And let the whining commence.
Why do I have to go through SO much bullshit at once?! I swear the amount I go through at one time is more than anyone should go through throughout their entire lifetime. Right now I have self doubt about forgoing medication this month, my great grandmother is in a coma and this is most likely the end for her, and I’m really sad that this is our babymaking journey.
Hubster and I agreed that we wanted one more month with no medication. Saturday was CD1 and it was really bittersweet. I was so thankful my body started a new cycle all on it’s own for the 3rd straight month! Yeah body! But boy was I also a little sad!! It was a reminder that I’m not pregnant and may never be again. It was a reminder that I still have yet to fulfill my dream of having a baby even though so many people get knocked up accidentally.
It also makes me sad that I couldn’t even tell my great grandma I am pregnant when I saw her this weekend. Friday morning my mom, aunt, grandma and I made the 6 hour drive down to LA to visit my great grandma. On Wednesday she fell and has a blood clot in her brain and since she’s almost 101, we knew we had to go see her as soon as possible. It was hard to see her in the ICU hooked up to the machines that were keeping her alive. She has been such a strong fighter her entire life and this is one fight I don’t think she can fight. Not only that, but I think she’s not interested in fighting. And hell, why would she? She’s lived a really long, full life. I used to spend summers down in LA and she took care of my sister and I. We really loved her and it’s weird to imagine going down to LA and not seeing her. Even though she speaks very little English, but somehow we still found ways to communicate. One of my favorite memories was always getting into the car to head back up north and waving to her as she wiped tears away from her eyes. I never felt so loved and cherished as I did when I promised I would visit again soon and watch her cry as we left. I also enjoyed speaking to her with my new Chinese vocabulary. Every time I learned something new, I couldn’t wait to practice it out on her. And the moments that warm my heart the most are when Hubster would visit with me. She was always so happy when she saw him. She was so loving toward me and I was her great grandkid! She was so proud of her large growing family. And she even has 4 great-great-grandkids! Amazing. Unfortunately, she won’t live to meet my kids.
Infertility has never been as big of a bitch as it is now. I have always dreamed of the day that I would be able to introduce my baby to her. And because I am destined to have only girls (boys scare the ever-loving S out of me!!), I could not wait for the day we could take a picture of 5 generations of women. And now that won’t happen. Just another loss I get to grieve. Great. I’m so sad we’re still trying. It’s not fair that it took months and months and months (13, to be exact) of ovulating + awesome swimmers = 1 failed pregnancy. I got sad, depressed and bitter several times and pick myself up and find effing blessings in this devastating journey, only to find myself back in my misery. IT’S NOT FAIR!!!! I do not try to find the easy way out, lie/cheat/steal or expect the world to give me everything like some people. So why the hell is my only real dream so unreachable?!?
My next post will be focused on my blessings and the positive parts of this month’s break, I promise. As always, thanks for reading through my whining.