Whoa! Why did I think any part of this journey would be straightforward and simple?!?

We’re obviously getting more and more anxious as time goes on. We’ve only been seriously trying for almost a year but not protecting and pre-trying (I started temping and checking my CM as soon as I went off BC so we would know exactly when my fertile period was when it came time to really try & I was hoping I would end up pregnant without really trying) for 15 months. We know a lot of people struggle much longer and we just can’t fathom how that’s possible. We know if I’m not pregnant this month, we’ll be hitting a new turning point and this shit’s about to get very real.

I have been trying to remain hopeful, but I also guarded my heart against getting my hopes too high. Yesterday I decided to POAS just because it was Father’s Day and if by some miracle I got a BFP, that would be so awesome and perfect for Hubster. Lo and behold, I got a BFP!!! I decided to add it to his gift from the dogs and presented him with this:

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He stared down at his present for a few mins and then looked at me questioningly. My dear Hubster then told me he was scared to look at it. He did and it was a very faint line so he didn’t want to talk about it. he was so scared it wasn’t real. I understood. I mean, look at how faint it was:

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(shot with my cellphone camera)

Even though I was scared it wasn’t real, there was no denying there was a line. So I was a little disappointed, I have to admit. We pretty much ignored the HPT all day. Then at lunch I took another one and it was about the same, just a teeny bit lighter. That wasn’t much reassurance. So I just kept thinking about waiting for today. I tested this morning and BFN. I thought I saw a line, but Hubster didn’t so I figured I was imagining things. 

OMG!!!!  Like I really needed this!  Hubster and I shed some tears this morning and off to work we went. All I could think about today was testing and whether or not I’m pregnant. All I wanted was to write this post. I needed to blog y little heart out, but work was busy and I couldn’t steal little pieces of time to write. Plus I didn’t want to cry at my desk. I was going to blog at lunch but I got some very stern advice my from some really good friends to have a blood test done. So I called the doctor at lunch and instead of getting a lecture about testing at 11 & 12DPO, I immediately received the order to have the blood test done (I go to a fertility clinic, but my RE is also affiliated with my hospital which means a lot of routine procedures like lab and imaging are free) at my hospital’s lab. So I read a little of Delirium while I waited for Hubster to get back from his lunch (spent going to get new parts to fix our broken air conditioner) since we carpool and then off to the lab I went. I was back 45 mins later and freaking out. The moment of truth will be here tomorrow. 

It’s so weird how it feels like our entire future is dependent up this one cycle. I don’t know why. I feel like this has to be it or we are just going to die. Like it doesn’t feel possible to continue on like this. Does that make sense? And now that Hubster is along for the ride in terms of pain and grief, I want it even more and can’t stand to watch him suffer even more than he has. It’s so weird. I have had a difficult life with many obstacles. I have also been blessed. So when i say that I’ve never before felt like I’ve hit rock bottom, please don’t think I mean that lightly. I have had to fight for everything I have. My mom was a article patent and I had no contact with my dad between the ages of 3-19 and he stopped talking to me at 25. I haven’t heard from him in 6 years now. My parents make well over 100k per year and I had to put myself through school because that’s what my mom did. But they helped my sister because she got knocked up while she was UN college. Those are just a couple of examples of what I mean. But in all sincerity, as strong of a woman as I am, I just don’t think I can take any more. I have never had the urge to cry out to God for help as much as I did today driving to and from the lab. I was almost hysterical.

I took two Dollar Tree tests this evening and sure enough, a faint line on both. So faint. Sigh. I don’t know if it’ residual trigger left in system, but we are both trying hard to not get our hopes up. We want more than anything for me to be pregnant right now, but we’re prepping for a BFN from the doctor’s office tomorrow morning. I’m even too scared to answer and I’m sure I’ll just let it go to VM.

As far as possible symptoms go I have light nausea in the evenings, extremely thirsty (I thought it was just the heat yesterday, but today my thirst was unquenchable and it was about 10 degrees cooler), light headed and a headache today, boobs are crazy heavy when I take my bra off and weird pains and feelings in my abdomen. All of the above I have felt at some point during a 2ww on Clomid. GO FIGURE!

On top of my anxiety today, my little sister threw a huge fit about me not helping enough with her wedding.  Since they got engaged I have been suggesting things, giving advice, looking for ideas for things and sharing my opinion about EVERYTHING and somehow I’m not helping enough. She is a spoiled brat (oh and she’s 30) and it’s getting pretty bad. I’m going to confront her in an email tomorrow because she’s a terrible communicator and won’t listen to anyone. Hopefully she can actually try to understand and we can start on the road to healing our relationship. I’ll explain more about her later because I’m too tired right now.

So I’m a little stressed. Even if I receive a BFN tomorrow, I hope I’ll just be happy to know. This uncertainty is driving me nuts.

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12 thoughts on “Whoa! Why did I think any part of this journey would be straightforward and simple?!?

  1. I really really hope you get that BFP tomorrow, thinking of you all the time. Good luck

    About your sister, send her email, I am sitting my same thing with my sister (23 years old) – first I did not help because I was crying day and night because the doctor told me I cannot have a baby then I cannot help because I can think about nothing else than my miracle baby …. totally know what you going through. Good luck

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