In 2003 (age 22) I was rushed to the E.R. with terrible abdominal pain and after all of the testing, they found nothing. I went for a follow-up appt and that’s when my doctor told me about Endometriosis and that she suspected I had it. I agreed to a lap shortly after that and it was confirmed. Stage 3. I had endo growing all over the back of my uterus (the reason why sex always hurt!!!) and one of my ovaries. She showed me pics and damn! I was a hot mess in there!
Now for the really bad part. She left the endo growing on my ovary and didn’t check anywhere outside of my lady parts. She stated that she didn’t want to damage my ovary with the laser and wanted me to take Lupron and monthly shots of Provera to kill the endo by stopping my ovaries from functioning. I was young and DUMB and didn’t research any of this before my lap so I went through the course of treatments she suggested. After all of that I went on BCPs for the next 4 years.
That was when my ex-husband and I divorced and I went off BCPs because, well, I didn’t feel like I needed them. But something really bad happened. My period didn’t come for 6 months. The first 3 I just thought my body was getting used to not having the hormones and after that I was just too scared to see a doctor. I finally made an appt with a new OB/Gyn and literally bit the heads off of everyone I knew the morning of that appt. Apparently I was wound up and emotional because I was terrified. I saw a new Dr and as soon as I asked, “Will I be able to have kids?” I knew what the answer was. *
The Dr told me that my ovaries weren’t functioning and I should seek the help of a specialist when I decided to have children. She prescribed progesterone to start my cycle and told me to go back on BCPs so my endo doesn’t run rampant. Damn. First my worst fear was confirmed, then I’m told to take a medicine that will bring the horrible Witch and then start the annoying task of taking BCPs again?! What a bad day. So I went back to work and told them I needed a week off and drove down to Southern California to spend time with my sister and nephew (he’s my world!). Well, my period didn’t start so I started another round of progesterone and when it came, back on BCPs I went.
Now fast forward to a few years ago. I told Mr. Chuckles (new bf…super silly, goofy and all around funny guy) about this 2 or 3 months into our relationship. Since I knew TTC was going to be a bumpy road I didn’t think it was fair to get serious with a man I really cared about without telling him about the IF. Mr. Chuckles was an angel and said we’d cross that bridge if we got there, but that he cared about me and that wasn’t going to stop him from dating me.
So over the years I’d forget to take my pills here and there and would go off for a month or two and have a regular period. One time Mr. Chuckles noticed and alerted me to the fact that my cycle was regular (ummm how did I miss this?!?) so I purposely stayed off BCPs for about 3 months to test my body and lo and behold…I got regular periods!!! Which means I had hope that I would be able to conceive naturally. Hallelujah! Though I always had that gut feeling I wouldn’t, I just told myself that feeling was my need for drama or some other silly reason. I could never bring myself to accept that I was an Infertile.
The last several months I began distancing myself from every Fertile Myrtle in my life because, boy, do I have a ton! How am I supposed to share the gut-wrenching pain of infertility with all of my friends & family who had babies on “accident” (1 of them had 3 of those in the last 4 freakin years!) or on the first couple of tries?!? I couldn’t take hearing “I couldn’t IMAGINE being in YOUR situation” anymore. And the suggestions to “take a break,” “stop stressing,” “just relax,” and (the most HORRID of them all) to “just have passionate sex.” OH. EM. GEE. I know you fellow Infertiles are cringing and I don’t have to explain why those JUST MIGHT NOT WORK to you. That’s why I’m here! (Thank God for you ladies!!!)
I even began to distance myself from my fur babies, nephew and Hubster (surprise, surprise, Mr. Chuckles was a keeper). I just kept imagining I would get pregnant every month and wanted everyone to be prepared for the changes that come with a new baby. No more letting the dogs sleep with us and doting on them, no more buying my nephew every cute graphic tee or fun toy I saw and paid less attention to Hubster- I didn’t want them to resent our baby! My god what a fantasy world I live in sometimes!
Well I realized I was doing the distancing thing while shopping alone at Costco the other day and am proud to announce that dog-mommy/auntie/Wife Extraordinaire is back! I’m still not letting the fur-babies sleep on our bed right now, but boy are they getting pets and cuddles a lot more again! The nephew is getting emails and packages in the mail and the Hubster…well, he happily has all of the attention he desires (or as much as humanly possible). 😉
I am only just beginning to accept being an Infertile (about 5 years after finding out I am one lol!) and decided I needed to journal about my journey so I would never forget. It’s been cathartic but the loneliness has become overwhelming so I really need the support of other IFers out there. My friend, Izzy, has raved about the wonderful support this community provides so let’s see it!!! Please??? 😀
Thanks for reading!
*Even though it was several years ago and I’ve told that story hundreds of times, I cry every time I write about it. And my beautiful, sweet angel always comes to give me some licks for comfort. Fur babies are the best for times like these!