Stab to the Heart

Hubster and I attended the Jason Mraz show on Monday and it was a completely amazing time. We were still a little buzzed from our St. Patty’s Day happy hour, but Mr. A-Z puts on a killer show even when you’re sober so that’s totally not relevant.

But since I do love to have my drinky time- and rarely succumb to my desires- I do have to digress for a moment and share about our Monday Nite shenanigans! Hubster and I bar-hopped and drunkenly happily made out a few times while skipping strolling hand-in-hand down the sidewalks of Midtown. It reminded of us of our early dating days and that made us feel so blissful. We got to forget for awhile that we’re an old(ish), childless, married couple who’s convos revolve around my desire for a new job and babymaking. We felt young and carefree again. How amazing is that?!?

Well that bliss was interrupted during the show. While Jason Mraz totally rocked my socks off,  poor Hubster ping ponged back and forth between deep sadness and mild enjoyment. See, in front of us sat a family of 6 (kids looked to be teenagers?) who were having the time of their lives. The father and 2 daughters were laughing and singing and being affectionate the whole time. And all of the kids got so excited when the dad brought out snacks and candy and were thoroughly appreciative. I enjoyed watching what seemed to be the perfect family night while listening to one of my favorite singers. And then occasionally an adorable toddler voice behind us could be heard. Seriously I was in heaven.

Unfortunately Hubster didn’t really feel the same way. It was heart breaking for him to be surrounded by adorable families doing the type of activities we want to do with our nonexistent family. So while he enjoyed the evening, he was pretty damn sad. And I’m sure you know what that did to me.

It killed me. His sadness was the sharpest stab that my scarred heart has ever felt. He’s feeling sort of better now, but he’s still hurting. I wish the prospect of adopting could be more of a relief to him than a last resort, like it is for me. I just think FINALLY we will have our family. If the coming rounds of Clomid don’t work, then we know adopting will bring those 2am cries that we long for. And I can feel joy when I normally would feel sorrow.

Sigh. This is never an easy process…even when it feels like things are falling into place…

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3 thoughts on “Stab to the Heart

  1. I love Jason Mraz! I met him once before a show in Hollywood. It was before he got super famous.
    I’m sorry it was so sad for you guys though 😦 I feel like I want DH to feel as sad as me about IF, but then when he does, I wish I was the only one who felt it. Everything about IF is shit.

  2. Man, it is ridiculous how much IF invades and changes every part of our lives. Even just the simple enjoyment of a movie or watching a ball game. Because we are part of the select crowd that do not have the choice of babies or not. And to be constantly in the waiting game. I am sorry, lady. Our time will come.

  3. I felt like your husband while DH felt more like you do. It was miserable for both of us, as you well know. I’m glad that thoughts of adoption bring you such joy. DH’s cousins are in the process of adopting and it is turning out so beautiful for them. And going much quicker than most!

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