WTH has my life come to? lol! I’m doing ok taking things day-by-day and it freaks me the F out. Sucks.
My life is really great right now. I couldn’t imagine being any happier than I am right now, except (OF COURSE) with the arrival of a baby. Hell, I’d even take a BFP! I had a great weekend full of sexytime (thank you 50 Shades of Grey AND the idea of a MOVIE next year!!) as well as just quality time with Hubster and some quality time with one of my girl friends. I also officially opted out of the upcoming baby shower I was stressing out about and am totally over the guilt. Life was GREAT this weekend, so why couldn’t I handle eating next to two adorable babies with their wonderfully attentive and caring parents?
Because I am TERRIFIED that we won’t have kids. I know I haven’t been trying years and years and years. I also haven’t gotten to the IUI or IVF stage yet. But those treatments are looming in our near future. Every month, I get hopeful and have a plan and then it goes to shit. Like this month.The plan is to start on Clomid again, BD only when I get a second line (The sexytime has been inconsistent at best bc Hubster has been feeling the pressure 😦 ), finally start using soft cups to keep the swimmers as close to their destination as I can get them and keep working out and eating well. I was so prepared and now I feel like everything is falling apart again.
We’re not technically out yet, but I’m losing hope. Since I have been ovulating super early after stopping Clomid and I didn’t start it up again this month until CD 5, I decided to start POAS on CD 8 just in case I ovulate early again. Ugh. My great idea ended up not being so great. I got a dark line, but it was a little bit lighter than the control line. I told Hubster I’m not sure whether I would be ovulating soon or not, but miraculously Hubster and I made the baby dance two days in a row, just in case. It was quite an accomplishment and I was so proud of Hubster, but now I worry that we wasted his mojo. With my questional OPK I feel like I’m flying blind! My temp took a slight drop and has been climbing, but if it drops again tomorrow, then I guess I just wait til my CD 12 U/S on Wednesday. I know I should just be patient, but I’m terrified that we will miss our real BD window. And no, I have no idea what’s going on with my CM. I’ve never checked it before this month and I honestly can’t tell what I’m looking at when I do check.
What do all of you think about this month? I’ll include a link to my chart, but I’m resigning myself to the fact that I just have to wait until my U/S to figure out what’s going on with my ovulation this month. Ugh. I hate that just when I feel like I have a handle and am becoming an IF vet, my body just doesn’t want to cooperate!
My Ovulation Chart
While I should be confident that this is our month, I’m completely terrified. I know the disappointment is just getting more devastating every month and it will be worse the further we go with treatments so I really really want this to be our month.
I do have to say I am really enjoying the newest BFPs and weekly Bumpdates!!!! You ladies give me hope and remind me of the reason I go through all of this month after month after month. 🙂
Also, since I finished Fifty Shades of Grey and I’m almost done with the newest True Blood book, I need some book recommendations for the next couple of weeks. Any ideas? Otherwise I’m afraid I might start reading the trilogy again!