That’s my number.

We’re sad and I have some feelings to work through, but they aren’t all bad. SHOCKER! Get ready for a dump…

I am so unbelievably sad. I feel such a sense of loss even though it wasn’t really much to begin with. But it was something. Remember how I was losing hope and about ready to give up? Well now I’m inspired and optimistic. I am grateful for at least this. I know it sounds disgusting and morbid, but i hoped that one day I, too, would at least have a chemical pregnancy. Because even though it’s heartbreaking to be so very close, yet so effing far away, we really did get close this time. And while I’m confessing, I’ll tell you that I’m honestly considering keeping all of my pee sticks with all of my old pill containers, injections bottles and syringes. No I don’t plan on keeping them forever, but I think I want to take pictures of all those items together to illustrate the journey. But I’m just thinking out loud…

Now Hubster and I are gearing up for AF and another cycle. We’ll eat healthy (yummy) meals, I’ll get my drink on at Nacho Nite on Friday, I have ice cream in the fridge and we’ll work on the calendar. But we’ll also be more disciplined about vitamins and getting enough sleep, I won’t skip a week (or more) of acupuncture anymore, I’ll drink my 8 glasses of water each day and I’ll be more committed to getting my body baby-ready, or working on a B.R.B., as Belle calls it. 😉 Oh and I’m distracting myself with an AMAZING new trilogy. I just finished Delirium and can’t wait to start Pandemonium. Think Hunger Games, but even better. In the meantime, however, I’m reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. EXCELLENT so far!

So that’s that and now I just want to dig into some ice cream.

Thanks for ALL of your wonderful support. I don’t think I would be this “okay” if it weren’t for you all!!!! xoxo

Now I have a very important question for you:

To IUI or not to IUI next month?

Hubster and I agreed to try two months of clomid+timed-intercourse+soft cups and then move on to IUI. Now with the unexpected outcome for this, do we change our original gameplan? I feel like another round of C+TI+SC for a total cost of $94 makes sense vs the cost of IUI. But I also want to stick to the plan and give it all we’ve got next month. Any suggestions???

And Hubster (since I know you’ll be reading this shortly), sorry for the false hope of a baby this month. I have learned my lesson and no getting excited til my beta reads at least 50!!! I have learned a very valuable lesson. 😉

22 thoughts on “2.4

  1. I’m so sorry, but I’m also so proud of you. You are being really strong and positive and I think those are critically important to getting pregnant. The so close but so far shit sucks ass but you’re seeing the bright side (if there is one) to it all and I love love love you for doing that. Your future baby deserves that and you’re a good mommy already giving him/her that. Hang in there, let yourself be sad and break down if you want but keep up the good work. Next month is going to be your month, your body was just getting warmed up this month!! 😉

  2. Stephanie!!! Things have been so crazy today that I haven’t had time to check in on my blogs and I missed so much!! My heart breaks for your darlin, but I am so glad to hear positivity shining through the bad news. The good news is that you DID get pregnant, which means that you can definitely do it again. Consider it a trial run 🙂

    Also, I say keep anything and everything that you want. This is so weird, but I kept the vial that they put my husbands washed sperm in for our last IUI. I just liked that it said both of our names on it and it contained baby juice. Crazy, I know. But it felt important at the time.

    It’s a tough call on the IUI or not to IUI business. On one hand, I suppose an IUI would increase your chances and that is the plan. But, on the other hand, you did get pregnant this month so theoretically you should be able to do it again. Maybe one more month before moving to IUIs? That’s probably what I would do.

    I really, really hope that next month is your month. I’ll be thinking of you and you have my email if you need to talk. xoxo

    • thanks sweetie! that vial is gross, but i would do the same haha! so i think we’ll do TIC for one more month. i feel good about july! 😉 thanks for everything!!

  3. Get your ice cream on, darlin’. You deserve it. Hang in there. You’re being very brave.

    We did our IUI cycles all back to back and I don’t regret it. It helped us feel like we were doing something. It’s a really personal decision, though. I know some people really like to give their bodies a chance at “doing it” more naturally. Whatever you decide will be the right thing!

    • thanks. the ice cream and the bike ride immediately following did the trick. 😉 and thanks for the reassurance. i was just telling a friend how discombobulating all of this new found self-doubt has made me!

  4. Ice cream is good medicine. I’m so sorry you ended up with a chemical this cycle. 😦

    I agree with Lisa – whatever you decide will be right. If you decide to try TIC one more cycle, it’s only one more cycle if it doesn’t work and then you can move forward again. We actually got pregnant on our “let’s try TIC just one more time” cycle, putting off the IUI, because I was kind of freaked out about getting into “real” treatments (even though the drugs, shots, ultrasounds, etc, are all real treatments!) but we wanted to keep trying. On the other hand, if moving on to IUI feels like a more sure bet, then why wait? It’s really up to you but it will be the right decision either way. There is no bad move here.

  5. I am so sorry ((hugs)) Getting a BFN are hard getting false BFP are the worst. I remember last year chistmas time I got a false one and it took me forever to get over it. Be good to yourself and take your time xxx

  6. Well this just sucks but HUGE kudos to you for being so very positive! You are an inspiration to me and I am bookmarking this post to read the next time I have a BFN or am wallowing in my loss. Thank you for sharing your strength! As for how to proceed, it is 100% your call. If I were in your shoes, though, I think I would try one more round, but I’m sort of cheap 🙂

    • i’m glad this helped. i’ll have to bookmark it and read it again too, i’m sure. i’m already a little more sad this morning. and i’m cheap also, which is why i hesitate to forward with IUI. we’ll push it back one more month. 😉

  7. Ugh that sucks. You are so much more positive than I would be. I’d say, in regard to IUI or not IUI – go with your gut. (that’s probably not very helpful)

  8. I remember that I used to think I wanted a chemical too…just to have some proof that I could get pregnant. How naive we are at times. I’m so sorry this did not end up in your favor, but if it is any help I am SO impressed with your positivity. You can do this! As far as the IUI, go with your instincts.

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss 😦
    I’ve felt that way about having a chemical too. I’d think to myself that we’ve never even had a CP, so surely something’s wrong with us. Then I’d have to remind myself that nobody ever really wants to have a chemical…
    I’m truly sorry you’re going through this, but I’m inspired by your strength and positivity. I don’t think I could be as strong as you.

    • thanks so much. i need constant reassurance that what i’ve experienced is a loss. it is. i never really thought of it that way before. i’m glad i can inspire you guys….it ends up motivating me to find the positive when i start sinking. so thanks!

  10. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I grieved my chemical pregnancy in the exact same way. It is incredibly sad! Even if you were only pregnant briefly I imagine you still had a lot of hopes and dreams for that pregnancy. I hope that you will be able to let yourself grieve and know that your emotions are totally normal.
    I wish you all the best in the future. I hope that you are able to get pregnant again very soon.

    • thanks so much! for awhile i was doubting my right to grieve for this loss, but all of you wonderful bloggers have reassured me and it’s a relief to know i’m normal and not some look-at-me drama queen. thank you.

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