My baseline showed a freaking G-D sac. So not only are we totally out for another month, but I have a D&C scheduled for next Monday. I know they are not that big of a deal, but the idea of having my doctor scrape the remnants of the would-be baby or placenta from my uterus is a painful thought. I did get a BT done to confirm this wasn’t a new pregnancy, but that is very unlikely considering I had a heavy-ish period and my HPTs were negative.
I’m in a bad place people and will probably stay away from Blogland for at least the next few days. I need to just escape to TV and my shitty dreams (last night was not a good night’s rest. :() for awhile. I came to work today because there’s nothing for me at home, but I am regretting it and can’t wait until 5 o’clock comes. I’ve hit the end of my rope with this miscarriage business and infertility.
First I realize I’m not ovulating a few months into ATTC so I get on BC and then on Clomid on month 4. After 8 long months of disappointment, diet change, vitamins, teas and Clomid s/e I get my first BFP only to find out it was a chemical. Queue major heartbreak. Way worse than any I felt with each of AF’s arrivals. I have my period and it turns out there’s an empty sac. Queue more pain and heartbreak after seeing the empty sac on the U/S monitor. I bleed for 3 days after that thinking I’m passing the tissue, cry each time I see the clumpy thick mess on my pantyliner and after another period there’s still a sac. And news of an impending D&C. Queue more heartbreak and re-grieving of the loss. And the added anxiety of the procedure. On top of that, Hubster doesn’t feel any of the pain or sadness so even though he wants to be there for me while I grieve, I need to do it alone. Because I am alone in my grief.