Apparently I’ve been doing a TERIBBLE job of it recently so I’m working on a plan of action. I now know that my martial roller coaster recently is mostly due to my anxiety about TTC and marathon training and I really need to fix it. Not ignore my anxiety or simply distract myself (though some distractions are necessary so I don’t obsess), but actually confront it and work on lessening it.
I’m going to finally go back to doing yoga at least once a week and practice daily meditation. I’m also going to allow myself to talk about it again. After 2 years and 6 months of hoping for a miracle, I feel like such a broken record. With Hubster, you all and my IRL loved ones. It just feels like SUCH “old news” you know? And, finally, I’m going to find affirmations to repeat when I start noticing my anxiety levels creeping up. Oh and I forewarned Hubster about the impending spike in my anxiety levels for the next several days since I am now 13dpo.
I am lucky in that my anxiety is pretty mild compared to a lot of people facing infertility. I do not need meds and have learned how to use self-talk to calm myself down. However, I think since it’s not a huge problem, I tend to minimize it. That’s where my problem lies.
As far as marathon training goes, recurring ITB and shin splints issues have kind of brought up the same anxiety issues. Since my upcoming marathon takes place exactly 6 months after my first one, I feel like talking and complaining about injuries seems so repetitive and annoying. And I feel insecure and worry people will think that I’m not meant to run marathons and I should just quit it. I also feel silly telling people how depressing it is not to be able to run and to explain the anxiety I feel about whether I’ll be able to run the marathon next month.
I want to run and complete it so bad! Yes I want that beautiful Tiffany’s necklace but I also want that feeling again. I want to feel proud of my body and my mind’s determination. After 10 years of knowing my reproductive system is fucked up, I’d really like to have a reason for my body to say “boo-yah! I really do rock!” to me lol. And I will believe it.
So, yes, I am totes anxious about some really big things right now. And yes, it has affected my marriage greatly. But I am determined to do something about it by first acknowledging and then talking about it.