My wonderful peace is gone.

With one darn freakin stupid dream, my peace about this babymaking journey is gone.  I woke up this morning for work and walked to the bathroom to jump in the shower when I noticed I was bloated and a little crampy.  That always means AF is not just arriving shortly, but is arriving immediately.  I was confused because I just noticed my pee stick from yesterday had two lines and the one from this morning was positive as well.  Didn’t I?!?  No.  It was a G-D dream!  I remember so vividly feeling confused because I was so sure my period was coming that I couldn’t believe these second lines were  real.  I remember doing double and triple-takes in my dream and sure enough, the lines were there.  So in my dream I called into work and explained what happened to my Supervisor and was waiting to call the doctor’s office when they open at 8:30 when I woke up.  YUCK!

I told Hubster about my dream and he mentioned that it was too bad I wasn’t dreaming about the Sons of Anarchy like he had been.  Let me tell you, I would MUCH rather be dreaming about Jax.  This dream and all of these feelings are horrible.  But the worst part is AF was teasing me.  The bloating lessened and the cramping stopped so now I’m back in the holding pattern.  No, there has been no flow today.  Aaaargh!

It is so hard to be positive and not only accept that this bullshit is our journey to building a family, but be appreciative of it like I was.  Now this?!?  Where’s my reward for such good behavior and such a good mindset?!?  My whole life I’ve tried to do things the right way, learn from mistakes I’ve made and I have only had more and more challenges.  Everything in my life has been a fight, but I always push through.  But I’m over it.  I’m tired of always striving to do the right things only to be shat on like I was this morning.  I’m tired of being so genuinely happy for the people around me IRL and in this community who have been blessed with pregnancies and babies only to be shat on like I was this morning.  And I’m SO tired of being patient and waiting for my turn only to be shat on like I was this morning.

No more.  At least not today.  For right now I’m just going to stare at this beauty:

My favorite bad boy, Jax Teller. Mmmm…

8 thoughts on “My wonderful peace is gone.

  1. Man I hear ya. I was so excited to get over the sperm hurdle (i.e. hubbys count was back to normal) that I jumped headfirst into the IUI only to have it canceled. WHY?

    • because you want kiddos. sometimes i think we’re crazy to do all of this, but then i remember we’re going to be amazing moms and this world needs us to have kids. 😉 again, i;m so sorry for your setback. xoxo

  2. I totally feel you. It’s just one thing after another after another. How many DPO are you? Remember you can always email me if you need to vent/talk. I’m here for you and thinking about you.

  3. ugh I’m sorry! Horrible dreaming taunting you like that 😦 I know it is so hard to be patient. I will never get over how unfair this is and how so many good people go through such crap. Try to hang in there and have much more peaceful dreams. *hugs*

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