What the WHAT?!? Only during infertility can you feel such a range of mixed and conflicting emotions at once lol!!!
So let’s break it down. I’ve gotten too comfortable in my despair and pessimism. For the last two months I have honestly felt like this last cyst was a sign that we won’t ever be parents. Yes, in my crazy head the CYST was a SIGN. And I have been depressed, melancholy and the most bitter I have ever been. So much so that Hubster was sad that infertility seemed to be turning me into a different person. And not in a good way. I wasn’t becoming stronger anymore. I was hopeless and resentful. And you all know that’s not ME. It’s a rough person to be. It’s scary to see yourself morphing into a person you don’t like and then even more frightening to see your HUSBAND scared of the person you’re turning into. But want to know what’s even more scary than that? Feeling okay with it. Ultimately, I justified how I was feeling and embraced this new “me.” I think I decided that sweet, caring, understanding Stork was unfairly shat on I was over being the world’s doormat.
Not only did I become this ugly person, but I also stopped caring about my body. I mean, hell, all of the vitamins, supplements, clean eating and exercising got me ONE FAILED PREGNANCY and PAINFUL CYSTS TWICE. So I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about the food I consumed, working out regularly, and taking my prenatals, DHEA and Pregnitude. I even stopped taking my Singulair and going to acupuncture. So dumb.
But I’ve changed my outlook and started becoming healthier again. I started my new job on Monday and it was exactly what I needed. Work that is interesting and that I’m passionate about gave me the hope for my life that I have so desperately needed. I am working for our state’s Victim Compensation program in the mental health section. I am helping people in a way that I have missed for about 3 1/2 years. It’s challenging as an infertile to read about child abuse/neglect cases day in and day out, but most of the parents that come across my desk love their kids and want to protect and care for them the way I would want to. That’s inspiring to me.
I feel like women especially need to be reminded of all of the amazing qualities posses. We are so many great things bundled into one and as a person, I AM ENOUGH. I am wonderful the way I am and don’t need to be any more than I am. I feel like such a burden has been lifted now.
Then I also went for a few runs. Man those feel amazing. It’s pure euphoria even though it’s hard right now. To feel my body being pushed and accepting the challenges I present it is truly something amazing.
I’ve been feeling good the last few days, minus a little sister drama over Thanksgiving, but now the infertility anxiety is slowly popping up. CD1 was pretty uneventful. However, as I write out my tentative calendar for this cycle, all of the memories of all of the failed cycles before are flooding back to my consciousness. And the fear that the last year of medicated cycles being a total waste (I know, I know…they aren’t really wasted, but you know that they kind of are) is a reality. I may not actually have my take-home baby one day.
Thanks for hanging with me everyone. And you will be rewarded. Send me an email (firstname.lastname@example.org) and tomorrow I’ll give you the info for the airing of our home remodel. 🙂