4DPO (possibly) and a chance to finally breathe

Hello Loves,

Boy have I missed you! Life has been so insanely crazy lately. After the excitement of the whole possible room remodel on TELEVISION, we have been going nonstop. This is our busy season at work (yes Hubster and I work for the same division in the same agency, but sit on different floors and do different jobs) so we’ve had long 9-9.5 hour days, worked a half day on the 4th and worked long days after the 4th – including a half day today. I’m pretty frustrated with the way things are run at work lately, so I will also be spending several hours each week looking for a new job. I am grateful to have a very stable job that pays a decent wage, but things are getting worse and I’ve held onto hope that things will turn around far longer than most of my coworkers. Since the State of California is facing such difficult economic times, I am one applicant out of hundreds for each position I apply for. That’s a daunting fact, but in dealing with infertility I find it very important for me to be as happy as I can at work. So I am being picky about the jobs I apply for and am hoping (very hard) that I can get back to my roots and help children/families. Cross your fingers something wonderful happens.

Also, I had a ladies’ night on Tuesday after work and watched Magic Mike with all of my favorite women. There were a couple from work and then a couple of different groups of friends to make a total of seven of us. Some had never met each other and they all got along so well. It was heartwarming to know that I have such amazing women surrounding me IRL. None of them have struggled with infertility or the loss of a pregnancy, but boy do they love me and always eagerly offer a listening ear. It was also very fun and exciting to watch awesome dancing and ripping off of clothing from buff good-looking on the big screen. And boy can some of them move!

Late at night Hubster’s brother, SIL and nephew moved to town. His nephew spent his 2-month birthday driving 10 hours to his new home and he did surprisingly well. It is so great having them about a mile away. I love my SIL to pieces and it will be nice having a sister around since mine is so far (and we have such a volatile relationship).

The 4th of July was a wonderful time with our families. My aunt lives in a pretty big house on the lake so we went out there after work. We spent some time swimming with my cousins and nephew and my sister and I just kind of acted like nothing happened. I hate doing that, but that’s what we do. The rest of my family came over and then Hubster’s family joined us. It was so nice having them together. They get along so well that it makes holidays so much easier! We ate burgers, fruit salad, sweet potato fries and lots of dessert and then we were off to watch fireworks. No, we didn’t go to watch the spectacular show at the port, we went to a farm to watch a private illegal fireworks show. It was pretty awesome. However, we didn’t end up getting back home until after 12:30am. This was a problem because A) the dogs must have been scared out of their minds because when we got home, all three came running out of theirs crates, instead of waiting by the front door like they normally do when they hear one of our cars pull up and B) WE HAD TO WORK THE NEXT MORNING AT 7:30.

Thursday we had dinner with my in-laws and spent some time at my BIL/SIL’s house after that. We didn’t get home until 10pm and had another long day to look forward to on Friday.

Friday we went to happy hour and then hit the club! My friend one a VIP Booth w/bottle service AND it was 90s night!!!  We were so excited to dance the the music we loved in junior high and high school. Plus we haven’t gone to a club and danced in almost a year so it was time. Even though I most likely ovulated on Tuesday, all I wanted to do was drink and let loose for a few hours! I had one drink at happy hour and three at the club and I have no guilt or regrets. I have sacrificed soooo much for maybe-babies for over a year and I won’t let myself feel bad about one night.

I had so much fun! I didn’t think about my body not working the way it’s supposed to without acupuncture and drugs, I stopped obsessing about whether it was my egg or Hubster’s swimmer that caused the pregnancy not to work out and the hurt and disappointment I still feel from my mom. I danced. I laughed. I ate fried food. And I HAD 4 DRINKS in one night. I had fun. And my friend and I have a new project. We are going to set up two of our coworkers. 🙂

I’m still reading my book about pregnancy loss and it is still helping me “come to terms” with what happened and why. Unfortunately I’ve hit the snag with Hubster so many of you have and feel alone in my IF/PL pain. He hasn’t said anything outright, but when I talk about it he usually says, “It’ll be alright,” “try not to worry/think about it too much, ” and the most surprising and saddening of all, “well I’m kind of hoping you don’t get pregnant this month because then we can do the fun summer things we enjoy.” But I know this is taking a toll on him emotionally and try to remind myself that he always looks for the positive in everything. For now, I’ll try to remind myself of that and if it becomes too hard, I’ll talk to him about it. (But since he reads my blog regularly, I guess now he knows lol! Don’t worry, honey, I’m not mad and I’m trying to understand. ;)) I also came across some really helpful information about how to cope with infertility on RESOLVE’s website from Facebook.

Here are all of the helpful articles I read this week:


The last is not because I’m thinking about seeking therapy, but because I needed to know if I wasn’t coping in a healthy way. I feel like things get really hard sometimes, but that it’s normal and I’m okay right now this community, acupuncture (and the added counseling sessions he sometimes provides!) and my quest for knowledge have helped deal in as healthy a manner as possible. My mom’s solution to our conflict was to ask that we seek counseling and I was slightly offended (even thought I mostly think it was because she has a hard time when she can’t help me and this is the only way she thinks she can) because I honestly thought we weren’t there yet. After reading the article about when to seek help, I know we are still not there yet. But I know that if things don’t start looking up, we will make room in our busy schedules and uber-tight budget to do that.

On a lighter note, I participated in Cristy’s fertility sock exchange last week. It was fun searching for just the right socks that I hoped would make my sisters-in-infertility smile the next time they drop trou and put their feet in those stirrups. Actually, it was the highlight of this whole journey. Hope you ladies enjoy them!! 🙂

Now I’m going to enjoy a relaxing evening with Hubster’s friends and then a fun day in the City tomorrow with my Canadian cousin and his wife tomorrow. For the moment I am enjoying living in the moment and even though sadness comes and goes in waves, I am happy.

This week I will catch up with your lives and blogs!

7 thoughts on “4DPO (possibly) and a chance to finally breathe

  1. Sounds like you’ve been having a great time! I want in on the sock exchange, I’ll have to check it out. Hope this week is as good as the last 🙂

  2. Pingback: Currently ____________ing: | Dog Mom Chasing the Stork

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