I’ve been away living life and healing, but I feel good and I’m back to share what I’ve been up to.
The main thing I’ve been focusing on is not living like I’m pregnant. I had a wonderful weekend of physical activity, drinking, family and friends!!! On Saturday I went rollerblading with Hubster. Oh yes! We’re bringing back rollerblades! It was thrilling! Fun and terrifying at the same time. I did get into my groove in under 10 mins and after only about 20 mins, all of my leg muscles were so sore. It was fun and I got a good workout in. Then I went to a fabulous (and FUN!) bridal shower at a tiny winery here in town and hit up a super fun gay nightclub with some of may favorite ladies later that night. I also ate the best grilled cheese of my life that night. It had 4 cheeses and one of those “cheeses” was mozzarella sticks!!! YUM! The next day Hubster and I went to one of the Indian casinos close by for their “pool party” since it was Hubster’s friend’s birthday weekend and he wanted to go out with a bang! Yes, his wife is 19 weeks pregnant and even though I like her, I am so jealous. This was such a revelation to me. This was the first time I felt immensely jealous of a couple that I really, really genuinely like since my acceptance of our “situation.” But the next revelation was that I feel okay with my resentment and jealousy. It’s normal and I don’t feel guilty. I’m still so happy for them, but it sucks that it’s so hard for us. Also at 31, I’ve learned that I’m definitely too old for the nonsense of casino-styled pool parties. However, I had so much fun watching the birthday boy running around enjoying himself. We were there for 7 hilarious hours and I was exhausted when we got home Sunday night.
Even though I was dragging major ass on Monday morning, I felt happy. I felt like I could finally move on and not live as as infertile-only. I feel more like me again. Mentally, socially, emotionally and physically. I even think my strained marriage has finally started to heal again. Hubster and I have had so much distance between us recently, it was getting a little scary. I wasn’t scared of the distance, but the apathy I felt about said distance. When I love, I love passionately. And to build up a wall between Hubster and I so high that I don’t care the wall is there is a new and frightening feeling. He felt it too. He had an upsetting dream and when he shared it with me I simply told him not to let me drift so far away that we can’t fix our marriage and the conversation ended. Late last night I realized that I resented his lack of sadness and loss at the outcome of our first and only pregnancy. I was also done with asking him for comfort, cuddle time and loving encouragement. So the wall went up. We talked and his efforts have been amazing. I think I may even want to try sexytime in the near future (it’s been almost an entire month again!). But for now I’m thoroughly enjoying my doting, affectionate and loving husband again.
I’m also enjoying working out. I’ve watched the Olympics every single day since it started and these athletes are so amazing. I am nowhere close to being an athlete and even I’m inspired to push my body past it’s “limits” and fully appreciate the gift of an able body. Here are the different things that have motivated me:
Tracking my food and exercise on this app:
And one of the BEST helpers:
A great distraction lately:
Finally, Hubster and I will hold our little ceremony for the final closure of my first BFP this weekend and my tattoo is slowly taking shape. Instead of the feet in a heart, I think I’m leaning towards a forget-me-not with pomegranate-colored thread snaking the stem. I’ll start working on the picture soon and hopefully I’ll get it in the next couple of months.