Ugh. I bring you my birthday, with a side of yummy marriage talk.

Lame title, I know. But my “Happy Birthday to Me” title was misleading. Today I turned 32. And this was the first time I was sad about my birthday.

I’m sad that I’m nearing my mid-30s and I’m not any closer to starting our family. If anything, I almost feel like we’re 2 steps back. I know I’m being dramatic, but I’m sure you guys get it.

Especially because this month I had two positive pregnancy tests and the next day it was negative. Sound familiar? Well it should. This exact same thing happened in June. When I had the empty sac. Or blighted ovum. Or even an anembryonic pregnancy. Whatever you want to call it, my miracle pregnancy lasted all of a few days.

And now it seems like history is repeating itself. The other two tell-tale signs are the lack of new giant pimples and my monthly fight with Hubster. We fight once per month, EVERY month. Except in June. And except this month. How heartbreaking it is to wish with all my might I had at least one massive eruption on my face and one in our home.

I haven’t peed on anymore things or taken a blood test because I have been shaken to my core and can’t bear the thought of any positive or negative results. I can’t.

But some good has come from this. We had a short trip to the coast planned, for either healing or celebration. Thank g-d for this. Hubster and I spent a few hours crying, holding each other and TALKING.

He has finally accepted our journey and was also really scared about what might never be. As hard as it was, I remained strong for him. It was his turn to break down because I never give him the chance. Then we took turns. It was so painfully sad, but our marriage needed this. Our love and commitment to each other reached new depths that night.

We are in this together. All the way.

My husband has never showed how much he really loves me until this trip. After all the crying and talking was done, we played mini golf in the drizzly rain. In the dark. And he kept laughing at my shenanigans. This man is funny. I am not. But that night he was absolutely tickled by me. I felt like a million bucks.

And the next (SUNNY) day, he kept taking pictures of me and us. He oozed love for me and I was on top of the world.

So even though this birthday was really bad timing, I was ok today. Partly due to the fact that Hubster is going to pursue a career in law enforcement (yikes!!!) and a birth from this pregnancy would be in the middle of his academy.

So I’m scared more now than ever before, but I know that in the end we’ll be great. Why so scared? Well I’m scared I will never carry to term. And because my manager used to be an adoptions social worker, I’m scared that she was placed in my life to help us through that process. Meaning we won’t make little Hubster/Stork kiddies. Or she could just be the one to point me in the direction of chiropractic care. Lol

But that’s all I have. And sorry for being such a shitty commenter. Chrome on my phone has decided to erase my comments as I’m nearing the end of my long-winded thoughts and I can’t bear the thought of retyping. I am reading and commenting in my mind. I promise to get better.