I just went down to LA for my great grandma’s funeral and wrote a post on the way. However, I haven’t had internet til now. So here’s what I wrote Wednesday night:
I’m in mourning, I’m mourning so many things. And I feel alone. I feel left behind and I feel like my partner has deserted me. Don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing husband and really wonderful life. I’ve built most of it, but I have also been seriously blessed. But I feel so restless….or unsatisfied?
I don’t know. This infertility journey is getting to me. Not feeling like I’m actually on this journey is getting to me. And I feel selfish for needing and enjoying this break. And for wanting to extend it. I am so disappointed that I can’t train for a marathon. I would have to sign up months in advance and when on this journey, just living month to month is unpredictable. I wanted to do this marathon in December, but registration is already closed. And I’m angry about that. I don’t even have the option and that makes me so mad. I’m so tired of living like I’m pregnant when I’M NEVER EFFING PREGNANT. Yes, I got pregnant once, but being pregnant for about two seconds is the worst kind of tease. Maybe I’m not actually ready to be a mom. Maybe I’ll never be ready and I’m too selfish to be a mom. I know, this is crazy talk, but WHAT IF?!? And on top of that we’re finally going to bury my great-grandma this weekend. I’m sad about that too. I’m sad that she’s gone. I’m sad for the rest of my family that was even closer to her than me. Her life was good and very long, but it’s still sad.
And I wonder sometimes if Hubster has given all of the comfort and sensitivity he has. I know that he loves and cares about me, but he’s not as in tune with me as he once was. For example, we’re waiting for my period to start. And I told him it’s hard to have the same feelings I had when I did get pregnant because then I hope. So he told me to stop thinking about it. Whoa. I don’t know when this started. And I don’t want to try to figure it out. I want to just pretend everything is ok. We’re in love, have a great life together and will have babies one day. But everything is not ok. And I just want it to be. And I don’t know when it will be again.
Oh and not to mention that I’ve been left behind by practically everyone on here. I’ll do a short little disclaimer, but I know that you all know how I feel. I’m so happy and excited for each and every one of the pregnancies I’m reading about everyday. I was so disappointed that I couldn’t make it to Izzy’s baby shower last weekend and am ECSTATIC to be attending her next one shortly. But good Lord, can it be my turn (for real) soon?!?
I feel better now. Thanks for listening to the crazy – NOT brought to you by Clomid – just my crazy self.
And Tuesday I’ll announce the next Lazy Pinner’s Challenge category. ALSO, if anyone is interested in taking over Jenn’s Weight Loss Challenge, please let her know (so I don’t have to haha!)!
And I’ll be posting my most recent thoughts/rants shortly.