This was the very first BFP, the very first miscarriage and the very first
disappointing devastating baseline. Usually I’m cleared and have my Clomid & trigger Rx and I’m heading out the door within 20 mins. This time I was out the door in 20 mins with a lab slip in hand.
So it turns out the “remnants” are still snug in my uterus, which means A) we have to wait FOR A WHOLE NEW cycle to try and B) when a good embryo implants in there, I’m pretty sure it’ll be sticking around for a while.
But the having to wait sucks. We were both so pumped up and READY! Today was the first day the sadness wasn’t there and I was actually excited for this cycle. And then beyond disappointed when he said we’ll have to wait until my next cycle. I was devastated. And while most of my family and my wonderful friends were so sweet and compassionate when I sent them all a mass text, my mom tried but failed. Miserably. She told me that maybe I need to spend a month not thinking about myself and our situation and help someone else. That will make me feel better maybe I’ll get pregnant! Wth. So I politely told her that wasn’t helping (see the story about my sister) and got off the phone with her. I planted some new flowers and I’ve been listening my IF/Loss playlist and am feeling better. I know I still have some grieving to do for this cycle since we really believed it was the cycle, but I’m going to try to remain positive.
I’m going to run a LOT, focus on the extra time I have to lose some weight, maintain my twice-weekly acupuncture schedule better and be excited that I can drink on our annual camping trip with three other couples! This is not the worst thing that could have happened and next month is a new month to be hopeful about.
I really thank you all for being a part of our journey. It’s times like these that really make me so unbelievably grateful you’re here. My loved ones IRL just don’t get it and while some are getting better at supporting me, others just end up making things harder. It sucks having to justify why I’m not ready for a break and why this journey is so emotional and plain hard.