The thing about death…

… is it really makes you appreciate life.

3 funerals in 3 weeks makes visiting 2 newborns in 2 weeks a true blessing.

While I think I’ll always feel a stab of longing when I visit a new little family, there is no more pain, bitterness or jealousy. At least not right now. There’s been too much death in our lives not to be able to simply embrace and enjoy the blessing that is new life. Especially now that Hubster’s aunt is really sick. I see what precious miracles they are and am so in love with these newborns that I just really can’t get enough. We spent 2 1/2 hours visiting with each of them and time FLEW by! Their parents are wonderful people that have been good friends to us so that also makes it easier to accept.

Oh and I’ve learned that I’m no longer a pee machine. No more mass peeing on all the things for me. Not only do I start to get anxiety when I think about peeing on a stick, but no matter how ridiculously early I’ve tested, the second I get that stark white window a slow but powerful depression starts creeping in. Yes I peed on one thing yesterday, CD10, and as you might have guessed it was negative. Somehow I counted wrong and thought it was CD11 (Yeah, I know. Huge difference.) but when I realized it was a day earlier I still had to do it because I had already talked myself into it and hyped myself up (because of aforementioned anxiety). So I did. And now I slightly depressed. There’s still a very small sliver of hope left, but I waiting until 17dpo to test again since 16dpo is the longest I usually go until my period shows up.

Oh and I’ve had pretty painful 2ww’s and periods again so I was afraid of endo regrowing, but it looks like I’m just getting cysts. This month I think I had 2 rupture?!? I had an ultrasound last week that showed free fluid around my right ovary from a possible ruptured cyst, which made sense because the night before I had intense pain in that area that took my breath away. And then Monday night almost the same thing happened on my left side (which is where I ovulated from). Does this mean anything? Like does this mean I’m not pregnant this cycle? It just seems weird that I could have a cyst develop and then rupture so quickly.

Oh and I had really bad knee pain last week so after my AMAZING Monday training run I was sidelined again. And the second my knee started feeling better, I started getting this ovary pain. Losing my ovary is not something I’m willing to risk so I haven’t run this week either. Tonight I’ll start cross-training on the elliptical. Here’s some motivation I needed to see

I’m still waiting for the good thing that has to come my way. It is coming, isn’t it?

8 thoughts on “The thing about death…

  1. What a horrible month! I’m so sorry it’s been total suckage. But, like Arwen said, I think your good thing is coming. Keep believing, friend!

  2. Ugh. I’m so sorry for all that you’re going through right now. That’s a lot to handle. But you’ve proven how strong you are and I know you will get through it with grace. And yes…that good thing is coming. I know it. I hope it’s just around the corner for you!

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