How Infertility Kills Even the Sweetest Joys

Hubster and I were fortunate enough to have my nephew stay with us for a week. We had so much fun with such a sharp and funny little kid. But to be honest, I think we kind of used this time to practice parenthood. We set limits on his Kindle/TV time, ate balanced meals at the dinner table, invoked dinner table rules (no TV, petting the dogs or leaving until everyone wad finished eating) and backed each other up when he tried to get different answers out of us. We planned fun activities and play dates with my friend’s kids and felt really good about being parents in the future.

Then the day we were handing him off to my parents, reality hit us. We’re not even remotely close to being parents. And our house would soon be empty-ish and quiet-ish again. And that was sad. For me and for Hubster. He even broke down and cried a little bit. That killed me. It made me dread next summers visit from my nephew.

This man needs to be a daddy. And he deserves to be one. I need to be a mommy. I don’t understand how God can lay the desire to be parents so heavy on our hearts and not give it to us. I can sort of understand how trials can be given to us to strengthen us, but not this. This is different. Yet somehow I have faith in God’s timing and prayed the other night about it. I don’t understand it but now I have some peace about it.

And then I got the gnarliest of all bladder infections yesterday. Right before attending a funeral for one of my husband’s relatives. So I went and suffered through the funeral only to rush home and sit on the toilet guzzling water for about 25 mins. Finally I got up and was able to go 10 mins without feeling the need to pee. I drank more water and was driving to my doctor appointment when I realized that I had gone 20 mins without any urgency to pee and canceled my appointment. I had time to buy cranberry juice and pills before racing to the restaurant for the memorial luncheon. I ate for a few minutes before I lost my appetite. That was my first clue something was off. But two hours later I only made two trips to the bathroom and we headed home.

Omg. As soon as we got home things went horribly downhill. I was freezing but my temperature was higher than normal and was totally lethargic. I got into bed and Hubster went off to the pharmacy to pick up antibiotics my doctor sent. When I woke up I had a low-grade fever and blood in my urine. I took my antibiotic and settled myself on the couch to drink more water, cranberry juice and snack. Then I started getting a stabbing pain near my right ovary and remembered waking up with that pain. So not only do we not get to have sexytime right before I’m scheduled to ovulate, but now I’m worried about a cyst or endo on my ovary.

Luckily when I woke up today I felt better. Still have some pain around peeing, but better physically and emotionally. I have my appointment for an ultrasound on Tuesday to check things out (I have a new wonderful gyno and am still not going to an RE yet) and even though we didn’t get sexytime in yesterday, we did twice this week. I know my white blood cells are probably going crazy so we won’t get pregnant, but just the fact that we’re back on the TTC Bullet Train makes me feel better about everything. I’m thinking positively and believing again.

The peace is still there, but I’m still feeling very bittersweet about my nephew’s stay. Which I’m a little resentful about.

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5 thoughts on “How Infertility Kills Even the Sweetest Joys

  1. It’s hard to understand so much about this journey, and about God’s reasons, but maybe we’re not meant to? Isn’t that where faith comes in? I’m glad you were able to find some peace through prayer and so sorry that there’s an ache that won’t go away since your nephew left. I DO believe you and your hubby will get to be parents. Truly. I just can’t say when or how, but I know it’s coming. Hang in there, sweet friend.

  2. I’m so so sorry, friend. This messed up journey sucks. I believe with all my heart that you will be a mommy someday and your sweet hubby will be a daddy. I’m thinking of you today and always, sweetie.

  3. I’m sorry about the experience with your nephew. I’ve had those moments as well. I just try to take it day by day and tell myself that one day I will have my own. Speaking of bladder infections, I just had the worst I have ever had, symptoms similar to yours. Low-grade fever, lethargy, and my urine sample was more of a blood sample. The antibiotics did the trick though! Take care.

  4. Doesn’t it just. Hugs sweetie, I am so sorry that you have to go through this and watch hubs not being a dad, that’s as hard, if not harder, than the whole not being a mum thing isnt it!. 😦

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