Ignoring your infertility doesn’t really help

Now I’m just depressed.

But that’s really deep-down. I feel completely blessed to have such an amazing life that I honestly love. And fully enjoy. Like the weekend of the 4th. We spent Friday day and night with family eating and setting off fireworks. The next day we went boating on the river with my in-laws. Then running along the lake while Hubster went for an open-water swim.

Bliss.

Until it hits me.

I’m so sad that we don’t have kids yet and I’m terrified we won’t. All of a sudden the faith I clung so tightly to seems to have vanished.

Hubster and I agreed to do a home insemination this month because I guess my faith started dwindling. He’s been having issues with finishing since I started Clomid again and I just can’t go through the pain and discomfort only to not have any swimmers actually shoot into me. Plus we needed a way to get back to simply enjoying sex.

But then we hit a couple of bumps.

This month I didn’t take Clomid. I had a bad month on it last month so it was kind of a relief not to take it. And then I ordered our supplies (speculum, syringes & sterile cups) late so their arrival date was scheduled for CD12. And I usually ovulate before then.

So on CD10, when I saw this on my opk,

image

I decided we were going to try after all.

Luckily we had sex (to completion) the night before so I told Hubster it was negative to try again. But then I foolishly told him the truth so it didn’t work, of course. Ugh. The next day I got another smiley and this time I did a good job of keeping it to myself and was rewarded with swimmers.

The next day we tried our experiment.

Hubster did his thing into a cup and we made our Cock Cocktail! Hahaha we were really amusing ourselves throughout this process. Anyway, I pulled up some preseed into the syringe, Hubster pulled up the swimmers and then we put more preseed in it. Once the syringe was ready, I lubed up the speculum, shoved a small sex ramp under my hips and instructed Hubster in how to insert it.

Poor guy was stressed.

That’s when I remembered just how crazy a speculum looks!

But it was fine. Once he opened me up I had him take a picture because I wanted to see my cervix and when would I ever have that chance again? And he was getting weirded out by it so I had to see it.

And it was weird.

So he shot the Cock Cocktail into me and then he snapped a picture. That one was even crazier!

And then I laid like that for 30 minutes while we chatted and laughed. It ended up being a pretty fun experience. One that I prefer over finding a new RE to do IUI’s in their office. No it’s not as effective, but this gave us some quality time and allowed Hubster to take an active role in the process.

But the excitement has worn off.

I started obsessing about whether we even really had a shot this month. Then I just gave up. I’m over the hoping and thinking positively now. I’m grouchy and stressed. And simply depressed.

I know I’ll be fine soon. For now I’m just going to wallow.

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13 thoughts on “Ignoring your infertility doesn’t really help

  1. I’m going to keep hoping and sending you good happy tww thoughts for a positive outcome! I’m glad that you guys were open to trying different methods ad that it was a fun experience for the most part. ๐Ÿ™‚
    I had the hardest time with the roller coaster of excitement and hope of the IUI process (and really any of the processes that get us all this far) and then the let down. I think that was the hardest part. Sometimes I would pretend that if I wasn’t so hopeful after my IUI, then it wouldn’t hurt so bad if it didn’t work. Which is all BS anyway… The freaking excitement is part of TTC for anyone. Acknowledging that this was just one more joyful piece of the regular process that us infertiles are robbed of helped for a minute. Then I remembered that I’m good at reframing things and if I was going to retain my sanity during this ordeal I would have to reframe it and not feel robbed. I feel like you do an amazing job at being hopeful and recalling all the ways you ARE blessed. I really admire you for that ability. It reminds me to be grateful for what I have. Hugs my friend. You are in my thoughts. Be gentle with yourself and with hubster.

  2. You are braver than I am! The thought of my husband and a speculum…
    I think it is great that you two were able to enjoy the process and I know how hard the 2ww is, will keep hoping and praying for good things to come in the next couple of weeks!

  3. I never even though to try something like that. I hope it works. That would be really awesome. I know how hard it is to keep positive. More than anything do I wish this is your month. I am sending positive thoughts for you. Good luck.

    • Well I had heard of a lot of people doing it and thought they were crazy. Until I talked to my doctor and he was the one that said, “yeah buy one of those kits and try it!” I didn’t even know there were kits lol. But I just bought everything separately because it was way cheaper lol.

  4. Holy speculum batman! I had no idea this was even possible! My mind is blown right now!!! I hope this is it for you and your TWW flies by!

    • Hahaha yeah I don’t know how wise it is for people who aren’t trained to do this stuff, but Hubster and I are big researchers and DIYers, so we took the plunge! Lol

  5. out of curiosity – where did you get all the supplies to do it yourself? I know hubby and I talked about trying it before but never had the guts to do it!

  6. Youโ€™re right, some days are definitely better than others during this process. And look at all the quality time you had together! But more than that, look what your husband was willing to do for you! Iโ€™m not sure mine would be as game! Iโ€™ll be sending lots of happy thoughts for success this cycle!

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