Thank you, Belle, for this Walk to Remember.
I took the Hubster along for my walk. We are in this together. And thanks to Belle’s post about remembering her baby, Hubster now understands how I feel a little bit. And it made him aware of his own sadness for our loss. It’s still different than mine, but he wanted to walk with me in support of my healing and letting go.
We live next to a canal with cemented paths to walk/ride bikes/roller skate on both sides. And trees line both paths. The canal also marks the end of a 3-mile greenbelt. It’s really beautiful and peaceful-even though there is always so much foot traffic on beautiful days like this.
Hubster and I walked the canal and down half of the greenbelt. By the time we reached that point, I was ok and I felt my enormous grief leave. I thought about how unfair it was that our BFP on Farther’s Day was not the end of our infertility road. And how unfair is was that my sweet husband got such a tease that day. I remembered feeling scared to test the day before and then working up the courage to test because I wanted to give that present to Hubster on his day. I think I knew. I remembered seeing the positive and not questioning it right away. I was ecstatic and in love. But then I was scared. Something didn’t feel right about it. I think I knew. The memories were painful, but then I started thinking about life and how different it is for different people. I realized that we are blessed. We were parents for one day. Hubster’s swimmers did their job. My body did what it was supposed to. I now know the joy of being pregnant. Even if it was for one day. If we never get pregnant again, we have at least had a taste of it. And that is something to be celebrated. I know there will always be a little sadness and the memory of standing at my grandfather’s silently telling him that I was pregnant will not fade, but the grief is now gone.
I think I am finally healing and am strong enough to keep going on this journey. Which means I’m not going to pregnant, right? Don’t I always get bad news when I’m feeling positive and super woman strong? Lol! But it’s ok. I will be ok. Hubster will be ok. WE’LL BE OK.