I’ve just had my first chemical pregnancy, but welcome ICLWers!!

From WebMD:

“A chemical pregnancy is a miscarriage, except that you can only diagnose it by a urine or blood test. The pregnancy miscarries too early to be seen on ultrasound. The cause of a chemical pregnancy (miscarriage) is the same as any other miscarriage: Over two-thirds of miscarriages happening early on (the first six to eight weeks) happen because of chromosome anomalies of the fetus. That’s something nobody really can change. It’s random, and it increases with the mother’s age.”

Sorry to welcome those of you who are new to my blog with such a sad topic. Unfortunately I just found out last night that my pregnancy (1st ever BFP) is already gone. I vowed to write an introductory post for my next ICLW week (this is my 3rd, I think) but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. So please feel free to check out my other pages on here to read my timeline and about Hubster and myself. And a big THANK YOU for stopping by. 🙂

After last night, I’m surprised at how I felt today. I must confess,  I’m more sad today. Last night I noticed my HPTs from yesterday morning were darker than the previous days so I went through some major denial. It’s still there so I’m going to take more tests tomorrow for the closure I guess I need. I never thought I would be hoping for a BFN, but I need that to move on. I do have my good moments though. For example, I scheduled acupuncture appts twice a week through July and it made me excited and hopeful about the next cycle. That only lasted about an hour though. 😉 I’ve gone through all of the stages of grief today but haven’t yet made my way to “acceptance.” I’m hoping that will come soon. I know the sadness will never go away, but I need to be able to accept what has happened and moved on.

I have to admit that I never thought I would experience such a profound sense of loss from such an early miscarriage. And even though Hubster and I are ecstatic that I was finally able to get pregnant, we are so sad that we’re not getting a baby out of the BFP. I finished my Infertility/Loss playlist today and it’s helping me to grieve. It’s a mix of sad songs and songs that remind me of the love Hubster and I share. All of those help me to cry when I need to get it out.

Here’s the list:

A Little Bit Stronger, Sara Evans
Hysteric (Acoustic), Yeah Yeah Yeahs (our wedding song)
I Belong to You, Muse
I’ll Stand By You, Glee Cast
Is there a Ghost, Band of Horses
Someday, Rob Thomas
The Funeral, BoH (again)
Fix You, Coldplay
Falling Slowly, Once Soundtrack (or Swell Season)
So Hard, Dixie Chicks
I Would Die For That, Kellie Coffey

And with that, I think I’ll go lay down and listen to my songs. I look forward to checking out all of the new blogs up on the list tomorrow! If you haven’t participated in IComLeavWe yet, please check it out!!! Very cool way to connect with some truly amazing and uber supportive bloggers. 🙂

15 thoughts on “I’ve just had my first chemical pregnancy, but welcome ICLWers!!

  1. I am so sorry storkchaser. Allowing yourself to grieve and listen to sad songs is a such healthy thing. In fact, I’m going to download some of those so thanks for posting them 🙂 But I’m also happy for you. A chemical is sad and hurts, but it’s a step in the right direction. I believe it’s our bodies way of gearing up to get it right. And some small sign of fertility is certainly better than no sign at all. You are on the right track. And plus, you have such a good attitude and it’s good you’re a blogger because people like me can draw strength from you while hopefully giving you some. Enjoy those songs. Can’t wait to get home and download them, too!

    • thanks for your kind words. i had no idea how i was supposed to grieve. learning how to cope with all of these new experiences have been challenging for me. and I’m glad I could help too. 🙂

  2. Oh, dear! I had no idea. Hugs to you! I know it isn’t much comfort, but getting any BFP is progress. I like the songs on your playlist, too. They seem very fitting for this. Again, sorry for your loss.

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss – my first IUI ended in the same fashion and it does indeed suck a whole lot. Grieving is very important and music is an amazing way to do it, grief is different for everyone, but I know in my case it seemed to come in sudden waves. That playlist is really good I’m gonna have to check the ones I’m not familiar with out. One I’d might recommend adding is a song called “I Cried for You” by Katie Melua, I had it on repeat for the week following my miscarriage. Some other good ones are “One Day You Will” by Lady Antebellum, & “Gone Too Soon” by Daughtry.

    • Thanks so much. I was confused about my sudden bouts of sadness today. I guess I have forgotten how grief works. And thanks for the recommendations! They are going on the list!

      • Oh shit. Gone Too Soon has me bawling at work lol!!!! It hits sooo close. I was doing fine until this one. Thanks for the recommendations.

        PS- I’m sorry for your loss too.

  4. I’m so sorry that you had a chemical pregnancy. Maybe thinking about the fact that you did in fact get pregnant will provide some hope and cheer you up? Maybe this is a good sign for the next cycle?

    (please note that I have yet to get pregnant so I haven’t experienced a loss- if I am giving the wrong advice I’m sorry.)

    • haha no need for the disclaimer. 🙂 It really IS a good sign and we’re really optimistic about the next cycle, even pushing back our 1st IUI to give the meds and TIC another try.

  5. I also had a chemical last month. Had positive test, then lines fading and by the time I had my beta it was down to 3.2…Let’s hope this cycle is OUR cycle!

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