…and with that I have to make some decisions. Well, really, it’s only one.
Do I medicate this month or do I skip the meds for another month? Or two?
I can’t decide, I can’t decide! I love feeling physically and mentally healthier from my month off of Clomid pills and HCG injections. I have enjoyed not constantly thinking about taking pills on certain days and my shot schedule (I take 3 HCG shots each month). I’m enjoying wanting to eat cleaner and work out like crazy. And I’m most looking forward to running this week since I won’t have enlarged ovaries at risk of twisting and dying this month.
I’m simply not freaking out during this “break” like I thought I would be. I thought I would be dyyyying to get back to the rigor and structure of infertility treatments because it meant we were really “trying.” Rather, I’m enjoying this break. And I don’t want to go back to the craziness. I want babies so badly, but I don’t want the appointments, drugs, timetables, timed sex and stress. I’m dreaming of a trip to Las Vegas in September and saving up for a cruise to the Bahamas that will be featuring a COACHELLA MUSIC FESTIVAL for my birthday. But they are just dreams because I’m 31 (and quickly approaching 32), so as Jenn’s doctor put it, “time is of the essence” for me. Aaargh!
I was working hard at finding my peace with the infertility journey and my miscarriage again. And I actually thought it was coming back, but now I realize I was feeling that because I just want a baby to magically happen for me. I think like that sometimes. Like back in school, I thought that maybe I can still pull off an A in a class without trying halfway through the semester because I had been a good student throughout the first half and the prof really likes me. Nope, I have to bust my ass the entire semester to get an A. Or at work I think I can call in sick regularly since other people do it. Nope, that will go on my annual report and a potential employer will learn about my “attendance” when they call for a reference so off to work I go every freaking morning. On time, of course. So obviously I’ll totally get pregnant because we put in a good year of really hard work and then decided to just stop trying. No, life (or least mine) DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. I have to give it my all to get the results I want. And I’m sure once I’m back in the routine I won’t regret it, right?
Ok, I think I know what I have to do. I’ll chat with my doctor’s office and my acupuncturist about what to do this month and then decide. I have two days to firm up that decision. Piece of cake, right?! 😉