Hello blog world, I am Hubster and I am filling in for StorkChaser (SC) today. I guess I will just cut right to it. On Friday, we got the Big Fat Negative (BFN) and Aunt Flo (AF) arrived later that evening. For the first time since we have started Trying to Conceive (TTC), I did not take the BFN/AF very well. Don’t get me wrong, I am always disappointed, but I haven’t felt the room spinning, break something, shakes-fist-at-sky, tear filled disappointment that SC has felt until this weekend. I guess that’s why I am posting.
Before I get into it, let me tell you a little about myself. Unlike SC, whose Infertility (IF) journey started years ago, mine started much more recently. Although SC told me about her history shortly after we started seeing each other, I never really thought a whole lot about it. I figured that even though she got the devastating news that there was a chance she may never be able to have kids after AF went missing after she completed her endo treatments, AF had since returned and had been back for awhile when we started dating. I knew there was a chance that SC and I may not be able to conceive without intervention, but as a predominant optimist, I always just assumed it would work out.
A little more history — when I was a younger man, my ex-girlfriend and I had an accidental pregnancy. We were young and not in the financial position or maturity level necessary to see it through. We ended up terminating the pregnancy. It is something I will always think about, but I do not regret. I most certainly would not be married to the wonderful SC if anything back then went differently, which is the main reason why I don’t regret it. Before I started my own IF journey, I would sometimes wonder if I missed my shot at fatherhood with the decision we made back then, but it was always a fleeting thought. It’s still not something that I believe is true now, but for some reason, it seems important to mention.
So, when do I consider my IF journey to have started? I would say when we officially began Trying to Conceive (TTC.) Up until this month, the fact that we have only been TTC for a little over a year was something that helped me move past every BFN/AF. I would always tell myself that we hadn’t been trying very long, and considering the timing and odds of conception for even fertile people, we were doing just fine. Each month it got progressively harder, but it helped that each month I thought of some reason to not to feel hopeless or crushed. When we had our first visit to the doctor for IF, everything he told us was positive. He didn’t see any reason for us to be worried and advised that we keep trying naturally. When that didn’t work and we started clomid, it seemed like I could reason away my disappointment with the fact that something went wrong with the timing that month (I was too sick to do anything during the window, or I was still figuring out how to not psych myself out of the bedroom on those critical days.) When it was time to take a break from clomid, we got SC to ovulate naturally after adopting the PCOS diet and starting up acupuncture, I could block out the disappointment of the BFN/AF on that positive note. When we started visiting our new doctor, we got better than expected news and his optimism really helped out that month. Compared to SC, my IF journey was a figurative walk in the park.
But then this month came. We started a new round of clomid and the side effects didn’t seem to be as bad as last time. So far, so good. Then we went for the mid-cycle ultra sound. The doctor was thrilled at what he saw – lots of follicles and one great big one that was ready to pop! He said everything looked so good, he wanted us to trigger that night.
Trigger? Wait a second, that is something new. During our previous rounds of clomid we were relying on Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK) to time our baby making. We were doing it all wrong! If we had just triggered, we would have been able to time everything perfectly. Duh, no wonder this wasn’t working! All this new information brought on a wave of hope the likes we I had never rode before.
I gave the injections like a pro and I actually did a good job managing the pressure of baby making and had no bedroom problems for most our window. A quick aside – I know SC never writes about it, but starting around 7-8 months of TTC, the pressure of baby making has led to my fair share of bedroom failures. Sso during the window, we really celebrate my bedroom successes. The work I did in the bedroom was just more good news, which meant more hope.
Coincidently, the tail end of our window fell within our visit with our new perfect little nephew. My brother and his wife just delivered their son and hey, we had just finished up making our little bundle of joy. I was feeling pretty good. I held my nephew and for the first time, I was holding a little person that kind of looked just like me. I was going to be a daddy soon, I knew it.
A few negative feelings managed to creep in during our visit. What if this was the closest I was going to get to holding a little version of myself? My IF aunt and uncle were there too — It never worked out for them. I overheard SC talking with my aunt about her experience. Would we be the same? No, Hubster, hop back on the wave of positivity! This is going to be the month.
After our window closed, I went to get my swimmers re-checked. Good news, I have B+ sperm! Not the head of the class, but ahead of the curve. Fantastic, this is totally going to have to happen, especially since we are using the soft cups this month to hold my army of B+ students hostage in the classroom. Look who is back on the positivity wagon!
During the Two Week Wait (TWW), I was doing a great job spotting symptoms. SC’s tired all the time, boobs are going bananas, all sorts of stuff. Towards the end of the TWW, I am having almost nightly dreams of the Big Fat Positing (BFP.) THE EXPECTATIONS ARE GROWNG! In retrospect, I also did a great job blocking out the not so promising symptoms, but that’s another story.
One day before we can take the test! The new tests that SC ordered online weren’t going to arrive on time, so I went out at midnight to get some tests with the pink dye (less chance of a false positive, SC tells me.) I can’t sleep. In the morning we are going to get some pee on the stick and make some colors appear. OH BOY (or hopefully girl!)
The sun is up and SC is rolling out of bed to stick pee. I pretend to sleep because all of sudden, I’m terrified that the second pink line isn’t going to be there. I hear the pee trickling down. And that’s all I hear. SC comes back to bed and I already know.
BFN. BFN!? It was too much. We laid in bed and held on to each other and I dropped my first set of IF tears. My born to be a mom wife kept her emotions in check for a second to comfort me, which made it all worse. So this is what she has been feeling? Or at least just a fraction of it? It hurt, and I felt like a little bit of jerk for not totally getting it until just now.
We had our moment, but we had family on the way to stay with us over the weekend, so we had chores to do. SC went for a mind-clearing run and I went outside to mow the lawn. While I mowed the lawn, I had all sorts of emotions. I don’t know how many times I stopped with the mower in the middle of the lawn to stare at the sky. Man, those were some strong feelings, and I am not a very feely guy. This sucks.
Like I said, I am pretty sure whatever I am feeling is just a fraction of what all of you ladies and SC feel every month. I hate that people have to go through this. I hate how my awesome wife, the most extroverted person and most textbook example of a social butterfly I have ever known, becomes so introverted and has to pass on so many social events now. I hate how our house, which used to be filled with laughter and fun, is heavy and quiet so often now. It just doesn’t seem fair. This is all feeling so real now.
So there it is. Another part of our IF story in the books, and for the first time, I feel like one of the characters.
BUT. This is the month! It’s going to happen. I have a friend that was able to get the BFP almost right away. His secret? Wear one black sock into bed. Of course, that’s just a joke, but I have my best black sock clean and ready to go this month. I have to try everything! This is going to be it!!!!
In all seriousness, I know this is going to be rough journey. I don’t know what else to do except be positive. I will do whatever I can to help SC make it through this, because she is always there for me. I feel like I can do a better job supporting her now that I have crossed this line and felt these feelings. Or, at least I hope so. I know there is a positive somewhere in this jumble of emotions!
I guess that’s my post. I feel a little better, I think. Oh, and about the spelled out acronyms – that’s for all you new readers or guys out there that need help with them. I have to ask more often than not what all these acronyms mean, so hopefully I saved at least one person some breath.
Before I post this sucker up, I want to say thank you ladies for sharing your stories with my wife and coming here to read hers and provide support. It helps and I’m glad that the internets is being used for good, making this type of support so easy to access. I hear your stories from SC every day and I am sending out positive thoughts to all of you and your partners – This is the month! 🙂