I’ve been keeping a pretty positive attitude this cycle. It’s partly due to my fabulous new job that I love. Yes, reading police/CPS reports about child abuse everyday as an Infertile BLOWS, but overall I really love it. I have even befriended the giant pregnant lady. It helps to know she’s in her late 30s and actively tried for her baby. I don’t know anymore than that, but it helps to know she didn’t accidentally get knocked up at age 22. Anyway I have even been OK with being in the convos about her pregnancy and everyone’s stories about giving birth. By some miracle, my heart and sanity has been left completely intact during those talks. But I found my breaking point. I have never asked her due date, which is odd. Everyone (me included) always asks that question. Well 3 weeks after I started my dream job I now feel like I can’t go back.
A coworker asked her when she is due and she said March 8th. Fuck. Knife to the heart. If my first pregnancy had continued, I would have been due March 2nd. So now I will have a daily reminder of what my body should have looked like right now. I have a daily reminder of what I should be feeling and complaining about. I have a daily reminder of all the things I should be worrying about and doing to prepare for the arrival of a baby. As if that’s not bad enough, I have to throw a baby shower for her when I should have been attending my own. Fuck.
I will get pregnant with my take-home baby this month right? Haven’t I earned it?!?