I’m sad

I’m 6 days away from CD1 and boy it’s coming. The tell-tale signs are there and I’m sad. I’m dreading the heartbreak that comes with AF. I’m sad that all of you wonderful people have struggled/continue to struggle with infertility. 

The profound grief that accompanies that first drop of blood is now so overwhelming all we can do is cling together and sob. We cry for each other’s disappointment and heartbreak, as well as our own. We cry for the dreams, hopes and wishes that are flushed down the toilet along with that first drop of blood. And now, most of all, we cry in fear that we will never have a baby of our own.

I know I’m supposed to stop stressing about making a baby, or even stop trying because that’s when SOME people conceive. I’m supposed to relax because when you’re stressed, you won’t conceive. But please tell me how that is remotely possibly when I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO GET PREGNANT? It’s not. I cannot relax knowing that my body doesn’t do what it’s made to do without medication. I cannot relax knowing the my precious husband may not father any children because of my body. I workout, read, spend quality time with my loved ones and give my love to my 3 dogs. I try not to think much about getting pregnant each month, but I will not forget.

I will not forget that no matter what, I want to be someone’s mom. I want to be the mother of Hubster’s children. I want to be called, “mom,” “momma,” or “mommy.” And I want Hubster to be called “dad,” “daddy,” or “papa.” This is what we so desperately want and no matter how much I try to redirect my thoughts and focus, I will never forget this gut-wrenching desire.

Whew. I feel better enough to stop crying and go to sleep. Goodnight and thanks for listening.

PS- Hugs to my friend who’s CD1 was today. 

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18 thoughts on “I’m sad

  1. (big fat hugs) I know these feelings so well and I know there are no words to make it better. Just know I am thinking of you and still praying for your miracle xxx

  2. When I first got my period at 12, I was so excited! I had this 90210 calendar and I would look forward to marking off the days it came. That got old pretty quickly though. By college, when my period stopped coming, rather than be concerned (as my now 30-something self would be) I was excited to not worry about pads, tampons, etc. Now every CD1 is just so depressing, especially with my longer cycles. Anyway, I’m sorry AF is on her way. I’m hoping that we all have our BFPs (soon!)

  3. Thank you for your post – you put everything I am feeling today into words. It’s CD1 for me after my first IUI…the heartbreak you wrote about it exactly how I am feeling. It’s so nice to know that there are people out there to cling on to when you think no one understands what you are going through. Thinking of you. (((((((((hugs)))))))))))

  4. Your period is 6 days away? Doesn’t that mean you’re a little more than halfway through the TWW? As much as I hate to be an enabler of the hope cycle, which is so frustrating and devastating every month that ends in blood, I find myself saying… don’t give up quite yet. Not that giving up hope or having hope makes it any more likely that you will be / are pregnant, but it can make the amount of time you allow yourself to be depressed longer and more miserable. 😦

  5. I don’t know if those hugs were meant for me or not, but I am certainly feeling them regardless. CD1 sucks. Try not to count yourself out yet. You still have 6 more days which means anything can happen! If you’re going to be sad any way if your period comes, why not let your hope fuel you for a few more days? Getting your period is the worst. I don’t cry when I get a negative pregnancy test because there is a small part of me that believes it could be wrong. But as soon as I see that first drop of blood then I completely lose it because that’s how I know it’s over. I hope you know that I am thinking of you and if you can’t do it, then I will be hoping for you 🙂

    • Yes, the hugs were for you. 🙂 And that is EXACTLY how it if for me too. People talk about being sad and depressed every time they get their BFN, but not me. I just think about the next mornings test. Until AF comes.

  6. It is funny how much hope can mess with us all. And then you get your period and you think … ok, I was just being dumb for hoping. I’m right there with you wondering why I can’t get pregnant. So many other women in my life are pregnant right now and all did it with ease. I remind myself that motherhood comes in many forms, and while the traditional one might not work for me, that’s ok. You’ll be a mother; we all will. A big hug.

  7. The TWW is such a rollercoast, as is most of this process. You want to have hope, but if you add extra hope into something that you are already really dying to have in the first place then you think you will have more to lose if it doesnt actually come to fruition. Atleast thats what my brain tells me when Im working through my tww. The truth is that this is just plain difficult – period, whether i pretend to not have hope or if I have it. I know the feeling of seeing those droplets of blood and that incredible let down. I am going to keep hoping that this month is different for you, that this is your month to be suprised. Hugs and love to you and hubster.

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