This past week has been odd. I have been detached from babymaking and all things IF. All I do is read and watch tv. I’m not kidding. In the last two weeks I have read 5 books and am about 20% done with another one. Obviously something is going on here. Well I realized yesterday that I was just numb. I just couldn’t think about it because it’s getting so much harder every month. And the closer we get to IUI, the more anxious I become. Granted, I have been the one pushing IUIs because this whole “timed intercourse” thing hasn’t really been working out, but I’m also nervous about getting my hopes up and it not happening. I have also been contemplating skipping the whole thing and saving for IVF. I know it’s not realistic, but I don’t know how much more disappointment my heart can take.
I knew I was ignoring IF, but didn’t realize why until the tears started flowing. The Stork Whisperer posted about an IF playlist she is working on and that led to heartache and tears. I’m grateful though because now I get to feel again. And now that I’m aware of my anxiety, fear and stress I need to just embrace it and use my tools to give myself an outlet. Blogging, running, yoga and quality time with my furbabies always help me deal with my feelings. I tend to ignore my anxiety and stress and it explodes out of me or I become depressed, so I have been working on recognizing the signs and dealing with my feelings rather than ignoring them.
But now that I’m acknowledging the negative feelings I’m sad to being a “downer” again. It’s hard because I’ not that happy, carefree person I used to be. I am not bubbly and exciteable like I’ve always been. I feel like I’m back to not having anything to talk to people about and don’t want to depress people with y problems. I spent a great weekend with some of my best girlfriends and I’m completely exhausted. This is why I started isolating myself! It’s exhausting caring about trivial problems my friends may have and trying to think of things to talk about. I have no desire to hang out with people again and am sad to know I’ll be going back to work as that introverted person my coworkers worry about.
Sigh. I just want to fast forward the next 5 years and have 3 kids and a “normal” life. Not one consumed with IF and my debilitating fears of never having kids. Sigh…