CD2 and anxious/hopeful/terrified/calm

What the WHAT?!? Only during infertility can you feel such a range of mixed and conflicting emotions at once lol!!!

So let’s break it down. I’ve gotten too comfortable in my despair and pessimism. For the last two months I have honestly felt like this last cyst was a sign that we won’t ever be parents. Yes, in my crazy head the CYST was a SIGN. And I have been depressed, melancholy and the most bitter I have ever been. So much so that Hubster was sad that infertility seemed to be turning me into a different person. And not in a good way. I wasn’t becoming stronger anymore. I was hopeless and resentful. And you all know that’s not ME. It’s a rough person to be. It’s scary to see yourself morphing into a person you don’t like and then even more frightening to see your HUSBAND scared of the person you’re turning into. But want to know what’s even more scary than that? Feeling okay with it. Ultimately, I justified how I was feeling and embraced this new “me.” I think I decided that sweet, caring, understanding Stork was unfairly shat on I was over being the world’s doormat.

Not only did I become this ugly person, but I also stopped caring about my body. I mean, hell, all of the vitamins, supplements, clean eating and exercising got me ONE FAILED PREGNANCY and PAINFUL CYSTS TWICE. So I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about the food I consumed, working out regularly, and taking my prenatals, DHEA and Pregnitude. I even stopped taking my Singulair and going to acupuncture. So dumb.

Here’s something that totally spoke to me:






But I’ve changed my outlook and started becoming healthier again. I started my new job on Monday and it was exactly what I needed. Work that is interesting and that I’m passionate about gave me the hope for my life that I have so desperately needed. I am working for our state’s Victim Compensation program in the mental health section. I am helping people in a way that I have missed for about 3 1/2 years. It’s challenging as an infertile to read about child abuse/neglect cases day in and day out, but most of the parents that come across my desk love their kids and want to protect and care for them the way I would want to. That’s inspiring to me.

Here’s another lil something that put life into perspective for me last week:





I feel like women especially need to be reminded of all of the amazing qualities posses. We are so many great things bundled into one and as a person, I AM ENOUGH. I am wonderful the way I am and don’t need to be any more than I am. I feel like such a burden has been lifted now.

Then I also went for a few runs. Man those feel amazing. It’s pure euphoria even though it’s hard right now. To feel my body being pushed and accepting the challenges I present it is truly something amazing.

Here’s another lil mantra to live by:






I’ve been feeling good the last few days, minus a little sister drama over Thanksgiving, but now the infertility anxiety is slowly popping up. CD1 was pretty uneventful. However, as I write out my tentative calendar for this cycle, all of the memories of all of the failed cycles before are flooding back to my consciousness. And the fear that the last year of medicated cycles being a total waste (I know, I know…they aren’t really wasted, but you know that they kind of are) is a reality. I may not actually have my take-home baby one day.

So I’m clinging to this last reminder:





Thanks for hanging with me everyone. And you will be rewarded. Send me an email ( and tomorrow I’ll give you the info for the airing of our home remodel. πŸ™‚

21 thoughts on “CD2 and anxious/hopeful/terrified/calm

  1. So glad you are feeling more like yourself! Infertility all too often beats us to the ground, trying to own us and steal from us the very essence of who we are. Sounds like you have found your inner strength again and are OWNING it! Way to go! So proud of you! Here’s to high hopes and good outcomes for this cycle!

  2. You are more than enough…you are a survivor in a battle that no one aknowledges happens to so many woman. You get up every day, you carry on with your life and more importantly – YOU TRY AGAIN! Yes,you have had your pain and your failures but the very fact that you do try again just shows that you are stronger than you realise. I really hope this cycle works for you!

  3. Hubby had to have more than one conversation with me about infertility’s effects on me. More than once I became a withdrawn, sad and bitter person that was totally different from the person that I usually am. Eventually I was able to find myself again before we attempted our IVF cycle. Infertility can sure suck the life out of you – I am glad you are feeling more like yourself lately. HUGS.

    • Omg thank you for this. I have been replaying the words about your husband having that talk with you. It’s not fun for anyone, but much needed. Even though the feeling is understandable. You have no idea how relieved I was to read this comment. Love you and your little wittle babes!

  4. I’m so happy to hear that the fog of bitterness that infertility can sometimes put us in is lifting for you. For the record, I think it’s completely okay (and understandable) to feel that way sometimes, but there is a time when it can start to control you and change who you fundamentally are and that’s not good for anybody. I’m glad you’ve found a job that fulfills you and that you are getting back to normal. Hugs and love to you!

  5. Oh all those feels are so hard especially when you are dealing with them all at once!! Love love love that top quote, I feel like I need to print it out and hang it next to my bed…thinking of you as you start again…

  6. OH MY GOD. I think we lived the same few months. I did the exact same thing. I chucked every good habit and healthy stress buster out the window and turned to wine and work. BAD.

    I’m also back to my old habits and I agree: running does make life better. Every time I head out I think: why did I stop? Oh, because I was punishing myself because I was mad/sad…. that’s why.

    Glad I’m not the only one on the crazy train sometimes and even more glad you’re back to a healthy routine.

    • Actually, I thought about you on my last run. Remembering how hard it was for you to limit yourself made me push myself. Thanks. And a huge thanks for not making me feel like a selfish loser for being so bad recently!

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