Me and Optimism are now enemies

Damn. CD3 baseline showed a giant cyst (30-something mm) which means two things: we’re out another effing cycle and I CAN’T RUN! Omg I’m crushed. A little dramatic right? Well get this: the doc is worried about Diminished Ovarian Reserve. He looked back through my chart and sure enough my AMH level was 0.9. Not so good. Why didn’t I know this months ago?! And that explains why I had so few follicles last month. I only had 4 total. Usually I have at least that many on just one ovary. So the cyst and the small numbers of follicles is what clued him in. I’m going to start on 25mg of DHEA twice daily sson and that should help increase my number of follicles. We can start more testing (Day-3 FSH & counting the eggs) after my cyst goes away. Which I’m trying to let happen naturally again. But for those of you with experience, what does this REALLY mean?

Emotionally I’m a mess. This news sucks, but the circumstances around it sucks worse. I was fine today. I was GREAT yesterday (after much-needed retail therapy and acupuncture). I had a small freak out when my period came on Wednesday, but it was over so quickly. I burst into tears and decided I was done. I complained to Hubster for about  2 mins before I was actually ready to get going! I was feeling positive and slightly freaking out about not freaking out. My acupuncturist had a great point. He said that while this journey is stressful, I need to stop stressing and let him and my doc do the stressing. He pointed out that it’s their jobs to get my body working properly and as long as I’m eating healthy and exercising regularly, there’s nothing else I need to do. He specifically said my infertility is out of my control so let go. And I did. I almost cried because I felt this huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. So I was fine yesterday. I was great today.

I say optimism & faith are for the birds. I’m tired of finding my faith again only to be completely shat on. Not only did I not get pregnant (that’s disappointing, but fine), but now I have to sit this cycle out (frustrating, but fine) and I have to wait for the cyst to go away to find out if I have the egg supply of someone much older than me, UUUUUUUUUGH.

Tomorrow is a new day. I can’t run, but I can walk and hopefully that will help clear my mind. Right before I fly to D.C. tomorrow evening with my family. Sigh.


17 thoughts on “Me and Optimism are now enemies

  1. Ugh what completely crappy news! I am so sorry. On the flip side, I hope you have a fun time in DC! Apparently we will be experiencing a big chill (dropping 30 degrees tomorrow) so it may really start feeling like fall around here!

    • Thanks sweetie! I LOVE fall weather and can’t wait. It just dropped 30° here too and I got to wear boots for the first time yesterday. I really hope I can enjoy DC…I really need to take my mind off things. I just can’t find anything to do besides the normal sightseeing stuff. I was hoping alcohol would be part of my adventure haha!

  2. Oh man, that is definitely tough news to take. So sorry to hear you had a crappy day.

    So, you’re going to DC? It’s going to be chilly, well chillier than usual. Bring those boots 🙂 I wish I could tell you fun things to do while you are there. But even though I live so close, I rarely venture into the city. I know the museums are great and food is yummy, but that’s about all I know. Have fun!!!

  3. I’m so sorry about the cyst and the suspected diminished reserve. Really hoping the DHEA helps! Ps. I grew up in the DC area!

  4. I’m a new follower. Hi! I’m sorry to hear about your residual cyst. They suck! I had one after my first IUI cycle and the waiting really was the hardest part (thank you, Tom Petty). I hope you can enjoy your trip and find some alcohol-involved adventures in DC!

    Also, optimism is a tough bugger. sometimes I haeve lots. Sometimes I have none. Damn fickle faith!

  5. I’m sorry about the DOR news! I got the same diagnosis back in January and I know how crushing those numbers can be. But please don’t give up! We may noth have the largest AFC but in the end quality goes over quantity.
    I read that your’re seeing an acupuncturist. That is great! TCM believes that you CAN reset your reproductive clock. My AP put me on CoQ10 (together with a high quality fish oil for better absorption) and I’m also taking Royal Jelly. I did my first IUI cycle with injectables this months… and guess what… I responded far too well to the meds and the cycle got converted to IVF (but then cancelled due to some other issues).
    I have a number of links on high FSH/low AFC, let me know if you’re interested.

  6. Well, I’ve returned from London to read this post and I’m just so freaking sorry. This blows. Optimism is a dangerous thing when there’s so much potential for disappointment. He’s my enemy too. I’m going to pray and hope for you, though. Wishing you a quick few weeks so that you can move forward with the next cycle. XO

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