Sometimes it feels like this longing, heartache, hoping and fear will last forever. I know we will be parents eventually, but lately it feels like it.is.never.going.to.happen.
I have a wonderful life so I often feel silly for complaining. I mean, I have a job that I love, the perfect husband, a supportive family and amazing group of girlfriends. I swear they all want us to have kids as much as we want it! And Hubster and I seriously have so.much.fun. Our life is so full that it seems impossible to feel so empty.
But that’s how this feels. It feels like I’ll never have this hole filled up and I’m getting frustrated. Maybe even angry? Why is it taking us so long?!? Not that I want anyone to feel this way for this long, but why US?
And now my life seems so unimportant. We are going for our first of at least 2 consults for IVF in October and will wait to do anything until January. We have some financial help from my parents, but we need to set up our Flexible Spending Accounts to help offset the costs and minimize the amount we finance. My brilliant husband realized that we can have an amount deducted monthly from each of our paychecks before taxes are taken out and be put into a fund that we can access for RE bills. But Open Enrollment starts in September and deductions don’t start until January.
Also, we’re planning to go on an Alaskan cruise next summer with my entire family for my grandmother’s birthday and I don’t want to miss it. Which means I have to be in my first 2 trimesters of pregnancy or have a 6 month old next August. The latter is for sure not going to happen so if IVF does work, I would like it to not interfere with my plans. However, I am well versed in life not going according to plan, so we’ll see what actually happens!
I’m no longer taking Clomid now so I’m officially not ATTC for the next at least 4 months. What am I going to do with myself? That honestly seems like an eternity! So I decided to run another marathon in December, but it still feels so lame in comparison to trying to make a baby.