The tears broke through

This past week has been odd. I have been detached from babymaking and all things IF. All I do is read and watch tv. I’m not kidding. In the last two weeks I have read 5 books and am about 20% done with another one. Obviously something is going on here. Well I realized yesterday that I was just numb. I just couldn’t think about it because it’s getting so much harder every month. And the closer we get to IUI, the more anxious I become. Granted, I have been the one pushing IUIs because this whole “timed intercourse” thing hasn’t really been working out, but I’m also nervous about getting my hopes up and it not happening. I have also been contemplating skipping the whole thing and saving for IVF. I know it’s not realistic, but I don’t know how much more disappointment my heart can take.

I knew I was ignoring IF, but didn’t realize why until the tears started flowing. The Stork Whisperer posted about an IF playlist she is working on and that led to heartache and tears. I’m grateful though because now I get to feel again. And now that I’m aware of my anxiety, fear and stress I need to just embrace it and use my tools to give myself an outlet. Blogging, running, yoga and quality time with my furbabies always help me deal with my feelings. I tend to ignore my anxiety and stress and it explodes out of me or I become depressed, so I have been working on recognizing the signs and dealing with my feelings rather than ignoring them. 

But now that I’m acknowledging the negative feelings I’m sad to being a “downer” again. It’s hard because I’ not that happy, carefree person I used to be. I am not bubbly and exciteable like I’ve always been. I feel like I’m back to not having anything to talk to people about and don’t want to depress people with y problems. I spent a great weekend with some of my best girlfriends and I’m completely exhausted. This is why I started isolating myself! It’s exhausting caring about trivial problems my friends may have and trying to think of things to talk about. I have no desire to hang out with people again and am sad to know I’ll be going back to work as that introverted person my coworkers worry about.

Sigh. I just want to fast forward the next 5 years and have 3 kids and a “normal” life. Not one consumed with IF and my debilitating fears of never having kids. Sigh…

10 thoughts on “The tears broke through

  1. I’ve been feeling the same as well. I miss me…so nice to know that someone else feels the same way. I’m not convinced about IUI, the stats are terrible… it just false hope. I’m thinking of asking to skip to the next part.

  2. “I just want to fast forward the next 5 years and have 3 kids and a “normal” life. Not one consumed with IF and my debilitating fears of never having kids.” I have said this same thing to Mr. Husband about 1,000 times since we lost Pip. I miss my life, too. I hope we can all find balance between battling IF and maintaining some sense of self. Until then, I send you a big Internet ((hug))! Also, any book recommendations? I’m always collecting suggestions to add to my list 🙂

  3. Whoa, heavy stuff here. I’m right there with you with the anxiety and wanting to fast forward through all of this. It feels awful, but I can’t even get excited for friends right now, friends experiencing great things. I like to think of it as a fertility fog. It’ll go away, but I don’t have idea when. I like to remind myself that it’s ok to be selfish. We’re all going through some seriously stressful stuff right now and we need to look inward to find the strength to just be ok. A big hug. You’re not alone.

  4. I so know exactly how you feel and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Sending you a big e-hug and hope you can find yourself again, and soon. xoxo

  5. I can relate well to this. This last year has been a social catastrophe for me. I can’t tell you the numbers of times I have gone out with a group to remain silent for most of the time. I just don’t feel like I have that much in common with people anymore.

  6. I’m so sorry hun, have you thought about going to a resolve support group? Or come down with the hubster and visit us for a weekend!. I found it so hard (and still do) to be around people who weren’t in my place and couldn’t relate. The isolation is no joke and its scary. I love you and am thinking about you. Email me if you wanna chat, we’re going camping Friday for 10 days… maybe you guys want to come up for a few days and play? Bring the pups!!

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