed me into a short depression. I refused to talk to most of my family, friends, and coworkers. I was angry, bitter, lost, and hopeless. Yes, they all had begun their journeys long before mine and had been in my exact place before, but nothing could console me.

I was left behind and all alone.

But I wasn’t really. I just didn’t know it.

It wasn’t until we decided to do IVF that I started looking for new bloggers to connect with. It was so hard to set out and find new blogs I could relate to and new bloggers who wanted to get to know me. It was like going to a new school in the middle of the school year and trying to make new friends. But I did it and I wish I had done it sooner.

I wish I hadn’t put myself through that extremely lonely period of time.

So now I’m here, telling any of you who feel left behind, that you aren’t. I can now say from experience that infertility doesn’t go away with that first positive pregnancy test, ultrasound or even feeling baby move. Because I’ve gone through it, I will always feel like an Infertile. Hell, I relate better to those of you still in the trenches than with any prego or momma!

And even if that doesn’t help, there’s still tons of infertile bloggers still writing away who would love more support and to give it. So mourn the fact that you’re still in the trenches and get out there and find them. It’s MUCH easier than making friends in a new school lol. I promise you the only thing you’ll regret is not doing it sooner.

Big, big hugs from one of your own!