I’m finally done. Your love and support has kept me comforted this weekend, even when I was completely lost. But now I just can’t take anymore emotional upheaval. I feel so broken. For myself, for dear IRL friends and for those of you here in Blogland who are suffering.
It’s not fair that we aren’t parents right now. It’s not fair that we can’t even effing try right now. Hubster wants to try even though the doctor said no and I’m tempted. But I feel like shit these days. Bloated, nauseous, irritable and have headaches that come and go. Did I mention I’m on CD7? So weird and so not cool.
I feel so empty and distraught. The latest Bitter Infertiles episode hit the nail on the head. All of these months of waiting to try have been torture because I want this emptiness gone. I want the joy of pregnancy back. I want it for longer than one day. I don’t want what I experienced as my only BFP story. I want my husband and I to have our happy ending. Why is that too much?!
It is so painful to know that we yearn for something so natural but have to work so hard to get only possibly get. And to know that we would be such great parents, both individually and as a team, but that we may never actually be parents. That shit is ripping my heart out.
Every month that we sit out, is another month that we’re not pregnant. Every month we’re not pregnant adds to the many months before it. And every month brings new BFPs. Those BFPs bring new feelings of joy, jealousy, hope and despair. This journey is definitely not for the faint of heart and can break even the strongest of us.
I can’t do this right now. I am so broken. All of the scary news, good news and bad news happening is too much. My life is a crazzzzzzy rat race again and I can’t handle crazzzzzzy emotions on top of it.
I’m signing off from my blog for a little bit and will be archiving all of my emails with your new posts until I can deal again. But please feel free to email me if you need to for any reason! I don’t want to sever ties, I just need a break from the hundreds (so dramatic) of blogs I read.