the *key*

I was on a serious downward spiral starting at 3:30pm today. I was expecting that when I woke up feeling especially positive and peaceful after finally feeling the closure I so desperately needed. I mean, my good days never last long, right?!? Anyway, so my mood started plummeting this afternoon when the reality of the direction my Director at work is heading hit me. Every knows how job hunting goes these days (and I’m sure EVERYONE in the U.S. knows how hard State workers in CA have it) so when severe disillusionment set in, I got overwhelmed thinking of how much work it will be to start applying for everything and anything I’m even remotely qualified for. There is my State app, resume and cover letter that all need to be tweaked for each position, Statement of Qualifications to write for several of the positions I will apply for and a conversation with my boss. As of tonight, there are 8 positions I will apply for so I’m sure that number will double by the time I start working on everything this weekend. Yikes. Not to mention how sad it makes me to think I might leave my team. My supervisor left the tall vase on my desk when I returned to work following my D&C hysteroscopy and a committee I serve on brought me the pink flowers. How do I leave this?!?

I needed a break after realizing I might actually leave my once amazing job so I went to our break area. There I walked past one of my old coworkers who is about 16 weeks pregnant. Her bump has formed she was *glowing* while talking to another coworker. I really love this girl. She is hardworking, fun and always has a big bright smile on her face. She recently married a man she is deeply in love with and they are more than ecstatic they wound up pregnant without even trying. And I was so happy for her. I know it’s hard to see so many women get pregnant so easily, but none of us wish this Hell  journey on anyone else. Especially people we like. But today I had a really hard time seeing her bump. I didn’t even say hi as I passed by, but quickly escaped to the bathroom. And it hit me. I am uber jealous of EVERYONE who is pregnant or has kids again. I thought the resentment and bitterness I felt when I saw several large baby bumps at a music festival recently was because they are strangers. But seeing this coworker today made me realize the Green-Eyed-Infertility-Monster is back.

I tearfully confessed how I was feeling to my coworker and she comforted me and reminded me that what I was feeling is normal. She never had problems with fertility or miscarried, but she’s just a very wise and very empathetic person. We also discussed the possibility that my period might be coming. I really hope so. This would fit my schedule so much better than coming in two weeks and it would be my 2nd cycle arriving without taking Clomid. I felt a little better and finished my work day but went to go visit Hubster’s friend who just had a baby 10 days ago.

Jealousy didn’t hit the way I was expecting, but I was dying from the longing and fear I felt. Luckily Hubster’s 3 month old nephew was cheesing it up so he cheered me up. Until we got home. I finally cried a little after my friend messaged me to tell me about a dream she had where I had a son and was pregnant with a girl. She reminded me that even though this has been a really hard journey, I will have my babies one day.

After watching the Olympics for awhile I got really antsy. All of a sudden I felt the urge to just run. And run I did! This was the 2nd time I’ve run in the last 5 weeks and I pulled off 10-min miles for about 2 miles. It felt wonderful. Now I feel really good. Just when I needed and am physically ready for it, I found my key to sanity – RUNNING.

I’m here now and promise to slowly start catching up on your blogs. Again, I’m sorry for not thanking you individually, but the overwhelming support you gave me from my last post has helped carry me through the last few very difficult days. Hugs to all of you!

2 thoughts on “the *key*

  1. Big Hugz honey! Sending you love and peace. I’m sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to let you know you won my Birthday giveaway. Please email me your address so I can send you your prize. I’m not sure yet which one you will get. The first winner has to choose first. My email is ablanket2keep (at) gmail (dot) com.

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