I’m finally done. Your love and support has kept me comforted this weekend, even when I was completely lost. But now I just can’t take anymore emotional upheaval. I feel so broken. For myself, for dear IRL friends and for those of you here in Blogland who are suffering.

It’s not fair that we aren’t parents right now. It’s not fair that we can’t even effing try right now. Hubster wants to try even though the doctor said no and I’m tempted. But I feel like shit these days. Bloated, nauseous, irritable and have headaches that come and go. Did I mention I’m on CD7? So weird and so not cool.

I feel so empty and distraught. The latest Bitter Infertiles episode hit the nail on the head. All of these months of waiting to try have been torture because I want this emptiness gone. I want the joy of pregnancy back. I want it for longer than one day. I don’t want what I experienced as my only BFP story. I want my husband and I to have our happy ending. Why is that too much?!

It is so painful to know that we yearn for something so natural but have to work so hard to get only possibly get. And to know that we would be such great parents, both individually and as a team, but that we may never actually be parents. That shit is ripping my heart out.

Every month that we sit out, is another month that we’re not pregnant. Every month we’re not pregnant adds to the many months before it. And every month brings new BFPs. Those BFPs bring new feelings of joy, jealousy, hope and despair. This journey is definitely not for the faint of heart and can break even the strongest of us.

I can’t do this right now. I am so broken. All of the scary news, good news and bad news happening is too much. My life is a crazzzzzzy rat race again and I can’t handle crazzzzzzy emotions on top of it.

I’m signing off from my blog for a little bit and will be archiving all of my emails with your new posts until I can deal again. But please feel free to email me if you need to for any reason! I don’t want to sever ties, I just need a break from the hundreds (so dramatic) of blogs I read.

14 thoughts on “Broken

  1. I’m sorry that this is so hard. I understand the emotions of dealing with the BFPs and taking on other people’s emotions, both good and bad. It’s smart of you to know yourself and to know when you need to take a step back.

  2. I’m so sorry. I had to take a long break from blogging too and couldn’t even read a single pregnancy blog…it was all just too painful. Stepping away was so healthy for me and really helped me to refocus myself and my priorities. My heart is with you! I am sooo hoping for you.

  3. Oh, sweetie, this royally sucks, doesn’t it? I’m so sorry that you’re suffering in such a deep way. My heart goes out to you and I just wish we could all give you a big IRL hug right now. Take all the time you need to gather, renew, and heal yourself. I hope you’re able to find peace and new hope. Please be well, friend. We’ll all be waiting when you return.

  4. While I selfishly will miss your awesome posts, stellar energy, and all that you bring to this community, I totally support you in your need to take a breather from all of this blog business. It can all get very overwhelming. Take care of yourself, m’dear. Don’t hesitate to get in touch if you need anything.

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