I don’t know why, but I feel really great about this cycle. Remember how I felt sure that I would indeed have children one day? Well, that could mean any number of ways right? But I really feel like this is our cycle and that’s why everything worked out perfectly (for the first time ever) this month. Also, I can’t not get the dream job I just interviewed for and not get pregnant in the same cycle, right? No, I didn’t find out I have been rejected, but it’s now 4 days past the date they were planning to hand out job offers and I haven’t heard from them. Doesn’t take a genius to realize they chose 2 of the other interviewees, does it? I’m still trying to summon the courage to call and confirm this is the case since they promised to call either way and I also haven’t received a rejection letter yet. To my knowledge, all State agencies are really quick with those ones!
Anyway, I don’t know why I have this deep down feeling this is the month. I have prayed and thanked God for comforting me this cycle since He surely must know this is it or He wouldn’t let me feel like this, right? Before we began this cycle, I knew it was going to work. I was sad to leave my not-currently-TTC life behind because I knew when we started this cycle, this was it. I knew I was going to be pregnant and I knew we would have a baby after this try. So no more getting wasted at girls’ nites, no more booze-cruising in a raft down the American River every summer, no more only worrying about finding someone to watch the furbabies or reserving space at their doggy hotel when we want to go out of town and, last but certainly not least, no more trying to lose weight from being happily married. Now I’ll have to lose baby weight. But man, feeling this confident is awesome! I have not worried once about anything this month! I have been completely cool, calm and easygoing about every aspect of this cycle. Maybe because everything went right, but still, that just fed right into my comfort about the outcome.
Every once in awhile a little tiny fear creeps in and I worry that I will be devastated if this somehow isn’t the month.
- “IT COULD VERY WELL NOT BE THE MONTH YOU GET PREGNANT WITH A TAKE-HOME BABY!” This one comes up the most often, but I brush it off saying, “If not this cycle, then it will be another one very soon!”
- Or the pin I recently came across: “The moment you’re ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens.” Things aren’t at their worst right now. I haven’t lost my dream. That did happen one time and that’s when we got our first BFP. But this is the one time in my life where I was seriously wrestling with “giving up.” In my head I actually contemplated stopping everything now because living a child-free life was enjoyable and satisfying for me. And I really itching to travel. This coming November will be one year since we vacationed and it’s seems too long! But the thought of never being a mother hurt too much. So I’m not sure if my short-lived desire (right before this delusional optimism or faith) to live child-free counts, but then I remind myself I’m thinking too much about this.
So am I suffering from delusional optimism? Or have I finally restored my faith in God’s plan for my life and believe in His will? Honestly, I don’t know. I like to think the latter, but I think it’s more of a combination of the two. And now that I have confessed to you all what I’m feeling, I will stop dwelling on it and just focus on all the exciting things happening in my life.
Thanks for “listening” and for not shaking your heads in disgust at me. And thank you in advance for not being nasty if this cycle does fail and I have to write my post of shame. This community is seriously the best and I love you all for it!