Being busy is great. I feel like I really LIVE life. Infertility has sucked a lot of life out of me at times, but I actually keep going. I’m proud of myself and how I’ve dealt with this journey. When I think back to my mom’s thought that I’m not dealing with the emotional aspect very well, I laugh. I think considering how painful this journey has been, Hubster and I have done better than okay. I know in the very near future we may have to seek counseling with a therapist specializing in infertility, but for now I think we have pretty healthy perspectives and outlets. And I’m really, really proud of us. Especially because even though we plan to be pregnant every freaking month, we still live our lives. We are active socially again and I’m running at least 4x/week. Also, we recently renovated our master bedroom. I can’t go into specifics and post pictures because it will be on TV and I’m trying to keep this blog anonymous (I will post specifics and password protect it when I find out the date it airs. Then those of you who might be interested can email me for the password.), but I will say it’s even better than I could have imagined. It is the peaceful and gorgeous retreat I needed. It looks like I’m waking up/coming home to a luxury hotel and I feel like I’m on vacation when I’m in it. Plus it has helped the SexyTime for sure!!!! And best of all, it has restored my faith in God’s provision. I’m not being dramatic when I say life has been really unfair and hard for me almost my entire 31 years and the blighted ovum was my last straw. But having something amazing fall into my lap at that exact moment was exactly what I needed to remember that God is good to me and will pick me up when I am about to shatter completely. However, good things don’t come without a price.
While getting ready for filming and the big reno, I was anxiously anticipating word of the funeral arrangements. And instead of grieving the loss of such a amazing woman, I was thinking about my house and being on TV. My great grandma passed away 5 days before filming was supposed to start and I was freaking out I would miss the services. However, we found out the day before our big event that the funeral would be over Labor Day weekend. Phew!!! So we started the reno on Friday, worked 12+ hour days on the house until Sunday night, I worked Tuesday & Wednesday and then I drove down with my family on Wednesday night to help prepare for the services. BUSY!
It has been really wonderful spending time with my extended family. My great grandma and great grandpa made 59 kids, grandkids, great grandkids and great great grandkids in their 73 years of marriage and her 100 years (3 months shy of 101!) of life. And having Hubster there to squeeze my hand when I got choked up or to rub my back when I got really quiet was the icing. He is a great husband and even though we are experiencing this journey differently, we are still one solid unit. The passing of my great grandma really brought us back together as stooopid Infertility tried to pull us apart and I appreciate that. I appreciate that instead of rolling his eyes at the wailing (Chinese tradition to respect to the deceased) my grandma and great aunts let out, he teared up. And I appreciate that even though he had only seen her a handful of times, he loved her too. Now that we are solidly united again, I am ready to tackle IF again.
In so many ways it has been such a relief to not know what CD I’m on and to not remember which CD I possibly ovulated. And I’m enjoying running and pushing my body to go farther (while it instinctively pushes for faster) than I have in months. But on the other hand I feel left out of “the game” and like I’m wasting precious months. I want to be pregnant. I want to run a marathon. I want to have a baby. I want to plan a Women’s Wine Weekend with my girlfriends in a couple of months and not be the DD. BUT I WANT TO START OUR FAMILY MORE.
So as soon as AF comes, I will try to celebrate the hope the start of another cycle brings. Come on AF, get here. Now. I also need you to come so I will stop hoping we did it on a break. 😉