Helloooo my dears!
I’m sorry I’ve been away from here so often and for so long. I’m just drowning in life and lost in a sea of ambivalence with occasional waves of anxiety and depression crashing down on me. Nothing seems to be going right but yet there’s still sunny skies.
Ever since i got my wrist tattoo, I have been good about the “not giving up” goal of mine. Like, no joke, this tat is the perfect reminder to keep working on achieving my dreams. When I’m able to run, it helps me to keep going until my next break, or the finish (for my long runs I stop every 4 miles to stretch out, hydrate and eat) if I’m physically able to. And it keeps me going with my dreams of having a baby. When I get overwhelmed and am convinced this is never.ever.going.to.happen, I remind myself that we will somehow one day have a family and readjust my attitude.
And maintaining a positive attitude is something I’ve completely committed to. Again. Many months ago I decided to think positively, remember? I just knew I was going to get pregnant “any day now.” And it didn’t happen that month or the next month. Even with my “if you build it, they will come” attitude, came only bad news. But I’ve decided that I wasn’t committed enough and since I refuse to give up, I can’t take despair and ambivalence anymore. I have been at the Acceptance Stage in the infertility grief cycle long enough to know how this works. Basically, a positive attitude and patience.
And let me tell you, I am reeeeally getting good at this patience thing! So now I’ll give you the latest and (not so) greatest Ute Update. Here goes: I have nothing. After waiting almost 2 weeks to receive a reply from my email, Dr. C relieved me of my fears and assured me I am probably not going to die of cervical or endometrial cancer (thanks to those totally ironic birth control pills I swallowed for so many years and that my family’s history of early menopause onset is only a little early – not worry-worthy early. PHEW. I knew that patience would pay off. He’s the perfect mix of comfort, intelligence and calm for me. Even though he took a vacation right when I needed him, I knew that patiently waiting for his reply would be beneficial. And that I shouldn’t look for a new doctor that would be more accessible to me. Because I know patience is definitely a virtue I need help with and s far this doctor is worth learning patience for. And at the end of his reply he left the next step up to me. I think I’m going with a follow up ultrasound to see if it’s thinning at all, but I’m undecided about the lap. I can’t decide if the abdominal pain I’m having warrants another laparoscopy. I did one about a year after I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and they found nothing. So I dunno…
Being sidelined for ITBS is absolutely killing me! But I have gotten some good cross-training in and can run anywhere from 0.5 – 2.0 miles before I have to get back on the foam roller. And then I am able to run some more. But the only place I’ve been logging any significant mileage is on the elliptical. For my “long run” last weekend, I was able to do over 14 mi in 3 hours on the elliptical. I kept my heart rate at about 140 bps, averaged a level 6 (out of 20) and kept my speed between 145-165 strides/min. I know my endurance is pretty good because the first 2 hours was cake. Totally easy. The next half hour was a little tough, but ok. And then I decided I was going to cut my session short. All of a sudden I was just done. But as quickly as that thought entered my mind, it just vanished. And I finished my 3 hour goal.
But I’m so worried you guys! I’m 5 weeks out. In 2 weeks I am supposed to be running 20 miles along the marathon route in San Francisco. And the furthest I’ve gone on foot is 10 miles. Crap. But I’m maintaining a positive attitude and my newfound virtue of patience. The Nike Women’s Marathon is a dream for me and I think it’s still within grasp (unlike Boston, unfortunately) so I’m going to be patient with my body and work hard, while maintaining a positive attitude.
Along with my positive attitude, I decided to try Psychic Cheri’s affirmations. which you can find here http://www.cheri22.com/positive-thinking-for-trying-to-concieve/positive-affirmations, reeeeally helped me this month. I chanted “this is my month to conceive. I feel relaxed and at peace. I am ready for this baby. I will get pregnant and one of the little swimmers in body will do it” while holding Hubster’s hand. Yes, he rolled his eyes when I asked for his hand and I reminded him that his positive vibes will help. I plan on doing this after every babymaking sesh and emailing myself these positive affirmations every couple of days.
If you build it, they will come. They will and I will continue to believe it even if “they come” a little later than I hoped.
Now where do I go from here with all this positivity and patience? I don’t know y’all. I absolutely adore the friendships I’ve made here and love reading your posts. But I feel SO left out. I am TTC, but I’m not doing any treatments. I’ve never done IVF or even IUI. And we don’t plan on it, due to finances. I’m not pregnant and I haven’t yet held a miracle baby in my arms. I am training to run a marathon, but I can’t really run. I am in such a weird place and I don’t know where to go. I have absolutely nothing exciting to talk about, except the fun things I’ve done recently with my husband (another post on that shortly). I feel so boring right now. But I’m sure I’ll snap out of it…thanks for reading and being there for me and all my sporadic ramblings lately. I think I just need to figure out what I’m doing with my life and then I should be back here more regularly, with some direction!