Wow. What a week. Followed by an even more draining night. I am completely exhausted from crying all evening. Here’s a hint: I’ve reached the tail end of my cycle.
It’s been rough this week. And by some miracle, this is the first time in 3 years that I had no idea what Cycle Day I was on all month. Heck, I didn’t even know I was at the end until my darling husband mentioned it after a particularly explosive morning on Thursday.
I thought I was still 2 weeks out! Nope! Apparently I’m on cd24.
So even though Hubster knows I’m approaching the Danger Zone, he still forgets (as he does most months) that I need lots of cuddles, You’re Beautifuls and hand-holding. What do I get? Sitting on opposite ends of the couch while watching TV, quick pecks before falling asleep and he forgets I needed a ride home from our Friday lunch date so I had 5 minutes to walk 9 blocks back to work. Which meant I was a sweaty mess the whole rest of my day.
And then today I mentioned twice that I need more lovin’ and did I get a hug or pat on the leg? Nope. I got “I’m sorry” and he changed the topic. Then this evening all hell broke loose. It was bad. When we finally got it all sorted out, I asked him what happened? What changed this week for him to be so distant and unloving? He said that nothing happened and he loves me as much and he normally does so he didn’t realize I was feeling this way.
OMG how did I marry someone so completely different than me?!? As much as we love each other, share the same views on major aspects of life and have tons in common, I feel like some days we speak completely different languages! And having to repeat myself over and over and over and over becomes so frustrating.
But we talked some more, we understood each other a little better, I cried for another 20 minutes and then got dinner. That’s when I finally felt normal. I had cried almost all day and felt so sad and weepy after our fight that I was honestly wondering if I would ever be happy again. Luckily, I am. All it took was Taco Bell lol!
He knew I read the Fault in our Stars and surprisingly, I adored it. So he suggested we watch it tonight. And I so totally needed that! I needed to remember the innocence of young love, find the inspiration to envision having awesome kids like them and be grateful that I do have a truly wonderful life with a truly remarkable man.
Infertility creates insecurities in myself as a person, in my body and as a future mom. I mean, why am I not given a child? Because I’m not going to be the awesome mom I imagine, right? Well, tonight I realized that I’m making this all bigger than it needs to be. No, infertility isn’t a punishment dealt to people who will make rotten parents. A lot of amazing parents once struggled to conceive. Deep down I know I will be a great mom and Hubster will be a great dad. We will be wonderful parents one day and for now we are lucky to have more time to work our shit out before having to worry about kids. And while we’re working out the kinks of our relationship, we’re going to start dating each other and making us a priority.
We need to live more in the present because the future isn’t guaranteed. And we do have a pretty damn good life. So tonight we ended up with am impromptu date night at home and now I’m going to bed. Feeling happy and satisfied.
Tomorrow I’m going to run and work more on my home organization project. And hopefully Hubster and I will have a happy day.
Ah the joys of hormones. They definitely protect our marriage from boredom, I have to say. OK now it’s time to sleep. I’m so drained and I’m sure this post is totally incoherent. Sorry bout that.