The last couple of days have been rough. I mean, really really rough. I don’t know why exactly, but I’m sure we can all guess! And I have been surprisingly emotional. That’s not like me…maybe because I’m nearing my normal O time and we have to refrain?!? I don’t know. All I know is I’m having a rough time and cried through the last Bitter Infertiles podcast. Please listen. These ladies and your blogs are what have been getting me through every tough time on this journey. Not only are they really smart, but they are HILARIOUS and passionate. I wrote a post on the first leg of my journey so here it is:
Four days away was good for my mind. I spent time laughing and playing with my family. I also spent a good 10 mins discussing the latest development in my IF journey with my aunt (& mom here and there). While sitting on my 6am flight home today, I’ve come to the conclusion about several things: I feel lost, I’m terrified and I want to communicate my need for some type of validation/emotional support from my mom.
I’ve known for so long that I would have a hard time conceiving a child, but somehow this is still unbelievable. I was always the one to babysit my younger sister, cousins, neighborhood children and help in our church’s nursery. I love children and have this innate ability to soothe an upset baby/child and understand their needs. I’m no miracle worker and have had my share of tantrums and inconsolable children to care for. But overall, I have this gift with kids that I fear will never be used with my own children. It’s incomprehensible to me. I have always wanted to be a mom and the thought that I may not be given that gift leaves me feeling fully and completely adrift. I can’t explain how lost I feel. Even though I am solidly anchored to my amazing husband, I feel all alone and have no idea how to handle my feelings and fears. And I am completely overwhelmed by all of the decisions we need to start considering. I may actually never conceive and carry a baby to term without IVF. And if we try that it may not work. Hubster and I have both gotten to the acceptance stage of this journey several times, but for some reason the hope of building our family with only using Clomid as an intervention always pushes it’s way to the front of our hearts. And now that is falling back to it’s tight little corner in the dark recesses again. The fear of IVF is becoming more of a possibility and that scares the shit out of me.
I am scared, people. Hubster and I have already made one decision along the way and that is absolutely forgoing IUI. It’s only partially covered by our insurance and because Hubster’s SA results were stellar both times AND we got pregnant once, we don’t feel the cost outweighs only the 5% increased chance of working. Also if I find out I do have a problem with my stash of eggs, IUI won’t necessarily help get us pregnant. Again, we don’t think it’s worth the cost – both financially and emotionally. This means that further interventions would put us right smack dab into the IVF monster’s lair. I’ve read too much about IVF to not be scared. I’m scared of all of the needle pokes, mood swings, emotions, hope and ultimately the fear of it not working. “Scared” doesn’t begin to describe it, actually. To be honest, I’m terrified of IVF. I think my biggest fear is that it won’t work for me the first time and we’ll have no embryos to freeze. We’ll be 15k in the hole and still have no baby. I know it works sometimes on the first try and that thought is comforting, but I’m still completely petrified we might have to go down that road.
And if we do, I have no idea how we can do that. Hubster and I live in California and are state workers. We make moderate incomes in a state with a pretty high cost of living. Yes, we are fortunate enough to have jobs, bought a home with a mortgage smaller than most people’s rents, have only one small car payment that’s about half paid off and live comfortably, but we by no means have a lot of extra money. We live pretty sensibly and frugally to save a very teeny amount and try to get out f debt. Hubster has always been frugal and saved enough money for half of the entire 20% down payment on our home. When we met I had been laid off from my job and was going back to school. I had taken a year off of work to concentrate on school and was starting to accumulate some debt. Not much, but enough for me to go back to work. During this time, Hubster helped me financially a LOT and began to accumulate some credit card debt. Fast forward 3 ½ years and we are pretty deep in debt with the addition of student loans. We’re currently looking into options for paying down our debt faster so we can save more, but it feels so hopeless sometimes. Add in the thought of IVF and I shudder.
Another thought that makes me shudder is opening up to my mom. Our relationship has been better over the last few months, but that’s also because it’s been so superficial. Which is not how my relationship with my mom has ever been. So this has been something I’ve struggled with. Especially after another great trip with her. She truly has no idea what I’m going through or how to support me. And she doesn’t ask. I used to take that as her disinterest in my journey, but her random questions lately have made me wander. So I was thinking of putting some links together with RESOLVE articles aimed at loved ones of Infertiles and emailing it to her with a short note telling her that I hope she would take the time to read them and talk to me about this journey. But putting myself out there is scary. So we’ll see if I do it. 😉
So that’s where I’m at right now. Tomorrow I fly down to San Diego for a short trip and then I have to get back into the swing of normal life. That should take me to about midway through this cycle. Then with Halloween coming up (possibly hosting a party and baking for our last bake sale) I should skate through to my next baseline without too much anxiety.
As always, thanks for your support and understanding. Feeling alone is so much less lonely having you all along for the ride!