I have no interest in ANYTHING right now. Can you be depressed, but still laugh and enjoy chit-chatting with your husband and in-laws? If so then that’s what I am. All I want to do is lose myself in books, movies or sleep. I’m trying not to think about what dpo I am or experience any grief. So I am again not very good at being supportive of people having a rough time in their IF journey. I just can’t deal, I think. With any of it. I thought maybe I was starting to like the routine of doctor’s appointments, POAS in the middle and end of my cycle, temping, pills and injections. But I don’t. Heck I haven’t temped at all this cycle and I didn’t pee on one OPK. I think I am losing interest because I a losing hope.
I want a family so bad and I’m terrified that it’s not going to happen for us. I tell people that we’ll grieve and then be okay because we can buy our fantasy cars and travel the world instead of saving for college. But the truth is, we both will be devastated. It’s not just the idea of failure to procreate, but the idea of not bringing of mini-Hubster/Stork Chaser into this world. He is such an amazing person and this world needs more people like him. And I know that parenting is never easy, but we’re such a good and loving team that I welcome all of the frustrations and challenges children bring. But what if we never get to experience that?
I hate the unknown. I know life is full of surprises and those surprises make life interesting, but I HATE THE UNKNOWN.
Sorry to be such a downer…I hope my next post will e more positive. 🙂