Nope, I don’t know what cycle day I’m on. I know, this is mind-blowing. But I can’t help it. Every cycle I become more removed and less invested. I think I might be done ya’ll. My heart and head are already starting the process of grieving bio children. I know, I know, I know. We’re not done yet and we’ll keep trying, but I have given up. Full-heartedly given up. My eyes are now welling up with tears because I’m finally being honest with myself.
I actually hoped I had a cyst this month. At first I thought I was crazy, but then I realized it’s because I’m terribly afraid. I am terribly afraid of more heartache this month. Especially after last month. That was a doozy I’d rather not experience ever again. So that makes me afraid. Not just to hope, but to get pregnant. I am TERRIFIED of another positive line so as of right now (because we all know I’m an addict and will probably forget all about the coming statement next week) I am planning on not testing unless my period is 3 days late. The longest it’s been is 2 days late so 3 days should be good. Then no more questions (HOPEFULLY!) like last month. You guys, I never even asked for a beta because I didn’t want them to tell me a number less than 5 again.
My heart is so broken. For me, for my wonderful husband, for the biological children we may never have. My heart aches for that pregnancy joy I had for such a short time. My heart is torn apart from trying so hard and being so disappointed.
And I am so tired of pretending. I am not okay. And I can’t cry to people and tell them my fears because it makes them uncomfortable. They love me and want everything to be okay for me and there is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. So I don’t even bother anymore. I have been telling people of our plan to start the adoption process next year and I have people telling me they just know we won’t have to do that because we’ll get pregnant this month and then in the next breath it’s all about how wonderful adoption is and we should just adopt a little girl from China (I really really want a little Chinese girl with little eyes like my husband’s), like it’s so easy. Then I explain the average costs (which I have been researching because while our plan is to go the foster-adopt route, I still want my little girl from China) of international and domestic adoption and then there’s lightbulb about why we don’t just adopt from foster care! So I say that’s our plan and then I get to hear the rants and raves about the foster care system.
But I can’t say that because they truly love me and want us to be parents and wish we weren’t having such a shitty time. So now YOU get to hear my crazy rant. 😉
But seriously, how am I supposed to keep doing this shit?
And that question makes me feel like an idiot. I do it just like I do every month. I just do it. Just like all of your do after all the shit. We all just do it. It’s amazing to be in the company of so many strong women that continue to inspire me daily. Thanks for sharing your strength. I really need it now. Because I just don’t know how to keep going like this.
And sorry for all the ramblings. I promise my next post will be more organized, clear and well thought out. I just had people texting me and Hubster asking why I’m crying and then telling me to try to not be upset because he caught the last part of the Bitter Infertiles’ last episode about depression hurting your chances of conceiving. He’s convinced they weren’t talking about actual depression, but sadness. So he doesn’t want me to be sad. FML. Right when I think he’s got it all figured out, something like THAT comes out. lol But I will have to check their blog and clarify what the therapist meant.