I feel so lost

I just don’t know what to do. About anything these days. I don’t know what direction I want to take our journey to parenthood. I don’t know how much I should continue to give of myself to my friends. I don’t know where I should focus my work energy. I don’t know if I should continue running.

I’m at a complete and utter loss.

All I know is I’m extremely emotional right now and feel so godamned alone as I come to terms with what is most likely another failed cycle. Period is due Monday so I guess I need to deal with it now, instead of waiting and becoming an uber bitch at work.

Even Hubster let me down. He gave me a 2-second half-hug when I broke down this evening. You know, the kind with one arm and feel more of their side than their chest? Yeah that’s the one I got.

Every single one of my closest friends has kids, is about to start trying or is hoping for an accident with her boyfriend of 4 months. Please can someone just shoot me now? Or kidnap me and drop me at some remote Island? Just saying…

That’s it. My head is throbbing because it won’t let me feel my pain. But there’s nothing I can do. It has shut me down yet again. No music therapy has worked and now there will be no writing therapy. Guess it’s time to pray.

15 thoughts on “I feel so lost

  1. I’ve been there so many times. Negative tests, failed IUI, being told I could never conceive because of endometriosis and my advanced age. My husband and I tried for 3 years and began the process of adopting through the foster care system. During our home study process I suffered two miscarriages. My body knew what to do and it gave me hope. Don’t give up! I sit here now holding my ten week old daughter. She is our miracle! I truly believe those of us who want children will be blessed with them. Even through adoption if that is the path you choose. It’s hard to remember that we are not alone! You are in my prayers!

  2. Oh, sweet friend. I ache for you. I wish I could give you a hug right now (a REAL hug — not a half-hug). I still believe that there will come a day when you somehow find your way to those little beings who will become your children, and they will find their way to you, but I know that is little consolation on dark days like these. I just hope you can be kind to yourself right now, and know that there are still people who pray for you every day and who have been where you are and understand. xo

  3. I’m so sorry you’re feeling despair. I second the earlier comment. We did 2 rounds of IVF one which ended in miscarriage the other diverted to IUI. We’d started on a third when I was told our chances were less than 2% and we’d decided on egg donation. 3 days ago I gave birth to our miracle baby (well they hoiked her out of me via emergency c-section lucky I’m used to things not turning out as expected!) I never thought I would hold my own child but it makes me realise now that no matter how you plan things, things will work out in the end in their own way. My yoga teacher talked a lot about letting go and I can see in the end I had to do that to just allow the stress of trying to conceive leave us at least for a while. Is there any way you could just take a break from it all and just do something that gets you back to you so you can have some peace? Xxx

  4. So often I find that other bloggers can read my mind, and this post of yours is another of those times. Every single friend of mine has children as well. I feel so left out, so lost, so alone. My husband doesn’t understand, as his world revolves around his work, and not having children yet doesn’t seem to bother him in the least. I say yet, because he is still convinced this is all going to work out for us. In the meantime though, it’s hard for me to continue bonding with him when even he doesn’t get it…

    • Yeah my husband still has this insane idea that it’ll work out for us too. Ah to so easily believe lol! It’s hard when everyone’s lives revolve around kids and yours just doesn’t. Glad we have this space!

  5. Lady, I have hit this spot more than I can even count. Just after this last IUI, I was even beyond it. I was sick of my life revolving around crazy pills and invasive ultrasounds. I was sick of how I was so obsessed with having a child that I had forgotten the things I loved about myself and the Hubs. And it didn’t help that just when I was trying to accept a child-free life that every military wife was either crazy knocked up, had adorable infants, or had an entire army of children to mock me. But remember that you are not alone, there are lots of us that understand and are thinking of you. And I second the above statement, hugs and runs go hand-in-hand.

    • Thank you. Yeah we’ve taken mini breaks and an extended one because this can seriously consume you. And yeah I cannot imagine being a military wife while dealing with infertility. It all just sucks sometimes. Thanks dear. I think I might go on a short run.

  6. *big big hugs* Aw, Storkchaser, this feeling so totally sucks. I can remember it well. It took us 4 years before bringing home our boy and there was so much despair and empty emotional times (and some half hugs) during those years. It is even worse when everyone around you (almost litterally) has a kid or more or is pregnant and you aren’t/don’t have a kid. And you want it SO. BADLY. I was so very close to the end of my rope: going to therapy and discussing what happens if I never become a mom, when my last IVF attempt actually worked. There is hope. There is always hope!
    I truly hope you will find your path that makes you the happiest!

  7. I’m so sorry, friend 😦 That’s such a hard place to be, and really nothing anyone can say can fix it. Living in IF/loss means living in a world where you have to hold on to hope that everything will work out somehow when you are given no reassuring proof that it will. I’m am sending you big, big hugs all the way from TN and a reminder that you are not alone–your blog friends love you and we are here whenever you need to vent or need support. I’m not sure what will work in your situation, but I find that being very specific with hubby is helpful (ex. “I need you to…give me really big hug, tell me everything is going to work out, let me cry for while, etc.”).

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