I’m 6 days away from CD1 and boy it’s coming. The tell-tale signs are there and I’m sad. I’m dreading the heartbreak that comes with AF. I’m sad that all of you wonderful people have struggled/continue to struggle with infertility.
The profound grief that accompanies that first drop of blood is now so overwhelming all we can do is cling together and sob. We cry for each other’s disappointment and heartbreak, as well as our own. We cry for the dreams, hopes and wishes that are flushed down the toilet along with that first drop of blood. And now, most of all, we cry in fear that we will never have a baby of our own.
I know I’m supposed to stop stressing about making a baby, or even stop trying because that’s when SOME people conceive. I’m supposed to relax because when you’re stressed, you won’t conceive. But please tell me how that is remotely possibly when I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO GET PREGNANT? It’s not. I cannot relax knowing that my body doesn’t do what it’s made to do without medication. I cannot relax knowing the my precious husband may not father any children because of my body. I workout, read, spend quality time with my loved ones and give my love to my 3 dogs. I try not to think much about getting pregnant each month, but I will not forget.
I will not forget that no matter what, I want to be someone’s mom. I want to be the mother of Hubster’s children. I want to be called, “mom,” “momma,” or “mommy.” And I want Hubster to be called “dad,” “daddy,” or “papa.” This is what we so desperately want and no matter how much I try to redirect my thoughts and focus, I will never forget this gut-wrenching desire.
Whew. I feel better enough to stop crying and go to sleep. Goodnight and thanks for listening.
PS- Hugs to my friend who’s CD1 was today.