Breakdown

Uuuugh it happened again. The first time I’ve had a massive breakdown in several months. Um maybe in over a year? But I’m ok with it. I needed it. And it probably won’t happen again for quite awhile.

In the last month my friend has given birth to her first child and my SIL has given birth to her 2nd. I started back on Clomid and it was a failed cycle. Oh and I spent the weekend with my family while Hubster stayed home – which meant lots of questions about our family-building journey (on CD2) that I just wasn’t in a good place to answer. Plus arriving home yesterday afternoon after a 7-hr drive not to the welcoming arms and hot shower I desperately needed, but to a frantic husband trying to finish tidying the house and wet dog hair all over my bathroom (including my shower).

So I completely lost it.

I am talking lost.my.shit. completely. yesterday evening.

But Hubster and I got through it and I pulled myself together enough to go to the hospital and snuggle my not-yet-24hours-old nephew. It was heaven until I got that question:

It hurt so bad, are you sure you want to go through that?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG A MILLION TRILLION TIMES YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!

I know childbirth can be traumatic, but why do people insist on asking that question?!? If I didn’t love this woman so much, I probably would have used a snippy tone while replying, “like you would give back your amazing children to never have gone through that?!?”

Instead, I simply stated that yes, I really do.

So we went home earlier than planned, I introduced my husband to Footloose and we went to sleep.

I got the tears out that have been building for months so while I’m not good, I’m better. Today I’m not going to ask “why?!?” Instead, I’m going to feel my sadness, while giving thanks for all of the blessings I do have and for God’s perfect timing, do what I need to do to feel better and then snuggle both of their boys.

Tomorrow is my yoga class. I just have to make it to tomorrow evening…

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15 thoughts on “Breakdown

  1. You know what hurts? Not having a baby. I’d love to ask a new mom that asks that kind of a question if she would be OK with the pain we go through. But the difference is that it is every single day. 20 hours of labor. Please. It does not even compare. :big hug: for getting through that!

  2. Oh sweetie. I have been a horrid commenter but I still read and this just tears at my heart. I had this dialogue with so many people in the past and it hurts. Badly. You are a kind person for biting your tongue. I am sending all the love and light your way that I can muster. xoxo

  3. I hear you…I teach a preschool art class and every now and then, the kids get a little unruly…because they are 3, 4, and 5-year olds. That’s what they do at that age. But pretty frequently I hear “Be glad you don’t have kids!” with an exasperated sigh. Yeah, sure…two years of infertility crap and a year into waiting to adopt…let me change my mind about wanting to be a parent because a 5 year old is being a 5 year old.
    I hope things get better for you. Sometimes, if it’s possible, it’s better to just keep away from the baby showers and all that. We’ve had to do it in the past few years, with a note of explanation. Self-care, you know?

    • Yeah I was just talking to a friend about that. After 3 years you would think I would have learned my lesson, but I’m just starting to accept that I need to keep away a little more often. Thanks!

  4. Oh wow. I toooootally feel you. My sister (who’s my very best friend in the whole world) just had her first baby last month. It took them ONE month to get pregnant. While every fiber of my being is so incredibly glad & thankful that she’ll [hopefully!] never know the pain of infertility, the weekend her baby arrived was pretty rough for me emotionally. And I have several friends who are pregnant with their 3rd & 4th kiddos right now (I have a VERY fertile group of friends), so I’m pretty surrounded with baby stuff! I got home from keeping it together for my sister’s newborn pictures – and then, just like you, I had a complete and utter breakdown…. The good news is it does seem to clear all of the icky stuff out of there for a while:) But yes, I think it’s totally fine to bow out of baby-related stuff when you’re in this position (and to mentally smack someone a bit when they say stupid, hurtful things;).

  5. I can relate to this on so many levels!!!! It feels like babies are every where except for my womb! No one understands or thinks about how you feel so you have to put on a brave face. I’m just thankful my golden retriever is such a cuddle bug.

    • Exactly! Even some of my (amazing!) fertile friends comment that they don’t know how I handle all of the bumps and babies so well. I guess I can only “handle” it for so long lol.

      • lol I know right! My youngest sister is sue in November with her second baby so I’m hoping that I’m just as gracious with her second as I was with her first lol

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