My baseline did not go well.

This was the very first BFP, the very first miscarriage and the very first disappointing devastating baseline. Usually I’m cleared and have my Clomid & trigger Rx and I’m heading out the door within 20 mins. This time I was out the door in 20 mins with a lab slip in hand.

So it turns out the “remnants” are still snug in my uterus, which means A) we have to wait FOR A WHOLE NEW cycle to try and B) when a good embryo implants in there, I’m pretty sure it’ll be sticking around for a while.

But the having to wait sucks. We were both so pumped up and READY! Today was the first day the sadness wasn’t there and I was actually excited for this cycle.  And then beyond disappointed when he said we’ll have to wait until my next cycle. I was devastated. And while most of my family and my wonderful friends were so sweet and compassionate when I sent them all a mass text, my mom tried but failed. Miserably. She told me that maybe I need to spend a month not thinking about myself and our situation and help someone else. That will make me feel better maybe I’ll get pregnant! Wth. So I politely told her that wasn’t helping (see the story about my sister) and got off the phone with her. I planted some new flowers and I’ve been listening my IF/Loss playlist and am feeling better. I know I still have some grieving to do for this cycle since we really believed it was the cycle, but I’m going to try to remain positive.

I’m going to run a LOT, focus on the extra time I have to lose some weight, maintain my twice-weekly acupuncture schedule better and be excited that I can drink on our annual camping trip with three other couples! This is not the worst thing that could have happened and next month is a new month to be hopeful about. 

I really thank you all for being a part of our journey. It’s times like these that really make me so unbelievably grateful you’re here. My loved ones IRL just don’t get it and while some are getting better at supporting me, others just end up making things harder. It sucks having to justify why I’m not ready for a break and why this journey is so emotional and plain hard.

xoxoxo!!!

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23 thoughts on “My baseline did not go well.

  1. Ugh, I remember last September when I swore we had THE cycle and was sure we had an early miscarriage (which also inspired me to begin blogging)… my mom’s response to my grief was so terrible. She’s always been so supportive and understanding of me through all life’s stages but she sucked at helping me with infertility. I guess unless someone has been there, they have no way of understanding that we CAN’T just stop thinking about it, or take a cycle OFF. It’s impossible. No matter WHAT…. we’ll still be hoping for miraculous conception. No way around it. I love you and hope you got into that bottle of wine we talked about. xoxo

  2. Oh hun… I’m so sorry to hear that you have to wait an extra cycle 😦 it broke my heart when we were told we needed to wait… hope the extra month brings an extra chance of success xoxo

  3. Ahhh. I am so sorry. That is so frustrating! This journey is so much of a lesson in patience. A never ending waiting game. ; (. Your cycle IS coming!!! You’ve got some great goals in the meantime! I look forward to reading about your progress!

  4. It is crappy that you have to wait, but I think all of your distraction techniques are really great ideas and will help you feel better too. Enjoy your camping trip!

  5. I’m sorry about all of what you are going through. I totally understand the frustration at having to wait….and the hope that every new cycle will be The One. But I love hearing your positive attitude in spite of all of this heartache, and that you have some goals to work on meanwhile 😉 Hold on, you will get there!! I hope soon!

  6. I am so sorry ((hugs)) Only another (in)fertile would know what it means when the doctor tells you you need to wait one more cycle … I have been there and I know how hard it is to pick up the pieces and get to the other side. Thinking of you xxx

  7. WTF with your mom! What a slick way to get a sister jab in there. So sorry you have to wait. There’s nothing wrong with focusing on you in the meantime. It sounds like you’re determined to enjoy the month off and that’s awesome!

  8. Waiting longer just sucks. I’m really sorry you got such bum news. I envy your camping trip! Mr. Husband and I have been wanting to break out our camping box for months now. Maybe after he finishes his dissertation. Have a smore for me!

  9. Ugh, I’m so sorry. Waiting is so hard. I hope it passes quickly for you and that camping trip gives you something to look forward to. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping the next cycle is a winner.

  10. Oh man, so sorry to hear 😦 However, I do agree that the next one will definitely be sticking around! On the bright side, it gives you one more month to get that body super baby ready!

  11. On the good side: a baby is going to happen and the next little embryo is going to stick inside like a champ! On the bad side: your mom is crazy. I don’t know her, but you don’t need that kind of crap. No one does. So, breathe it out, let it go, focus on yourself. You’re not being selfish. You’re being a woman struggling with infertility. HUGE difference. Monster-sized hug.

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