I’m freaking out and things are fine?!?

WTH has my life come to? lol! I’m doing ok taking things day-by-day and it freaks me the F out. Sucks.

My life is really great right now. I couldn’t imagine being any happier than I am right now, except (OF COURSE) with the arrival of a baby. Hell, I’d even take a BFP! I had a great weekend full of sexytime (thank you 50 Shades of Grey AND the idea of a MOVIE next year!!)Β as well as just quality time with Hubster and some quality time with one of my girl friends. I also officially opted out of the upcoming baby shower I was stressing out about and am totally over the guilt. Life was GREAT this weekend, so why couldn’t I handle eating next to two adorable babies with their wonderfully attentive and caring parents?

Because I am TERRIFIED that we won’t have kids. I know I haven’t been trying years and years and years. I also haven’t gotten to the IUI or IVF stage yet. But those treatments are looming in our near future. Every month, I get hopeful and have a plan and then it goes to shit. Like this month.The plan is to start on Clomid again, BD only when I get a second line (The sexytime has been inconsistent at best bc Hubster has been feeling the pressure 😦 ), finally start using soft cups to keep the swimmers as close to their destination as I can get them and keep working out and eating well. I was so prepared and now I feel like everything is falling apart again.

We’re not technically out yet, but I’m losing hope. Β Since I have been ovulating super early after stopping Clomid and I didn’t start it up again this month until CD 5, I decided to start POAS on CD 8 just in case I ovulate early again. Ugh. My great idea ended up not being so great. I got a dark line, but it was a little bit lighter than the control line. I told Hubster I’m not sure whether I would be ovulating soon or not, but miraculously Hubster and I made the baby dance two days in a row, just in case. It was quite an accomplishment and I was so proud of Hubster, but now I worry that we wasted his mojo. With my questional OPK I feel like I’m flying blind! My temp took a slight drop and has been climbing, but if it drops again tomorrow, then I guess I just wait til my CD 12 U/S on Wednesday. I know I should just be patient, but I’m terrified that we will miss our real BD window. And no, I have no idea what’s going on with my CM. I’ve never checked it before this month and I honestly can’t tell what I’m looking at when I do check.

What do all of you think about this month? I’ll include a link to my chart, but I’m resigning myself to the fact that I just have to wait until my U/S to figure out what’s going on with my ovulation this month. Ugh. I hate that just when I feel like I have a handle and am becoming an IF vet, my body just doesn’t want to cooperate!

My Ovulation Chart

While I should be confident that this is our month, I’m completely terrified. I know the disappointment is just getting more devastating every month and it will be worse the further we go with treatments so I really really want this to be our month.

I do have to say I am really enjoying the newest BFPs and weekly Bumpdates!!!! Β You ladies give me hope and remind me of the reason I go through all of this month after month after month. πŸ™‚

Also, since I finished Fifty Shades of Grey and I’m almost done with the newest True Blood book, I need some book recommendations for the next couple of weeks. Any ideas? Otherwise I’m afraid I might start reading the trilogy again!

11 thoughts on “I’m freaking out and things are fine?!?

  1. Some books: Hunger Games (I loved it and it’s a fast read or listen!); anything by Edwidge Danticat (Haitian American writer who creates beautiful stories … her memoir Brother I’m Dying is fabulous, too); Jhumpa Lahiri rocks, too; Kitchen Confidential (if you like sassy food writers); The Uncoupling (Magical realism with some fun love stories involved); The Patron Saints of Liars (Anne Patchett’s first novel, and really good right now for where you are in life — ok, that’s what I thought when I read it). I have more. I’m an avid reader and an English teacher. And yes, I have a kindle! As for losing hope, try not too, but I’m a firm believer in getting down and then moving on. I often times felt like I had to look at the bright side too often, and focus on the “everything happens for a reason” BS. But that just made things worse. So, cry it out. Mope. Sulk. And then focus on all those things you love about life and you’ll feel a bit better. Infertility sucks. It’s inconsistent. Everything you’re feeling is normal, but it all still sucks. Just know that you’re not alone.

    • Ooooh these sound like interesting reads thanks! And I read the whole Hunger Games series in like one weekend! πŸ˜‰ Also, thanks for the pep talk. I appreciate it and it helps to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. Its kind of scary how close together my gloomy moments seem to follow one another…

  2. I feel the same ways sometimes. I worry that it will never happen for us too. A suggestion vis a vis the OPK – you might want to check out the digitals on Amazon. I use the digitals and then there is no confusion over lines or not. I have to admit I don’t temp and while I check CM I don’t feel like I know enough about it to use it as a sign (plus the Clomid kinda dries it up a bit). Also use the Soft cups…I’m KMFX for you!

  3. Im sorry you’re down, its such a roller coaster. Definitely have fifty shades darker ready to go, the first book leaves you hanging and crying and you’ll want to be able to start the next one right away. I read the second book in 3 days. Plus they’re a good distraction. Hang in there hun, your chart makes it look like you ovulated on day 9 or 10, hopefully your temps stay up.and the ultrasound confirms it so you can stop second guessing. OPK literally never gave me an reassurance, my chart was the best info I had. Hoping for your miracle this month… love you!!!

    • omg i’m done with 50 shades!! finsished it last week lol. i could NOT put them down and boy the 2nd one was soooo good! thanks! i’m really hoping there’s an empty sac in there tomorrow. πŸ˜‰

  4. What kind of books are you into? I’m a huge reader so I can definitely make some recommendations if you tell me what you’re into πŸ™‚ I wish I could help with the chart but I am terrible at reading those….however, my fingers are ALWAYS crossed for you lady!!

  5. What are these soft cups you speak of? Are they like the period cups that some women use in place of tampons? I never thought about this for after BDing, but it’s a brilliant idea. I tend to assume really ridiculous poses in bed while trying to hold it all in πŸ™‚ As for books: Game of Thrones is supposed to be AMAZING. I may start on that this weekend. Hang in there with all of the IF shit 😦 It sucks, no doubt.

  6. I so understand this sentiment! We’re so used to things blowing up left and right when it’s calm our first reaction is….”what?!” Enjoy it as much as you can. You deserve it! Best of luck to you!

    • haha thanks!! Yesterday was definitely a little mor calm and today I’m back to freaking out. Hopefully I’ll get some reassurance at my CD12 U/S later this afternoon.

  7. I always find it so hard to judge OPKs when I’m on my FETs… I never know whether they’re really “equal” or what they mean when they seem equal for days on end. OPKs certainly don’t add anything to our want to be in control of what it going on while TTC and really know what our bodies are doing. FXd for you this cycle… hope answers come soon xoxo

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