Thanks so very much for all of your support, understanding and encouragement. It’s so weird to me how going through infertility/miscarriage changes your life in every possible way. It makes you rethink your friendships/relationships with other people, changes you socially, tries to rip apart your relationship with your partner and takes you on a constant nighttime roller coaster ride. The kind where you don’t see the drops, twists and turns. I don’t know how anyone can survive their own journeys without such an amazing community as I’m a part of. So thank you.
I had a rough time on Tuesday. That was a really bad day and I asked Hubster to give me some time alone at home to grieve. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t let go with the kind of release I needed with him there. I think it’s because he doesn’t feel what I feel. But one of you blog gals reminded me that he needs to be a part of my grieving process so I came up with a plan. After we ate dinner and watched an episode of True Blood, he left to run errands and go to his parents’ house to chat about the latest development. I was glad because I knew they would be able to provided some support and insight. His mom and dad experienced infant loss. 😦 Even though my loss was different, he wanted to ask his mom about her experience. While he was talking to both his mom and dad I spent a little over an hour writing and bawling my eyes out in between typing. When Hubster returned shortly after, I shared my writing with him. We had a good talk after that. He liked my writing and comforted me, then told me everything he and his parents talked about. I also had him read the post from Stork Whisperer that I linked to earlier in this post. Hubster also understands a little more about my loss and his parents gave him wonderful advice for supporting me through this.
Here’s what I wrote that night:
I don’t want the doctor to scrape out the little sac clinging tight to my uterus. My womb. I never wanted this pregnancy to be over. I know it was “abnormal.” I know it never would have become a baby I could grow inside of me and hold in my arms. But I have loved it since the moment I saw that faint pink line.
Knowing that the diminishing line would not give me a child was so heartbreaking. Disappointment cannot come close to describing how dispirited I felt when I learned my first positive pregnancy test was a tease. I was heartbroken and couldn’t believe how quickly my joy could come crashing down. It wasn’t fair. I already have to struggle and work so hard just to get pregnant and I was only given the feelings of wonderment, elation and satisfaction for three short hours.
This miscarriage itself was not only devastating, but it has robbed me of the joy of seeing two beautiful lines. I will never again rejoice in a positive pregnancy test. Instead, I will be gripped with fear, anxiety and guilt for not delighting in the blessing of another miracle. And I am so scared of how I’ll feel every year on our anniversary. My due date would have been 3/2/13. One day before our 2nd wedding anniversary. How do I celebrate such a beautiful day when I won’t have a beautiful child to hold in my arms? When I’ll be reminded of what didn’t come, how do I celebrate?
I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel better and not be sad. The grief is often fleeting, but this seemingly never-ending miscarriage brings grief and depression more often than I can handle. I find peace and then something happens to obliterate that peace and drop unbearable heartache on my doorstep once again. But I need to move past this once and for all. I desperately need to see the silver lining being dulled by a black cloud of my upcoming D&C.
It’s so hard to find now since I have begun to resent my ability to find silver linings in most circumstances. I often think if I wasn’t able to find so many positives in the world, I would be given less hardships to overcome. I resent my inner strength for that same reason. Sometimes I’m so tired of being strong only to be given more trials to conquer.
The whole idea of never being given more than you can handle is the biggest double-edged sword in my life. Needing that silver lining and hating it at the same time. But oh how I need it right now. I don’t want to sink any further into my despair. I don’t want to be depressed, angry, short-tempered or sad anymore. I want closure. I know I’ll never forget this experience, but I don’t it to consume me anymore. I want my D&C to be a fresh start. I will always love the beginning of life we created, but I need to move past it and the D&C can provide that.
After sharing my grief with him, I started thinking about maybe creating a space to write for our family and friends. This way they will have deeper insight into what this process is/has been/will be for us and more people dealing with IF IRL can connect with me, but without compromising the anonymity of this one. This is my sacred, unfiltered space and I protect it fiercely so sharing it with more than a few select IRL friends is not an option. Hubster thinks it’s too much to maintain, but since it will be mostly informational articles and sporadic writings, I think it will be ok. What do you think?
And what is going on with my priorities?!? Hubster and I partied it up quite often between 2008-2010. I’m talking clubs almost every weekend and house parties when we weren’t going to clubs. We settled down some as the challenges of owning and lightly remodeling a house became more of a priority and then it was because our friends started having kids. I have completely welcomed this more docile lifestyle…until now. I want to go to VEGAS and party my butt off! My friend is thinking about going to Miami for her Bachelorette party and I want to go and party my butt off! I want to put off TTC until after Vegas. And now I want to put off TTC until after Miami (whenever that is!). But I don’t want to put off TTC so I’m not 8-9 months pregnant at my sister’s wedding next June?!? AND I’M ALMOST 32 AND WOULD RATHER PARTY THAN TTC?!? Why are my priorities so screwed up?!?
Last topic for this giant brain dump: my fertility clinic.
I like my RE because he really does know what he’s doing and understands how IF affects us emotionally (and intimately). But I hate trying to get answers from them! I had my blood test done at 11am on Monday morning. I don’t find out until yesterday evening what they were. And do you know what the email said? “Less than 5, which is good.” No, that is not good. It is not good that the sac I saw wasn’t a new possibly viable pregnancy. And given that information, it is not good to not tell me the number is at 0, meaning this was the same sac from last month. IT IS NOT GOOD THAT I STILL HAd NO IDEA WHAT THIS DAMN SAC IS UNTIL LATE YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!
I was in such a good place yesterday, but as per usual on this journey, I am distraught, sad and frustrated today. My how quickly good moods can change. I am still sad about my upcoming D&C and am worried about complications, but I am focusing on the closure aspect and how routine it is. Also that my doctor is probably a pro at it. I’ll get the specific stats Monday. Hopefully those are even more reassuring. But for now, I have an old mantra I’m trying to focus on: