Quick Update

My baseline showed a freaking G-D sac.  So not only are we totally out for another month, but I have a D&C scheduled for next Monday. I know they are not that big of a deal, but the idea of having my doctor scrape the remnants of the would-be baby or placenta from my uterus is a painful thought. I did get a BT done to confirm this wasn’t a new pregnancy, but that is very unlikely considering I had a heavy-ish period and my HPTs were negative.

I’m in a bad place people and will probably stay away from Blogland for at least the next few days. I need to just escape to TV and my shitty dreams (last night was not a good night’s rest. :() for awhile. I came to work today because there’s nothing for me at home, but I am regretting it and can’t wait until 5 o’clock comes. I’ve hit the end of my rope with this miscarriage business and infertility. 

First I realize I’m not ovulating a few months into ATTC so I get on BC and then on Clomid on month 4. After 8 long months of disappointment, diet change, vitamins, teas and Clomid s/e I get my first BFP only to find out it was a chemical. Queue major heartbreak. Way worse than any I felt with each of AF’s arrivals. I have my period and it turns out there’s an empty sac. Queue more pain and heartbreak after seeing the empty sac on the U/S monitor. I bleed for 3 days after that thinking I’m passing the tissue, cry each time I see the clumpy thick mess on my pantyliner and after another period there’s still a sac. And news of an impending D&C. Queue more heartbreak and re-grieving of the loss. And the added anxiety of the procedure. On top of that, Hubster doesn’t feel any of the pain or sadness so even though he wants to be there for me while I grieve, I need to do it alone. Because I am alone in my grief.

15 thoughts on “Quick Update

  1. Oh no, I am so so sorry. Thinking of you and hoping you can spend some time with yourself grieving, because sometimes that is all you can do. Sending you lots of hugs…

  2. I’m so sorry hun, my heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine what you must be going through but just know that I’m here, we all are, and we love you. Call or text anytime, I’ll be thinking about you and sending you lots of love. xoxo

  3. Oh, I’m so sorry. I feel for you. I’ve been in a very similar situation and know how hard it can be (and often still is). I’ll be thinking of you, and praying for your renewed hope and healing. ~ hugs ~

  4. Jeez, I’m sorry this just doesn’t seem to end. 😦 Take care of yourself… and even though your husband isn’t feeling this pain, lean on him for support if you can. You’re in this together, even though it’s happening in *your* body. *HUGS*

  5. Oh hun… you’re certainly not alone in your grief. We’re all here with you… you’re been through so much and this is a real kick 😦 My heart goes out to you… this IF thing is not fair and is so cruel. Be gentle on yourself and treat yourself to exactly what you want/need at the moment…. thinking of you with all my heart xoxo

  6. Oh man, it’s just never ending….so sorry for you 😦 Maybe this is a silly question, but does that means you got pregnant on your own this month or is it left over from last time? I have never gotten to the pregnancy part so I am kind of clueless.

  7. So so sorry, dearest. Take all of the time you need to grieve and process this. We’ll all be here for you when you come back. I echo others here when I say that you are not alone. Big hugs.

  8. you’re not alone!!! i know exactly how you feel and it’s completely normal! plus, i promise it does get better with time (but really only time helps). seeing an empty sack is like being punched in the stomach. i don’t understand why this didn’t show up on a previous scan though and i’m sorry you’ve had to wait so long to have this show up now! hope your D&C goes smoothly and remember to treat yourself to something fun! IT WILL GET BETTER!! – new reader/follower/blogger 🙂

    • that’s exactly how it felt seeing that sac. again. it actually showed up on my baseline last month, but we thought i would pass it naturally. 😦

      thanks for visiting!!

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