How I have begun to grieve the loss of bio kids

This is an adoption post. We’re getting close to our first informational seminar so it’s on my mind a lot.

I am really looking forward to adopting. It satisfies my desire to help people, especially vulnerable women and children, and my deep desire to be a mother. I am a very naturally loving person and when I come in contact with children, I usually love them instantly. Especially the ones I have cared for through babysitting, day care or while working in the social work field. And more importantly, the ones born to family members and dear friends. So I have no doubt in my ability to love any newborn I’m blessed to adopt. Same goes with my husband. He’s not quite as eager as I, but would without a doubt completely love and adore any baby given to us to raise.

We’re just SO ready to be parents, everyone. It’s been 3 years since we decided to throw out the birth control pills and almost 3 years since we actively started trying to make a baby. We’ve watched every one of our married friends try, conceive and birth their first babies and now many are trying, conceiving and having their second children. Even the ones who struggled to have their first have already had them. We are literally the last ones.

So it’s time to start the adoption process. Exciting but sad. So we’re still trying in the meantime because we would still really like to have bio kids. And part of that is just to go through the whole pregnancy and childbirth experience, but we both really want mini-me’s, or combo mini-me’s.

Being bi-racial gives me really unique physical features that both Hubster and I looked forward to possibly seeing in our children. And my husband’s really small eyes were something I have always wanted to see in my children. We also have some very opposite features that would be ideal if they were combined. We’ve talked endlessly about what we thought our kids might look like and if we adopt, we’ll never know.

And those are just physical attributes. That’s not what makes Hubster and I who we fundamentally are. And those are also special attributes we always wanted to pass on. Hubster is hilariously clever, artistically creative, highly intelligent and inquisitive, and broadly empathetic. Like in all ways he can naturally empathize with people. Basically, Hubster is nothing short of amazing and I have really looked forward to passing at least some of those traits on.

However, in talking a with a very close (fertile) friend about nature vs nurture and what we’ve seen in life experiences, I realized that even though passing on your genetic code is usually a very important experience for most people, including me, that’s not what parenting really is. Honestly, passing down attributes to your bio child is a crap shoot. So many people don’t look like either of their parents and/or have very different personalities from their parents. And a lot of what we hope to instill in our children can come from the way we nurture them.

Like teaching children to work hard for what they want, to take responsibility for themselves and others in this world, to care for people, other living organisms and the environment and to believe in themselves are things that can be taught. Right? Or am I being too optimistic?

And if that’s the case then with adopting, we’re not really missing out. In the end we will raise up an infant like we so very much want to. We will bring an infant home from the hospital, introduce him/her to our dogs and families, spend many sleepless days and nights bonding with and caring for this child and begin building family traditions with. That is so exciting to me! So I think I’m working out the sadness with giving up the idea of bio kids. When I think of what is most important to me, it’s not the possible passing down of traits. It’s the loving, guiding, bonding and building of family traditions with a new tiny addition to our family.

For those of you who have adopted, are in the process or have known people to adopt, any thoughts? Any other things to think about?

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8 thoughts on “How I have begun to grieve the loss of bio kids

  1. You’ve hit the nail on the head. Everything you are feeling is completely normal for one starting the process of adopting. I too had to grieve the loss of the children with my husbands curly hair and my dark eyes. I grieved that I would never know if my children would inherit his artistic skills and my sarcasm. And that is just what it is, a grieving process.

    Other things I think it is important to think about is how you will handle other peoples reactions to you adoption. Now part of me wants to say screw everyone else, but it is a fact that you will encounter people who will say stupid stuff or have no idea on how adoption really works. So by preparing yourself I feel it lessens the sting if someone says something ignorant or offensive to you.

    Adoption is a huge blessing. Although I do not have bio kids, I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that I could never love a biological child more than I love my daughter. It makes no difference where she came from, she is mine and I am hers.

    If you’d ever like to talk please let me know, always happy to help someone who is starting the process as I know how overwhelming it can be. I’m so excited for you to be starting this process it is an amazing thing.

    • Thanks Trisha! That is SOOO helpful. And thanks for offering support and advice-I’ll definitely be taking you up on it!!! By the way, I can’t believe Muppet is almost a year now!!!!!! She’s so cute!

  2. I found your blog through a comment you left on Adopting Charlie – and I just wanted to reach out and say that I really resonate with your infertility journey, and we are also in the process of pursuing an adoption! After having our daughter in 2008 (after a year and a half of struggling with infertility) we spent almost five years TTC for Baby #2…. We finally decided to get off the Crazy Train and add a second child to our family through a domestic infant adoption. That started the next roller coaster of research, paper work, and home study hoops–not to mention the daunting task of picking an agency. But our profile has been complete with our adoption agency since the end of October – and now we wait:) I think it’s so nice to “know” other people in the same boat – and since we are a little bit ahead of you in the adoption process I would be happy to share any part of our journey or answer any questions you might have!
    I look forward to following your journey here:)

    • Yaaaay!!!!! Thank you so much for replying. I found that blog recently on my quest to find active adoption blogs. I will definitely be following your journey and bug you with questions! 😉

      • Oh my gosh, so sorry! Totally didn’t clarify that properly! Adopting Charlie isn’t my blog (Allie is the name of Adopting Charlie’s author) – I just follow her blog and noticed your comment:) I’m actually not blogging about our adoption journey. We are keeping it pretty private right now (our immediate family knows and 2 of my really close friends but that’s it) just because we don’t know how “long” it will take and I don’t know if I can handle a ton of people constantly asking “soooooo what’s the latest news?!?!?” when I know there will be long stretches where we probably won’t have ANY news. Since I don’t have any friends or family who’ve been through the infertility journey or adoption process – and as you know, unless you’ve been “here” you really don’t get it – I’ve been searching out resources online, blogs to follow, etc. Thus me leaving a comment here for you:) I will email you right now though so we can connect properly and you can know that I’m not some random crazy person, haha!:)

  3. 1. You I love.

    2. I don’t share a drop of genetic material with my parents – and I got SOOOO many characteristics from them – just not physical.

    3. You I love.

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