The Rope is Tightening

You know that rope we all have? That one tied around your heart that shortens inch by inch in that first year of TTC, but then rapidly starts shortening by yards and constricting so tight you have to struggle to catch your breath every month Aunt Flo comes calling? Well mine is about as tight as you can get.

In less than 1 week, it will be 36 months since I took my last birth control pill. It has been 27 months since I dropped my first Clomid pill in my mouth. We have endured 3 months of exciting BFPs, only to find out we wouldn’t be having a baby after all. And I have had 2 months of no HPTs but 5-day-late and exceptionally heavy periods. And like one sweet and very knowledgeable OB/Gyn doctor (who I wanted to choke out at the time) told me, it really is better waiting to test and not knowing then dealing with another failed pregnancy. And this is coming from a woman who must know everything. I mean even knowing about a good surprise, but not knowing what it is, is horrific torture for me! But after I had another really late and really heavy period this last cycle, I’m glad I don’t know. Because I’m done.

I’m done pinning all of our baby hopes on my body and Hubster’s performance. I’m done with the pills, the timing of sex, the fears, the frustrations, the anger, the bitterness and the stress. Since we have zero IVF coverage and I already seriously doubt my egg quality and womb’s ability to get and keep me pregnant, we would much rather spend that same amount of money on a sure thing. NOT another gamble.

So we decided to meet with an adoption agency in May. Hopefully that will get me through the torture that will be Mother’s Day this year. I have 2 really close friends and a SIL who will be giving birth this Spring by May 11th and I will be left with only 3 (out of about 8) really really good friends who don’t have kids. But because they are in stages of their lives where it would be crazy to have kids, not because they can’t. I will be the only woman-on both sides-who won’t be included in the “mothers photos” during family Mother’s Day gatherings. Again.

So I need something more concrete to pin my hopes on this year. Since my job entails reading crime reports and mental health treatment plans for children in foster care or have been adopted through the child welfare system, I know their struggles well. Too well. I know that type of adoption requires more than my husband and I can give right now. Don’t get me wrong, we would be terrific parents in that situation, but neither of us can be stay-at-home parents or work part time and I feel like most of those children need that. They need extra stability and bonding that we just can’t afford to do.

We looked into international adoptions next. Hubster’s full Chinese and I’m half Caucasian and half Chinese. However, with my dad being completely out of the picture, I grew up solely with my mother’s Chinese family. So all I know is the Chinese way of life. Being mixed and having naturally darker skin (SO weird) I was often seen as Latina. I really did look straight Latina all the way until about 25 when my features started looking more like my mom’s. And that was mostly fine, but sometimes not.

I wasn’t raised mixed. I was raised Chinese, but I didn’t look it at all for most of my life. All of my friends were Chinese because we went to a Chinese Christian church growing up. Most of my family members don’t speak (or speak very little) English. So I definitely had identity issues growing up that affected my self-esteem. So we considered adopting from Taiwan since that is almost like adopting from China, but much cheaper. Until we realized what that process entailed.

Once you’re approved with an agency, you wait until your name reaches the top of the list and then once a baby is born you’re matched with the child. At that point, the real paperwork starts and your first court date is set. But you don’t go to that. Because I reality, it will be at least 7 or 8 months until you can bring your baby home. There’s no way in hell I would be able to survive that long on just photos and the occasional Skype session. I want to bring our baby home as soon as the doctor clears the baby to leave the hospital. So we nixed that idea.

Next we had to decide on open vs. closed domestic adoption. I prefer open because I feel like this could help relieve some of the negative feelings our child might have about being given up for adoption. Also, I don’t want our child to feel guilty about wanting to know where s/he comes from. And the whole convenience of medical history, not having to search for birth parents, etc. My husband is more nervous about this route, but it’s more from the insecurity of there being a birth parent within our future child’s reach. What he doesn’t realize yet is that he will be such an amazing and loving father that he has nothing to worry about.

And I’m excited to formally announce that I found an agency I’m really interested in close to our city that specializes in open adoptions. I’m getting really excited! I don’t know how we’re going to swing the (at least) 20k it’s going to cost us yet, but I know we’ll work it out. And the best part? There’s an informational seminar the day before Mother’s Day. Yay!

We’re still going to try this month and next, but it feels damn good to have this plan in place just in case they don’t work out. Wish us luck and please let me know about any current adoption info or great blogs that might be helpful. Thanks Loves!

10 thoughts on “The Rope is Tightening

  1. I have a few friends who have gone down that road to start or complete their family. If you’re ever looking for someone who has been there I’d be happy to “introduce” you (as much as one can via internet). Can’t wait to read all about it. ((Hugs))

  2. This is exciting news! It sounds like you guys have done your homework so I hope that your adoption process is as smooth and quick as possible!

  3. Wow sweetie how exciting!!! I am so glad you have made this decision to look at adoption. Sometimes the worst times of IF are when you feel like you are just stuck in the mud whilst everyone else moves on around you. You guys are gonna rock this shit! With your knowledge and experience of working with these kids alongside the loss and compassion that unfortunately comes with IF and miscarriage you are going to be such a beautiful and wonderful Mama! I can’t wait for us both to finally get somewhere this year!

  4. Oh my gosh, I’m so excited for you! I’m still hopeful that you may be able to conceive and birth your own baby, but I think adoption is such a beautiful, amazing gift you can give to a child and yourself. I know there will probably still be some processing and grieving required as you go along, but I am so happy that you have this to look forward to and focus on. Can’t wait to hear about your journey!

    • Thanks friend! Yes, we still hope we will one day have a bio child as well, but we’re happy to start our family anyway we can. I think we both have started our own grieving processes as this becomes a reality, but since we sort of did that last year as well, it hasn’t been as hard yet. I’ll probably be changing my tune in May though lol!

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