Hello Fellow Infertiles Whom I have Missed So Much

I am happy to report I am alive and well. I am in a surprisingly good place right now. In my last post I talked about the fact that I avoid the really bad shit and that’s what I’ve been doing. I have been focusing on work, RUNNING, Hubster, friends and relaxing. And in the midst of all that I have begun to deal and, most importantly, heal. So now I’m able to come back and be a part of this community again.

Reading your posts about getting closer to building your families through new BFPs, adoption prep and reaching viability have helped me. It’s giving me hope that one day we will join those ranks with you. (Sorry Blogspot peeps, but my work computer blocks blogs and my phone hates Blogspot so it’s really hard to follow you right this moment.)

Work has also helped me cut through my fears of future adopted children not being accepted by our loved ones and grieving the loss of hoping/planning/wishing for bio kids. I have been so terrified of those things that I was sinking with despair at the thought of building our family through foster-adopt. However, reading crime reports of child abuse and neglect day after day and seeing how that affects the children’s mental health finally made me a true mom.

I am not nearly as afraid anymore if that’s how we build our family. Rather, I am excited about the prospect! I consider it an honor to have the opportunity to help children out of their sad, terrifying and dangerous situations and give them a loving, healthy and stable life.

In fact, I hope that will be how we build our family. I’m so tired of the infertility game. I’m so tired of not planning vacations, wine tastings and workouts in the future because I don’t know if I’ll be pregnant. I’m tired of the monthly rollercoaster of hoping, lying to myself and heartbreak month after month after g-d@mn month. I’m so over it.

So this past month, Hubster and I have been getting accustomed to life WTTC (Without Trying To Conceive). We’ve been eating healthier, planning house projects and enjoying spontaneous Sexytime. Hubster and I are also planning a possible cruise to Bermuda and NYC trip, if the free bedroom remodel doesn’t kill us financially this tax season.

I don’t keep track of my cycle and actually have to consult a calendar to figure out where I’m at. Instead I’ve been obsessively researching the law enforc.ement agency Hubster is going through recruitment with. He is on phase 3 (out of 6 or 7?!) of the process and it’s the most intense one. I am really proud of him for getting this far and he seems really prepared so I think he will do just fine. The aca.demy is tentatively scheduled for September and is 6 months. I’ve never wanted to date or marry a cop, but I really hope he makes it in. It will be really good for him and, ultimately, for our family.

I have also been training to run my first marathon. I am in Week 4 of 18 and feeling great! My long runs are on Saturdays and this week is an actually long run – NINE (9) MILES! A friend of mine started training a little before me so she’s on TEN (10) MILES this week and I’ve decided to join her. It’s been 3 years since I’ve run 10 miles. But I’m pumped and excited for it. This will also be my first week hitting 20 miles in one week. So I feel really god. Really really good.

AND I have a girls’ wine tasting in a week and a trip to Vegas in March!

With my marathon taking place in May and Hubster possibly living somewhere else for 6 months we are not TTC until this summer. Our “few month” break has turned into almost 6 months! So late-May I’ll switch to a gluten/dairy-free diet, start taking DHEA & Pregnitude daily again, go back to weekly (instead of monthly) acupuncture appointments and resume drinking my daily cup of fertili-tea until either Hubster is out of the acad.emy or a different mutually agreed-upon time. I may also see a Chinese herbalist while I’m down in L.A.  in June. But we still won’t schedule Sexytime ever again, use OPKs and I may not go back for actual fertility treatments. I just don’t know that I can handle that emotionally or physically anymore.

Strangely though, I’m on CD23 today, I am a little sad that my face isn’t erupting with giant new pimples, I’m slightly crampy, I haven’t felt electricity in my labia and I haven’t started gaining an enormous amount of weight. All my signs of pregnancy are hiding from me. That’s not the strange part. The strange part is I’m only a little sad.

As much as I want to be pregnant and have a baby, I’m glad that I can still do all the things I have planned. I want to live as much as possible before we half jump back on the roller coaster and before we start the foster-adopt process. Putting my life on hold with no child to reward or sacrifices with is devastating. Even though I knew what we were getting into when I took my last BCP, I didn’t believe that almost two years later we still wouldn’t have a child. We have reeeally lived in our short 4 1/2 year relationship, but putting your life on hold for this long for what feels like nothing kind of puts things in perspective. I no longer want to say “no” to anything I want to do unless I have a baby bump.

So, yes, getting pregnant is worth cheering my friends on through the marathon from the sidelines and going on a sober Vegas trip, but man I am enjoying the thought of crossing that finish line (in under 4:30 hopefully lol!) and going wild in Vegas with my best ladies!

Oh and because I can’t part without talking my ute, I’ll fill you in on a perplexing matter. I went in for what I thought was going to be a saline hysteroscopy, but was just having a doctor (who we LOVED) put some saline in my vag while doing an U/S. IT WAS SURPSINGLY PAINLESS!! He also saw the thing that looked like it could be either a blood clot or polyp. He also thought it was weird and leaned towards ruling out “blood clot” because that ____ (whatever it is) has shown up on every U/S in the same spot for months. Since the saline made it move around, but not push through, the doc is leaning more towards “polyp.” Even though it didn’t behave much like a polyp either. So now when my next cycle starts, I’ll be scheduled for an actual saline hysteroscopy and hopefully they will know definitively what the hell is in my ute!

Again, le sigh.

13 thoughts on “Hello Fellow Infertiles Whom I have Missed So Much

  1. Yay running! I love running! All the stuff going on in life has kept me from doing it for the past month, but you’ve inspired me to start back. I’m going to get back to it tomorrow morning!

    I hope they find out what has invaded your ute soon! It sucks when the doctors can’t give you a clear answer.

  2. I’ve missed hearing from you, girlfriend! And I’m so glad to hear that you’re healing and in a better place. I know this journey is not easy, but if you can find ways to enjoy life through it, it does tend to make it a bit *easier.* I’m still hoping for you, love. I know that somehow, some way, your baby is going to find you!

  3. That all sounds like a lot of great stuff you are doing. Good on you my friend. I am fed up with a life on hold as well and I plan to make lots of plans for fun things this year too. Here’s to living the life we have RIGHT NOW, cheers!

  4. Oh you’re training for a marathon! Let me tell you that the training gets old, and the race is hard, but crossing the finish line is more than incredible. You are doing something that not many people in the world do! I am super excited for you – please let me know if you have any questions. It’s awesome that you’re taking your life back – being a slave to infertility is so stressful. Post more about your runs! I want to read!!

  5. I *LOVE* that you are living it up right now and taking time to heal and find out what purpose there is to life even when not TTC! I did the same thing last year – ran a full marathon, took a girls trip (to Mexico), drank like a fish, went skydiving, etc… and ended up pregnant! It could be a fluke, but I think letting go of the day-to-day obsession with TTC really helped. And even if it hadn’t helped, I found myself actually enjoying my life for a change, so it would have been worth it anyway! HAVE FUN, and good luck with your long run tomorrow!

  6. I think this break sounds like it is doing great things for you and your marriage. I ran a half marathon (kudos to you for doing a full!) right as we were getting initial infertility testing done and it was definitely helpful to keep my mind off my biggest fears.

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