BFPs, irrational fears, appreciation and 2WWs

I just have to say how happy I am for every one of you pregnant ladies!  You give me hope and that hope makes me less pissy about all of the hoops I have to jump through, stress Hubster and I (and our relationship) are under, raging hormones coursing through my body month after month and the underlying fear Hubster and I have.  You have been through all of it and more and are coming out on top!  I just cried when I saw a beautiful ultrasound pic this morning because I can only imagine the joy she feels seeing that beautiful teeny baby after so many years and treatments.  Keep posting those pics!! 🙂

Now onto my irrational fears…where do I start?!?  I really wanted to talk about my fear of miscarriage.  I am not talking about myself (but oh boy will I be TERRIFIED when I finally get my BFP!), but I’m talking about all of you pregos.  I am so scared that someone will miscarry.  Every time a prego posts about a cramp or spotting, my heart stops.  And for those of you have gone through the pain of miscarrying, my heart breaks for you.  Heck my coworker called in sick yesterday and I worried all day long that something happened to his wife’s pregnancy. I’m sorry, but I cannot comment on those posts because I am terrified/heartbroken and the last thing anyone needs is to hear about MY fears/sadness.  So just know that I’m not only there for the good times, but I’m trying to protect you from me. 😉

You ladies have become so important to me.  I feel bad for not having the knowledge to give advice or answers, but thank you for all that you have provided.  I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful community of support and shared experiences.  Even though our meds and treatments may vary, we share this crazy journey.  We understand the stress, heartache of BFNs, CRAZIES, lonliness and alienation we feel among people IRL and the fears that come with BFPs. So I am appreciative of this wonderful community.

I also feel so lucky to have my husband holding my hand through this process. He is not a romantic guy on normal, average days, but he makes me feel loved and safe. I have always had daddy-abandonment issues and they have completely disappeared. This man, who really was born to be a daddy, loves me and will be happy no matter where our journey takes us because I will be with him.  Whoa.  He doesn’t deal with my clomid-induced rage or crying well, but he tries to make it up to me later.  We will make it through amything and I know in my heart he will never leave me.  I appreciate him more than words can express.

I am also appreciative of Infertility.  Weird thing to say, I know.  But it’s true.  Since going through THIS during our first year of marriage and coming out on top, I am not scared of what children will do to our relationship, I am not terrified my husband will leave me, I have you all in my life – bright, resourceful, strong and beautiful women, I now embrace my strenth rather than cursing it (because I used to blame being a strong person for putting me in this “mess”) and I am becoming more outspoken not afraid ask for more from doctors.

So this 2ww has been the MOST chill ever.  I deep-down hope that it’s because I’ll get my first BFP this month, but I’m enjoying not stressing out and overthinking every little thing.  I’m glad I chose not to temp or symptom-spot because it’s so freeing.  Even though I’m wondering about my cramping and O-like pains today at 7DPO, I’m not letting myself focus on it. I even forget what DPO or CD I’m on.  I have to sit and think about it or count on a calendar!  How am I doing that you ask? 

Well I’m actually keeping busy.  Last night I went for an 8-mile bike ride with Hubster and the night before I went on a 5-mile walk with my aunt and cousin.  I am rereading the Shades of Grey trilogy (on book 3) and since my friend is reading it, I talk about it when I’m not reading it.  That friend is also going through some rough times so I’m more focused on helping her through those.  I’m also planning projects around the house and giving our furbabies a lot more attention. I really, really hope this is our month but I think I will be okay if it’s not.  I’m clinging to the hope that it will happen for us.

Crossing my fingers for all of you too!

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2 thoughts on “BFPs, irrational fears, appreciation and 2WWs

  1. I am so happy to see you in such a good place during this 2ww! I think keeping busy really is key, I’m on book 2 of my reread. Ridiculous how much I love this story.

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