Alright CD1 today. This one marks 13 months since my first Clomid pill. 7 cycles medicated, 6 cycles on break and 1 pregnancy and miscarriage. Also, this is the beginning of the holiday season. I’m feeling pretty down this time…I’m still hopeful, just really sad.

A few hours later….

I’m having a hard time believing everything will be ok. I’m so scared again that we’re never going to have our take-home baby. I am longing to be a mother and I’m terrified that might never happen. I admitted to Hubster tonight that it’s too painful to dream. I can’t even look at Halloween costumes and think about what I want our kids to dress up as. Remember my “if I build it, they will come” theory? It’s gone. Hoping and planning to have babies has finally become too painful. I can’t do it. Pregnancies and babies are too painful for me right now. Even our nephews. It’s not that I’m bitter, I’m just accepting that I might never be a mom. I can’t share this with anyone because the last thing I want to hear right now are stupid things about perseverance, hard work, hope and destiny. And please tell why that is all RESOLVE keeps pinning lately?! I’m tired of it! I’m so angry that this road is so hard. I’m so angry that we’re still here and keep running into the bumps. I wanted CD1 to come so we could just start again, but I’m mad that we have to. We are good people and don’t deserve the extra shit. My husband doesn’t deserve this. I’m so over it.

12 thoughts on “CD1

  1. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, friend 😦 It just sucks so much, and it’s exhausting to keep dreaming when you don’t know if what you are dreaming will ever become true. And I understand you not wanting to tell anyone–people always try to comfort us by saying that they “just know” that we will have a child, when they cannot know that and it is just mean to say something like that when there is a possibility of it not happening.

  2. Oh honey.. I hear you. Frick, do I ever hear you. I don’t know how many times I have sobbed and proclaimed that I wish this was easier- for me and for everyone I know and love who is trying to start or expand their family. Ugh.

    This roller coaster up and down with hope and dispair is exhausting- and for me it’s unavoidable. It doesn’t seem to matter how much energy I put into detaching from the process to try not to get my hopes up, I am still deeply hopeful as I was the follies grow and then devestated when cd1 appears.

    You are not alone. You are loved and supported. You WILL have your Lil pirate, pumpkin, goblin, princess,…. Etc. I will hold onto this truth in my heart until you can see it again and hold it for youself.

  3. Sending lots of hugs your way. There is no way about it…this journey sucks. Just this morning I said to my husband “Am I really going to be okay?”

  4. Oh, sweetheart, I am so, so sorry. I know this feeling very well. It’s so unfair and neither of you deserve to go through this. You may be losing hope, but I have not lost it for you. I believe you will have your baby and we are all here to lift you up and have hope for you until you can hope again. XO

  5. I hear you, sister. This interminable process is awful. I often look at people and wonder, “What’s it like to just have it? To just get what you want?” It is a mystery to me. I hope you can find some distraction today.

  6. So sorry you are feeling this way! I have been feeling the same way (and yesterday was also CD1 for me!) I’m really hoping and praying that all of us in the blogging community get our take home babies soon!

  7. CD1 for me as well and i am feeling the same way. It has been an emotional last couple of days i knew it was coming and hated it. But i see it two ways we stop trying or keep on trying, you have come so far to give up so keep trying and know we are here for you.

  8. I’m sorry I missed this earlier, but I totally get it. I was always depressed at the start of CD 1 and wondering if it was worth it, wondering how much more we could take, wondering if I still had it in my to try. HUGS

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