Alright CD1 today. This one marks 13 months since my first Clomid pill. 7 cycles medicated, 6 cycles on break and 1 pregnancy and miscarriage. Also, this is the beginning of the holiday season. I’m feeling pretty down this time…I’m still hopeful, just really sad.
A few hours later….
I’m having a hard time believing everything will be ok. I’m so scared again that we’re never going to have our take-home baby. I am longing to be a mother and I’m terrified that might never happen. I admitted to Hubster tonight that it’s too painful to dream. I can’t even look at Halloween costumes and think about what I want our kids to dress up as. Remember my “if I build it, they will come” theory? It’s gone. Hoping and planning to have babies has finally become too painful. I can’t do it. Pregnancies and babies are too painful for me right now. Even our nephews. It’s not that I’m bitter, I’m just accepting that I might never be a mom. I can’t share this with anyone because the last thing I want to hear right now are stupid things about perseverance, hard work, hope and destiny. And please tell why that is all RESOLVE keeps pinning lately?! I’m tired of it! I’m so angry that this road is so hard. I’m so angry that we’re still here and keep running into the bumps. I wanted CD1 to come so we could just start again, but I’m mad that we have to. We are good people and don’t deserve the extra shit. My husband doesn’t deserve this. I’m so over it.