Not trying, but not preventing

I need another break from TTC. The hoping, stressing, trying not to stress, positive visualizations and scheduled intercourse has taken a terrible toll on my mind and body again.

I have been doing a great job of working through my anxiety and stress, I think. But it’s always there. Even the positive visualizing brings conflict because the second I start thinking I might be jinkxing it, then I go back and forth with the positive belief and the trying not to jinx it. Then I realize what I’m doing and try some mindfulness exercises or go for a run. Unless I’m in my 2ww, which in that case there is no running, strength training or sex for fear that I’ll mess up implantation.

That last one is a combination of my mind & body getting thoroughly effed over. Since the last failed BFP I have gained and kept 2-4 pounds on. Talk about getting kicked when you’re down! This year I have successfully kept off 10-14 pounds, depending on my cycle of course. But now I’ve been hovering around the 11 pounds-down mark. Yes, I am totally proud of that and celebrate that achievement, but I still have 20 more to go and thought I was going to end the year with 15 more.

So to ease my anxious mind and follow through with my weight loss, we are taking another 3-month break from ATTC! We had sex twice in one day during my fertile phase and right after I ovulated (it’s still painful like I’m on Clomid). No worrying that we’re overdoing it or that a swimmer is going to catch an aging (bad) egg! I’m also sticking with my running and strength training schedules this week and will be cleaning out our garage while my husband is off playing in Vegas. And I’m doing the positive visualizations without fear of jinxing anything because we’re not really trying.

And, honestly, I’m so at peace right now. We’ll be coming up to 3 years of taking my last birth control pill in March and I’m kind of getting to the point of being over it. Well, that and faith that it just hasn’t been meant to be yet. So if I get my body, house and life in the shape I really want them to be when we do start trying again and it just doesn’t happen, then maybe we’re just not meant to have kids.

I have resisted the idea of IVF because of the havoc Clomid wreaked on my body and emotions, but that honestly seems like a cakewalk compared to adoption. So I don’t know that we’ll ever go any further with treatments than we already have. But then again, sometimes actually thinking about IVF or adoption makes my heart happy so who knows? Maybe I just need some more time to rest my mind and heal before making any big decisions. Because those are HUGE decisions. Big.

What I do know right now is I’m going to enjoy this break. I’m going to focus on my goals and not worry about if or how we have children. And I’m going to run. I’m going to run into my first PR’s and be proud of my body and all that it can do.

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10 thoughts on “Not trying, but not preventing

  1. I just have to say (and I know you talked about a lot in this post) I went through fetility treatments with clomid for natural cycles, several, probably close to 8 cycles. Then I went through a few cycles with injectable bravelle & IUI. Then I went through one IVF cycle with follistem & menopur. What I have to tell you is, much to my surprise, clomid was the hardest on me. Side effects, hot flashes, mood swings, you name it. Bravelle was not a cakewalk, but I think that it because for an IUI you need a longer period on meds. With IVF. Even though the drugs may seem like they should be stronger & more intimidating, the effects are much more mild. At least they were for me. I am not sure if this helps you, but I just wanted to put it out there. I wouldn’t take clomid again. Those were some of the most miserable times of my life. It did however prepare me for the stronger drugs. And none were as bad. Not even close. In my experience. Good luck. And congrats on your 11 lbs! That’s a big deal!

    • Oh wow! Thanks for letting me know that. I keep thinking I’m such a baby for having such a rough time with Clomid when most of my fellow IFers deal with injectables! Thank you thank you thank you!

      • You should hear my husband describe the difference in me on clomid vs the needles. Hahahaha! Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself! I should have been blogging back then. Then again, maybe it’s best that I didn’t…. I guess we all think clomid should be mild since its a pill, and it’s cheap and its the 1st thing they give you. Not the case.

  2. Have you tried Femara yet? Clomid was a killer but Femara was actually okay. Maybe look into that when you start TTC again? I’m hoping this break will be what you need, friend!

  3. You my dear friend are so strong and you are doing so well. It is truly hard to have to live through IF in whatever form and I admire your strength and resilience so much.
    Although obviously I have never done clomid everything I have read about it sounds horrific and in my own experience, OHSS aside, the IVF really wasn’t so bad. I was expecting the stims to be a lot worse but it was the suppression (for me post retrieval) drugs that were the bitch and even they wore off fairly quickly once I finished.
    Just keep talking about your options and try not to rule anything out yet. Sending you hugs from good old Britain 😉

  4. I didn’t have too much of an issue with Clomid, but I only took the lowest dosage for my IUIs. Pictures was anticipating having a hard time with the IVF drugs, but they weren’t too bad. The worst drug of them all was Lupron, especially the 3-month dose. Ugh.

    I hope that your break helps you relax and also gives you so time to think about your next steps.

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