I’m home and boy have I missed you!!

The last couple of days have been rough. I mean, really really rough. I don’t know why exactly, but I’m sure we can all guess! And I have been surprisingly emotional. That’s not like me…maybe because I’m nearing my normal O time and we have to refrain?!? I don’t know. All I know is I’m having a rough time and cried through the last Bitter Infertiles podcast. Please listen. These ladies and your blogs are what have been getting me through every tough time on this journey. Not only are they really smart, but they are HILARIOUS and passionate. I wrote a post on the first leg of my journey so here it is:

Four days away was good for my mind. I spent time laughing and playing with my family. I also spent a good 10 mins discussing the latest development in my IF journey with my aunt (& mom here and there). While sitting on my 6am flight home today, I’ve come to the conclusion about several things: I feel lost, I’m terrified and I want to communicate my need for some type of validation/emotional support from my mom.

I’ve known for so long that I would have a hard time conceiving a child, but somehow this is still unbelievable. I was always the one to babysit my younger sister, cousins, neighborhood children and help in our church’s nursery. I love children and have this innate ability to soothe an upset baby/child and understand their needs. I’m no miracle worker and have had my share of tantrums and inconsolable children to care for. But overall, I have this gift with kids that I fear will never be used with my own children. It’s incomprehensible to me. I have always wanted to be a mom and the thought that I may not be given that gift leaves me feeling fully and completely adrift. I can’t explain how lost I feel. Even though I am solidly anchored to my amazing husband, I feel all alone and have no idea how to handle my feelings and fears. And I am completely overwhelmed by all of the decisions we need to start considering. I may actually never conceive and carry a baby to term without IVF. And if we try that it may not work. Hubster and I have both gotten to the acceptance stage of this journey several times, but for some reason the hope of building our family with only using Clomid as an intervention always pushes it’s way to the front of our hearts. And now that is falling back to it’s tight little corner in the dark recesses again. The fear of IVF is becoming more of a possibility and that scares the shit out of me.

I am scared, people. Hubster and I have already made one decision along the way and that is absolutely forgoing IUI. It’s only partially covered by our insurance and because Hubster’s SA results were stellar both times AND we got pregnant once, we don’t feel the cost outweighs only the 5% increased chance of working. Also if I find out I do have a problem with my stash of eggs, IUI won’t necessarily help get us pregnant. Again, we don’t think it’s worth the cost – both financially and emotionally. This means that further interventions would put us right smack dab into the IVF monster’s lair. I’ve read too much about IVF to not be scared. I’m scared of all of the needle pokes, mood swings, emotions, hope and ultimately the fear of it not working. “Scared” doesn’t begin to describe it, actually. To be honest, I’m terrified of IVF. I think my biggest fear is that it won’t work for me the first time and we’ll have no embryos to freeze. We’ll be 15k in the hole and still have no baby. I know it works sometimes on the first try and that thought is comforting, but I’m still completely petrified we might have to go down that road.

And if we do, I have no idea how we can do that. Hubster and I live in California and are state workers. We make moderate incomes in a state with a pretty high cost of living. Yes, we are fortunate enough to have jobs, bought a home with a mortgage smaller than most people’s rents, have only one small car payment that’s about half paid off and live comfortably, but we by no means have a lot of extra money. We live pretty sensibly and frugally to save a very teeny amount and try to get out f debt. Hubster has always been frugal and saved enough money for half of the entire 20% down payment on our home. When we met I had been laid off from my job and was going back to school. I had taken a year off of work to concentrate on school and was starting to accumulate some debt. Not much, but enough for me to go back to work. During this time, Hubster helped me financially a LOT and began to accumulate some credit card debt. Fast forward 3 ½ years and we are pretty deep in debt with the addition of student loans. We’re currently looking into options for paying down our debt faster so we can save more, but it feels so hopeless sometimes. Add in the thought of IVF and I shudder.

Another thought that makes me shudder is opening up to my mom. Our relationship has been better over the last few months, but that’s also because it’s been so superficial. Which is not how my relationship with my mom has ever been. So this has been something I’ve struggled with. Especially after another great trip with her. She truly has no idea what I’m going through or how to support me. And she doesn’t ask. I used to take that as her disinterest in my journey, but her random questions lately have made me wander. So I was thinking of putting some links together with RESOLVE articles aimed at loved ones of Infertiles and emailing it to her with a short note telling her that I hope she would take the time to read them and talk to me about this journey. But putting myself out there is scary. So we’ll see if I do it. 😉

So that’s where I’m at right now.  Tomorrow I fly down to San Diego for a short trip and then I have to get back into the swing of normal life. That should take me to about midway through this cycle. Then with Halloween coming up (possibly hosting a party and baking for our last bake sale) I should skate through to my next baseline without too much anxiety.

As always, thanks for your support and understanding. Feeling alone is so much less lonely having you all along for the ride!

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18 thoughts on “I’m home and boy have I missed you!!

  1. Do you have any idea what I would give to sit down and share a bottle of wine with you right now? These words that you wrote feel as if they came straight from my own heart. The details differ, of course, but the sentiment rings so true for me. The prospect of IVF scares the shit out of me, the money more so than anything else.

    I don’t know how much you’ve looked into it and I know it sounds super scary, but there are other ways to pursue IVF. You can do it out of the country. Or, for example, there is a clinic in my area where you pay 20k and get to do 6 rounds of IVF and if you still don’t get a take home baby then they refund all your money. Maybe there is something similar in your area?

    Please just know that I am thinking of you and your very existence in this blogland has helped me through so much. You have my phone number and email, please use it! xoxo

  2. I just wanted to let you know how much I understand this post. First, because of your connection with kids. I am the same..seriously I was born to raise children, which makes it all the harder. I totally get it. As for ivf..i am in my first cycle right now. I have to say I was where you are emotionally..scared of ivf bigtime. But it really honestly isn’t bad. At least not yet. And knowing I have gone to this step sucks, yet, i am trusting in my doctors to do everything they can and all of a sudden my hope is back. And i’m so glad I went ahead with ivf, now. So i hear you absolutely. But if the time comes, embrace it, because it may just work. At least that’s what I am telling myself!

  3. Your post described my feelings EXACTLY! When I was a child myself, I was naming my future children and imagining what they’d look like. It’s like it’s ALWAYS been my purpose to be a mother. I am a childcare director, and I go in and hold those babies and quietly pray that I will have one of my own someday.
    My husband and I don’t make a lot of money, so although IUI IS an option, I’m not quite sure we want to go that route. It’s not worth the money and emotional mess if it doesn’t work. IVF definitely isn’t an option, and adoption isn’t either unless we are fully committed to the idea and take out another loan. But that scares me too, because we want to be able to provide for our child(ren), and don’t want to be paying back another loan and having to worry about finances.
    UGH, no one imagines they will go through this! That’s why I’m glad I’ve reached out a bit to other women out there who are struggling with infertility!

    • good, i’m glad you’ve found this community also! it really does help and i’m glad i’m not alone with this whole not-being-able-to-finance-IVF crap.

  4. I can totally relate to you. We went thru 3 IUIs before we moved on to IVF. Oh how I wish I would have skipped that and used that money for IVF. But as they say “Hindsight is 20/20.” Never would I have thought I would have to do IVF 3 times. We paid out of pocket and I actually cashed in an IRA I had to cover the costs. Definitely not something I ever thought I would do. Just know that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

    Also, I do hope you at least send the email to your mom. Maybe by sharing your journey with her it will help to bring you both closer. I shared our journey with my mom from the beginning and even though there were times when she just could not relate (and it frustrated me), I was glad that I opened up to her.

    Hoping you nothing but the best!

    • thanks for this! your pregnancy made me so happy because i need to see all of the BFP stories! they give me hope! and especially for your 3rd one!!!!

      also, thanks for the encouragement to say something to my mom. i was planning on scrapping that idea until i read this lol!

  5. As I mentioned in my other comment we just went through our first IUI cycle (w. injectables) which first got converted to IVF and then got cancelled completely. We weren’t ready to go from trying naturally straight to IVF. But now, we have an idea of what to expect and should we decide to try again we would jump right into IVF. I don’t wont to put that many meds into my body for a little extra (IUI) chance.
    As for IVF, I totally understand your fear and emotions. I’m in the same spot right now. Getting a higher chance of success also means possibly getting a bigger question mark in case it doesn’t work. And I’m unsure if I’m ready to get this answer just yet.
    Good luck with opening up to your mom. Your idea of collecting some links and sending her some informations sounds like a nice way to make that first step! Wishing you all the best!

  6. I’m scared that IVF is not going to work either. I put a little hope in the IUIs we did (three were covered by insurance so we went ahead and did them), and I wasn’t too surprised that all of them failed. If IVF doesn’t work, well, I just don’t know what we are going to do. I’m nervous that the insurance option I found through work might now come through which means we would have to pay for it all by ourselves (in a state that has an infertility mandate).

    Most clinics do have a “refund” option where you get 75% of your money back if you don’t get a live baby after X number of attempts (depends on the clinic). Maybe you could look into that? Otherwise, we have looked at going abroad where the costs are less expensive- and you get a two week vacation out of it!

    I think that sending RESOLVE articles to your mom sounds like a great idea! Hopefully she will read them and you guys can have a good discussion about what is going on.

    Good luck figuring out your next step.

  7. I know IVF is scary. It takes a long time for people to get to the point that they’re ready to go forward with it. If you’re not there yet? You’re not there, and that’s okay. Hopefully you never need it, but if you do, know that it’s completely survivable and most often, successful. I’m just so grateful that it exists myself.

    I’m glad you’re listening to the podcast but so sorry it made you cry! 😦

    • ok thanks! i needed to hear that from you. and no worries about the crying, it usually happens at some point during the most of the episodes. this is not the first one i listened to while extremely emotional! 😉

  8. My lovely, lovely lady. I skipped IUI and graduated right on to IVF, as well.

    I’m gonna tell you something from the bottom of my storkiest heart – IVF is definitely scary, but actually doing it is SOOOOO much better than the thinking about it beforehand. Even on my worst day during IVF, it didn’t come close – not even close! – to the monster I had built up in my head. It actually ended up being… liberating. Just to freaking DO it.

    If that’s what you end up doing – it’s going to be awesomely badass. It’s going to be AWESOME. You’re a freaking warrior woman and I’m not even worried about you in the slightest.

    • BAhahaha!!!!!!! I almost spit out my water reading this – TWICE! Thanks, I feel rest assured about IVF if it comes to that now. Except the money part still scares me. How do we fix THAT?! 😉

  9. Oh Mrs I am so sorry you’re feeling this way. It is such a shitty road we all have to take and to be broken financially on top is just disgusting. I totally understand the fear of IVF and spending all that money and still ending up childless. I don’t have any suggestions really as being a Brit it’s all a little different for the most part. Jenn from Future Fords however has some great ideas. Hugs x

  10. I meant to respond to this earlier, but time got away from me! I don’t have any answers to the financing part of IVF, but I will say that as someone who is in the middle of an IVF cycle now, it isn’t that bad. I never thought we would do IVF, and we put any kind of treatment off for a long time. So, on one hand, it isn’t as bad as I made it out to be in my mind, but at the same time, you have to be ready for it. It just has to feel right, I think. Best of luck to you!

    • ok thanks. it’s good to know the consensus out there is IVF isn’t the crazy monster i’m making it out to be, but I should feel ready before beginning.

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