Ugh. I bring you my birthday, with a side of yummy marriage talk.

Lame title, I know. But my “Happy Birthday to Me” title was misleading. Today I turned 32. And this was the first time I was sad about my birthday.

I’m sad that I’m nearing my mid-30s and I’m not any closer to starting our family. If anything, I almost feel like we’re 2 steps back. I know I’m being dramatic, but I’m sure you guys get it.

Especially because this month I had two positive pregnancy tests and the next day it was negative. Sound familiar? Well it should. This exact same thing happened in June. When I had the empty sac. Or blighted ovum. Or even an anembryonic pregnancy. Whatever you want to call it, my miracle pregnancy lasted all of a few days.

And now it seems like history is repeating itself. The other two tell-tale signs are the lack of new giant pimples and my monthly fight with Hubster. We fight once per month, EVERY month. Except in June. And except this month. How heartbreaking it is to wish with all my might I had at least one massive eruption on my face and one in our home.

I haven’t peed on anymore things or taken a blood test because I have been shaken to my core and can’t bear the thought of any positive or negative results. I can’t.

But some good has come from this. We had a short trip to the coast planned, for either healing or celebration. Thank g-d for this. Hubster and I spent a few hours crying, holding each other and TALKING.

He has finally accepted our journey and was also really scared about what might never be. As hard as it was, I remained strong for him. It was his turn to break down because I never give him the chance. Then we took turns. It was so painfully sad, but our marriage needed this. Our love and commitment to each other reached new depths that night.

We are in this together. All the way.

My husband has never showed how much he really loves me until this trip. After all the crying and talking was done, we played mini golf in the drizzly rain. In the dark. And he kept laughing at my shenanigans. This man is funny. I am not. But that night he was absolutely tickled by me. I felt like a million bucks.

And the next (SUNNY) day, he kept taking pictures of me and us. He oozed love for me and I was on top of the world.

So even though this birthday was really bad timing, I was ok today. Partly due to the fact that Hubster is going to pursue a career in law enforcement (yikes!!!) and a birth from this pregnancy would be in the middle of his academy.

So I’m scared more now than ever before, but I know that in the end we’ll be great. Why so scared? Well I’m scared I will never carry to term. And because my manager used to be an adoptions social worker, I’m scared that she was placed in my life to help us through that process. Meaning we won’t make little Hubster/Stork kiddies. Or she could just be the one to point me in the direction of chiropractic care. Lol

But that’s all I have. And sorry for being such a shitty commenter. Chrome on my phone has decided to erase my comments as I’m nearing the end of my long-winded thoughts and I can’t bear the thought of retyping. I am reading and commenting in my mind. I promise to get better.

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17 thoughts on “Ugh. I bring you my birthday, with a side of yummy marriage talk.

  1. Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now, for the fear, for the uncertainty of a BFP-turned-BFN, for everything. I feel for you. But it does make me happy to hear that you are feeling so loved by your hubs and that you are facing this birthday with a sense of strength. You ARE strong. You WILL get through this. It WILL be okay, somehow. Many, many hugs to you, friend.

  2. Oh sweetie, what an epically shitty bad day. I’m so, so, so sorry for another repeat month. Life is so unfair. I AM glad that you and hubster had a chance to sit down and cry it out and then rediscover all the wonderful things about one another. That is so important and something so many of us forget to do without a therapist saying, “Hey, you guys over there, LOVE each other!” I think that this is an amazing testament to your marriage and should give you faith that you will make it to the other side. Take all the time you need to come back to commenting. xoxo

  3. Turning 32 without the BFP your looking for is a shitty thing to go through and Im so sorry you had to experience it. I do however think its great that you and Hubby got to spend some time talking and it takes a strong couple to go through something like this. Im so happy your feeling the love from him,you deserve it.

    • Thank you! Yes, I really think a strong marriage is so important to get through this. And infertility is WHY we work so hard at it. So in a way, I’m grateful to be on this journey.

  4. One, you and your husband are adorable. I’m a little in love with you as a couple and it is entirely possible that you will wake up one day and find me sleeping in your bamboo closet.

    Two, good on you for being strong for him for a bit so he could let some shit out. That is a tough, tough thing to do.

    Third, excuse me very much but you tickle me quite a bit.

    • 1. Don’t tease me that way! 2. It actually wasn’t that hard. I mostly felt like an ass because this has only happened one other time. I’m a selfish B. 3. No need to be excused. I’m glad! 🙂

      Sent from my Samsung Galaxy II

  5. Oh, well, crap. I’m so sorry to hear that you are having a repeat of June. And I understand entirely the fear of do-I-or-don’t-I pee again… you want to know and yet… you don’t.

    I am bouyed to hear what a wonderful time you had with your husband. Those moments where everything just seems to click are worth their weight in gold.

  6. Hey Mrs I am so sorry, this is so hard on you. I am so glad that you had a good talk with the Hubs, your marriage is so important and you are in this together, it’s so easy to forget when you’re wading through shit all the time.

    Happy belated birthday! And here’s to a better 2013 for us both!

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