“Keep Going…”

This is my life mantra, as well as the next tattoo I’m getting. It applies to every aspect of my life – whether it be infertility, running, work stress, marriage, etc. My mantra has been ignored a lot lately and today a RadioLab podcast brought it front and center to stare me right in the eyes.

I have not been bitter or depressed much about our family expansion situation lately. I’ve pretty much been ignoring it. Except father’s Day, that was rough. But more on that later. As we all know, I choose the avoidance route whenever possible and that’s how I’ve been “dealing” with our infertility.

But along with avoiding, I’ve been wondering if I really do want children after all and if in fact my lot in life is to not be a mother. Is everything conspiring against us and my running is taking off now because we’re not meant to have kids?

And have I been secretly ok with not being pregnant yet because I’m too selfish to be a mom? Honestly, I’ve been more anxious and excited to find out if I got in to my next marathon than if I got pregnant this cycle. Does this mean I don’t want it as much as all the others fighting hard to build a family? And if I don’t, is that why this isn’t happening for us?

But then I listened to RadioLab’s podcast “24 weeks 6 days.” Check it out you guys. It was so moving. I’ll look for the link to the podcast and the article that started it all. Anyway, it reminded me how much I want to be a mom. More than anything, I want to raise children with my husband. And I learned that my ambivalence and doubt was due to my intense fear of hoping and heartbreak. Then a woman walking down the street with 6 kids struck me. She asked for the $7 she was short to rent a hotel room as they were homeless and I told her I don’t carry cash out of habit (I rarely hand out cash but if I’m near food I’ll order something to go for panhandlers or give them my leftovers) and immediately felt huge guilt. Like I was so disgusted with myself. Her situation with all of those kids broke my already bruised heart. So when I got to my car I pulled a ten-dollar bill out of my wallet and drove back to her. I asked her to please find help and take good care of herself and her babies. She thanked me profusely and had her very obedient children Thank me. It broke my heart you guys. And solidified my resolve to grow a family.

Back to father’s Day real quick. It broke my heart to think of my wonderful husband never becoming a daddy. As the day approached, I just knew that no matter how cruel and unfair god seems to be at times, there was no way he could deprive my sweet husband the opportunity to be a father anymore than he could deny this world a mini-Hubster. There is too much bad it needs the goodness that would be Hubster’s child.

So I started to hope again.

But I quickly forgot that hope and didn’t pay attention to my cycle or prepare for TTC this month. I forgot to take any supplements until CD3. My CM was awful last month and I waited until CD8 to check it. I haven’t been counting days at alland now I realize why.

But now that my eyes have been opened, I have decided to hold even more firm to my mantra. I’ll be getting my tattoo this weekend because I need the reminder to keep going while running and as the first of my 2ww comes to an end. I’m not going to be obsessive though.

Baaaahahaha!!!! We’ll see about that.

Oh and I’m very undecided about which marathon training plan to follow. I’ve started one, but I may change to a different one July 1st. But that’s for a different post.

Sigh. Adulthood requires too many decisions!!!!!

12 thoughts on ““Keep Going…”

  1. I’m always hoping for you, friend, whether you allow yourself to hope or not. You AND your hubby are both so wonderful; this world could definitely use a mini version of either of you. 🙂 Fingers are crossed so tightly!

  2. What an honest post. I can relate. You shouldn’t feel selfish for wanting a full life. I try not to centre my whole life around TTC if I can. It also keeps your relationship stronger by focussing on other priorities. Good luck!!

  3. I’ll keep the hope going for you, sweetie! You do want to be a mother and you are meant to be one and you will make an awesome mother one day. Your hubby will be an awesome father too. I’ve got my fingers crossed that you’ll get to see what awesome parents you can be one day soon!

  4. These thoughts, all so normal. Sometimes you just HAVE to step away from TTC and refocus otherwise your sanity will take a hike. I think this is what you have been doing. Not avoiding. Not wanting enough. Just taking some time. I have had the joy and honor of meeting you and your husband in person and you are awesome people who are going to make amazing parents.

    Also, so many amazing things in my life have come from Radio Lab. 🙂 xoxo

  5. As I said before (and I am always correct ;-)) it is just shit luck that is the reason you’re not yet a mum, not because you don’t want it enough or because you want to achieve things and have fun, travel, run etc. You are awesome.

  6. Please post a tattoo pic!! And wanting to participate in another marathon does NOT make you not want to be a mom any less. It just helps you maintain your sanity.

  7. My guess? You’re “secretly okay with not being pregnant yet” for a good reason. Acceptance. Not acceptance of childlessness necessarily buy acceptance of infertility. Taking a break from fighting it is totally cool. It doesn’t mean you don’t WANT to be a mom, just that you’re okay with the fact that it isn’t going to happen the way you’d like and that your spirit needs to heal by concentrating on other things right now. Not a bad thing if you ask me, my dear.

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